Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy 2012, a year of hope?

This is my New Years Eve blog.  So much promise in the New Year. So many uncertainties.  I am sure there will be struggles, success's and failures.  I hope to remain me.  It seems the more my disease progresses the less of me I recognize.

I have a difficult time sometimes talking when they are in another room.  And, repeating myself over and over again is maddening.... I will eventually run out of air or my voice gets raspy really quick.  I am also finding in groups of people trying to talk over the noise I just can't do anymore.  Yelling is out of the question.

I used to be so quiet and easy going and now I find it hard to hold my tongue.  I figure if I need to stand up for myself now is the time.  Those around me aren't used to that.

I am finding that since I have been diagnosed there is more wrong with me.  I know that is because with the diagnoses came insurance for the first time in a long time.  I have had a laundry list of things found, things removed, things being watched, lung issues, heart issues, thyroid issues, breast issues and uterus issues.  I am not sure what will be next?
I was explaining to someone that I can handle my Copd and Emphysema most of the time without too much surprise.  What I am finding impossible is these surprises that need to be dealt with.  Like I told my Primary Care Doctor when she asked me about this fibroid tumor on my uterus.... she asked if it came down to watching it for it's growth or just removing the uterus?  And, I answered I would prefer to remove my uterus because that would be one less thing to worry about returning or getting worse.
It's the small things that get in the way.
I can usually plan events around my Copd.  Yes, I may be having breathing issues, but usually I can go sit and watch a concert, or if the weather is right... go for walks.  I can almost always go to the store and walk around.  I can go visit.  I just pack my oxygen around with me and be wise enough to check to make sure I won't run out before I can get back home.
It's these small things that bring me to a stop.  Even this small cyst I had removed, had me at home a couple days.  Not because I couldn't take the pain, but because of the location.  For men imagine a hole right in the middle of your chest.  Every time your arms move... so does that area, every time you turn... so does your chest.  It just was in a location that is uncomfortable.

I read a nurses posting today... I happen to know this nurse works on a transplant floor.
He wrote....."Happy New Year to all!  Was hoping for a low census day-but alas it is not to be.  I will be spending my New Year's Eve ministering to the unwell, indisposed, unhealthy, diseased, ailing, afflicted and otherwise infirm patrons of the (   ) Medical Center". 

I answered..... "Happy New Year to you. And bless the unwell, indisposed, unhealthy, diseased, ailing, afflicted and otherwise ill patients. Someday I will be one of those."  
I was pissed because it seemed to me he was "one of those nurses" who bitch and moan about their patients.  If that is the case, then I think it's retirement time.  Especially on the transplant ward where the patients need extra care and the families need extra re-assurance.  I have heard him complain before about the families thinking the nurses are hired for them.  

It infuriated me.  One day I will be there.  Now I am rethinking that transplant center for several reasons.  That just locked in my decision.  

I have hope for this year.  I have plans and I think now that Bill has seen a decline even he is on board with doing a few things.  Getting out and doing a little sight seeing, some short distance traveling, some camping (where they have electricity for my concentrator lol), some fishing.  Just doing.  Maybe visiting some family.  All of my family with the exception of my big brother have never seen me with oxygen.  I want the chance to see them before I get where I can't travel anymore.  I don't want our only visit to be in a hospital room.... which for some reason is the way my family works.  We all love each other, but most of us won't travel to see anyone.  That's another blog all together.

Bill has mentioned that he has noticed my decline.  It is almost comforting to know that someone else notices.  That I am not just trying to bow out of life.  I do what I can, go where I can and live the best life I can.  I sometimes feel like I am not trying hard enough.  That I can do more.  I have realized that I have to be careful, because the last 3 times I have pushed myself the worse my breathing gets, and it doesn't recover to where it was.  
The words of my Pulmonologist to Brittney's question about Copd rings in my head sometimes....... She will go along just fine then get a cold or have an exacerbation and will never quite get back to where she was.  Then she will go along again until another event happens.  This year I had several events.  I am hoping 2012 will be kind to me.


Happy New Year everyone.  May we have a Happy and Healthy 2012.



