I'll do what I can

I have been in a slump.  I recall sometime ago mentioning my depression was creeping back.  It's not completely gone, but I'm feeling better. 

I am finding it very difficult to accept my limitations.  I had a lung infection 3 weeks ago, and then a "heart event" and ended up in the emergency room.  Days prior to that I was feeling fine, exercising, dieting and in control of my life.  It is just so hard to be not in control. 

I have to turn everything over to this disease and during times like this realize that I Will Not spring back from an illness.  That "events" are going to happen whether I like it or not. 

I recall an early visit with my Pulmonologist... he explained Severe Emphysema to me and said this... "Normal healthy adults will get a cold or the flu and be down for a week or so... heal and get back to their life.  People with the damage that I see in your lungs will get a cold or the flu and struggle to recover, and with each episode, do more damage to their lungs and never get back to that point prior to the illness.  He likened it to the rings of a tree.  Slice a diseased lung and you can see the "rings of damage".  It made sense to me then... But I had NO idea how real it would become.

I cannot get my stamina back.  I am trying.  Still no exercising.  I really miss it and keep trying little by little to get to 5 minutes or more.  My lungs hurt.  There is a constant achy feeling in them.  Especially in my right one.  At times the pain is dull, but suddenly for no apparent reason it can get sharp and stabbing with each breath I take.

I am embarrassed by my whining when I was first diagnosed.  I thought I knew pain... I thought I knew what depression was, what helplessness and hopelessness felt like... I had no idea.
And, I am sure I still don't.  I am reluctant to complain too much only because I have seen the end of this disease, and I am not close.  That is not a comforting thought.  To have seen the worst, to have heard that unmistakable gurgling sound, the sound of a chest cavity rattling with each exhale. 

That's why I try tirelessly to be optimistic.  To try and find a positive.  To look at what I can still do, instead of what I've lost.  I know what's coming, so pain or not... tired or not... I will push myself as hard as possible.  The time will come that I won't be able to go and do and see and be part of.... So, I have to do it now.

I am continuing to follow a healthy eating program.  I understand that this is not a "fad" diet... it is a life altering change.  It's O.K. to eat red meat occasionally.  However, at the store today I bought Tofu for the first time.  I had to hide it under the produce so Bill couldn't see it.  LoL  I have never tried it... I have heard it assumes the flavor of what it is cooked with.  So, I am going to try.  I thought a year ago I would never drink anything other than Whole Milk... now I drink skim milk and can't tell the difference.  There are some things I hold onto for flavor.. and use sparingly... like real mayonnaise, butter and cheese. 

I am looking forward to a new week with the hope that I may get back into light biking and gentle trampoline-ing.  I miss it.  I was proud of myself and had the feeling of accomplishment that I don't want to lose.