    Not for weak tummy's

    I decided (I don't know why) that I wanted to keep a picture of the wick and cyst.  I seem to be getting these more and more.  The doctor said some people do, and some don't.  I asked if I wasn't scrubbing hard enough?  He laughed and said no.  For some reason the skin will take a blemish and begin to close over it and then forming a pocket and the blemish becomes like a seed that is encapsuled.  It can stay like that forever and not become a problem, or like me...... everything on my body is turning against me and these become infected and need to be removed.

    The wick is the white-sih part sticking out.  My skin around it is burned from the tape.  Today I just put a large bandage over it.  We'll see how that does.

    I will blog again later tonight, and I promise it won't be gross!  lol

    Friday, December 30, 2011

    New Years Eve, Eve....

    Happy New Years Eve, Eve.  I can remember when I was in my 20's this night would be the beginning of celebrating the New Year.

    These days I am never awake for the ball drop.  I am usually in bed asleep by 11:00 or 11:30.... some nights much sooner.
    We have no plans.  We usually don't.  I kind of miss the days when we would have friends over.  I couldn't do it right now, I don't have the stamina.

    An update on the cyst.  It is healing really well.  Every morning I get up and shower then before I put on a new bandage I cut off 1 1/2 inches of the wick.  Maybe a few more mornings and the wick will be gone.  Really the only painful part is the tape.  I am even using paper tape for sensitive skin and it is blistering me.  The bandage is in a strange location flat on the bottom where the hole is and rising on both sides, therefore trying to find new spots to put the tape is difficult.

    I went today to Ross (a discount clothing and home store) and bought a large canvas painting and 2 smaller framed ones for the living room.  I want to bring more browns and reds into it without being gaudy.  I think I did alright.  On the first I am going back to purchase one more canvas one for a short long wall then I'll be done.
    I also bought 5 small plants.  My goal is to get a better air quality in the house.  Some freshness.  The carpets have been shampooed, the drapes washed and the couch cushions vacuumed and washed.
    I want to pain the living room.....
    I have sworn that someday I am going to paint the walls again.
    Last time I picked out a sample it was called wooden spoon... a tan/beige/brown color.  We bought 4 gallons and started painting. About half way done I told Bill this is not drying darker!  He just kept saying it will when we get finished.  Well, it turned out a pale shade of pink or oyster.  I can barely stand it!!

    In October I bought paint for my room.  Chocolate Brown for the walls and Robins Egg Blue for the ceiling.  I have a deep brown fuzzy comforter and powder blue sheets.  I can't wait to get it finished.  We have lots to do.  Actually, Bill has most of it to do.  I just do what I can (which isn't much).  The summer/fall we finished the kitchen.  We did the dining room last year.  This year I want to concentrate on my room, the living room and in the Spring he is painting the outside.
    This is what happens when you have a house that was built in the 20's and soaks up paint like crazy.  The walls inside are lathe and plaster, and the outside is just wood siding... I am a woman who doesn't know much about siding... I would guess it's 1x12's??? Anyway, it's time again to paint it.

    Tuesday, December 27, 2011

    Injections hurt!

    I followed directions and took all the antibiotics for my cyst and went in today for a follow up appointment.

    Soon the doctor came in, looked at it and instructed the nurse he would need 4x4's, Lidocaine and 18 ( I think) gauge needles.  He had me take off my shirt and bra and placed white paper over most of my breasts and started injecting Lidocaine in a circle around my cleavage.  I lost count after 14 injections, there were more, but by that time I was trying to remember to breath.  He reminded me that he hadn't heard my O2 interrupter go off in quite some time.  It isn't a good idea to hold ones breath when they  have low oxygen levels anyway.  lol

    Finally he began to cut and I felt snipping and pulling and digging.  He said he was leaving a "wick" inside to help it continue to drain.  He then put a pile of 4x4 pads over it and taped it up.  He gave me a paper bag full of pads to bring home in case it kept bleeding.  I thought, how could it bleed through all this?

    Well, tonight it is bleeding through.  Not bad yet.... I think I will wait until I change it.  I go see him again in the morning, and I am hoping he can change the bandage.

    Here it is as of now...
    He tells me that it shouldn't scar badly.  After the Lidocaine wore off this afternoon, my furthest thoughts were scarring!  lol

    Layla spent the night tonight and we played some of her games she got for Christmas.  Her and Priscilla went to bed early tonight.

    I called Gail (my friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer) and she just had the brain scan today.  She promises to let me know when the get the results.  So far they are talking about 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.  I wish I could go down there but I think I am looking at having my uterus removed in January sometime.

    I'll keep you updated on how everything goes.

    Thursday, December 22, 2011

    Not one of my best days


    Layla and I played around this morning.  She read me books and did a pretty good job of sounding out some big words.  Then she started to draw Christmas ornaments and write me cards.  They are learning to write by sounding out words so my cards looked something like this...............
    Der granmaw I hoop you have a speshl crismus.
    P.S you or my life.
    Of course this melted me... but I had to tease her for her spelling and had her get me another piece of paper so I could write it out the right way.  pffft.  Why don't I just leave these moments alone?!  I hurt her feelings and she said... Grandma I think it's time for me to go home now.
    As it worked out I had just enough time to get her home and get to my appointment at the hospital, then some grocery shopping for Christmas Eve. dinner.

    I had my trans vaginal ultra-sound.  She showed me my uterus, then moving the screen 3 times she showed me the enormous tumor growing around it and pushing up on my bladder.  She was showing me the blood supply of it and said because of it's size and because it had so many blood lines, it would most likely mean that my uterus would need to come out.
    Then she said what they usually do... of course a doctor will need to read this and get back in touch with you, most likely after Christmas.

    I have a feeling a surgery is in my New Years future.
    I picked up the antibiotics for the cyst I have in my cleavage and last night and this afternoon I have been keeping a hot pad on it.  All it is doing is making it more sore.

    So.... I hope tomorrow's blog is positive and I can just put this out of my mind until the time comes to deal with it.  It is just a surgery.  This is not life or death.  It just is... one more thing.  I feel like a carnival act that grows all these weird things.  Or those ladies you hear about on the T.V. that had a 100 pound growth they found mysteriously.
    This is not one of my better nights.  I am going to medicate and go to bed.  More tomorrow.

    Tuesday, December 20, 2011

    Just one more thing

    Let me catch you up to date now that I have my computer back.  It's nice to have a laptop... but I get so tired of typing and then suddenly having everything disappear.

    My primary doctor, I mentioned...went on maternity leave.  She had her baby (a boy) on Thanksgiving.  She won't be back to work until the latter part of January.  In the meantime I had one of her referral appointments with the gynecologist.  It was regarding my bladder leakage and basic pain in that area.  After a lengthy discussion and question and answer period and exam, he scheduled a trans vaginal ultrasound.  It will be this Thursday.  Evidently my Uterus is enlarged and there is a mass growing on it.

    He had me bring home what he calls a "hat".  It's use is No Where near the head.  You urinate in it and measure the intake (or is it out-take?).  For 3 days I had to keep track of each time urine leaked, everything I drank, and how much I went to the bathroom.

    I was so happy to throw the "hat" away.  I mailed the results to him and I am sure after this Thursday's ultra sound he will call me after Christmas for a follow up.  He did say that if surgery was required he was sure it wouldn't be until after the first of the year.  Which, is just fine with me.

    Also, I am not sure if you remember but this summer I had a cyst removed on my shoulder.  I went to the walk-in clinic today with anther one that is infected between my cleavage.  I had my doctor in July try to get permission from my insurance company to remove both of them at the same time and they said no because the chest one was not infected.
    It makes no sense to me that they wait until it is inflamed and causing pain before they will remove it.  So, I have antibiotics for a week and then I am supposed to go back if it hasn't drained or went away.  It is hard as a rock and the size of a dime, so I am thinking it's not going anywhere.

    See?????  I have so much wrong.  My body at about age 35 decided to turn against me.
    I told the nurse today as she was trying to look over my records that I am used to the Copd and Emphysema.  I can handle the oxygen and all the meds.... but it's the little things now that drive me crazy.  It's like one more little tiny thing wrong that just is too much.  She said she had cancer and chemo a few years ago and knows exactly how I feel.  It made me feel better to know I wasn't being a cry baby.

    Monday, December 19, 2011

    Thank you for your prayers

    I will be getting my desktop computer back tomorrow so I will be blogging much more.  I have missed a lot of events that I will have to catch up on.

    I spoke to Gail on the phone.  She called me after she went and got eyelash extensions which are supposed to remain dry for so many hours.  I wished her well with those instructions!  lol
    She is handling it just the right way.  Understanding that a lot of things will change and she just has to take one hurdle at a time.

    I wasn't going to mention my Copd because I wants this to be about her and her needs and not me.  Her sister however told her.  So I think a tiny amount I could actually tell her I understood.  I understood about feeling damaged and hearing such news that you automatically go to the worse place and think you are dying.  She is doing good understanding there will be good days and sick days with Chemo.  It is just the not knowing and not being able to plan your life.

    We promised to keep in close touch and I told her I will always be here for her at any hour.

     I promise to blog more soon.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

    Saturday, December 10, 2011

    A call you don't want to get

    First I'll catch you up.  (I hate this laptop, I keep deleting every line I write... grrrr)

    Since my last blog and my doctors appointment I have been house bound.  Well, mostly.  I did make a quick trip to the pharmacy and to my daughters house.  Our air quality has been in the dangerous zone for almost 2 weeks.  I feel like one of those Garfield cats you see in car windows with their faces smashed on the glass looking out. 

    My chest is tight.  For those of you without this disease my best way to describe this is to compare it to diving too deep in the water and that tightness you feel in your chest before you can get to the surface and breath in that sweet deep breath.  Well.... I haven't had that breath in about a year, and then only on fortunate days.
    So far my new medication isn't too bad.  The only side effect that has surfaced is diahria (sp?)... which is almost fine because all the rest of my other drugs are still causing constipation.  I haven't felt any improvement yet, but it's been less than a week.   LOL  I was pleasantly surprised that my insurance pays 100% of it. 

    I got a call tonight.  One of those calls that as soon as you hear the voice and the first sentence, your blood runs cold and your heart just feels heavy.
    One of my best friends through Jr. High and High School's sister called to tell me her little sister had just been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.  I can't recall dates (when I hear bad news I get selective hearing) but they opened her up to do a lobectomy (which is pretty much a lung volume reduction surgery) they were going to remove one or both upper lobes, but once they opened her up they found cancer had went into her lymphatic system,  They are doing a brain scan next week to see if it has metastasized.  Her course of action now is chemo, but of course they will not know how bad or how long until all tests are done. 

    I am not a very religious person... but please pray for her.  Her name is Gail and I love her, she is 49 years old.

    This makes me just want to SCREAM at cigarettes.  We started smoking together, sneaking cigarettes and going "for walks" to smoke them.  We were maybe 13.  Because ..... YES, we knew they were supposed to be bad for us, but "nothing bad will ever happen to us". 

    Any way.. I am just heartbroken. 

    Tuesday, December 6, 2011

    Sorry for my absence

    I went to my Pulmonologist today. For a couple weeks I have really struggled getting air in or out. I had already done the antibiotics and prednisone and it didn't work. He said I have been having an acute exacerbation and most likely alveoli are bursting. I am scheduled for more tests and a spirometry test in February. He put me on a new long term drug called Daliresp.  It has some real nasty side effects. 


    He told me that from this point out there is little he can do to ease my pain and breathing issues without surgery. So... when things get bad from now on it means a hospital stay, or major pain medication at home. He told me to limit my exertion but to move about as much as possible. I think that was his way of telling me that exercise is out. I'll do what I can in my chair and with weights.

    This just was quite a set back for me. Seems like when things begin to go downhill, it goes quickly.
     
    All this and I still don't have my computer back.  I am not too adept at using my laptop for blogging.  I will try and do better and keep you updated on how things are going. 
    Don't forget about me!  lol

    Wednesday, November 30, 2011

    No change

    I spent the day on the couch.  I could not get enough energy or breath to do anything.  Well, I take that back.... I got dressed.  I tried to call the nurse.  Left a message with no answer.  I should have kept calling.  I'll try again tomorrow to get ahold of someone.

    Until then... I am calling it a night. 

    Tuesday, November 29, 2011

    Times, they are a changin


    Yesterday was another one of those really difficult breathing days. I just have had too many and with my Primary Care Doctor out until February I had little choice but to call my Pulmomologist.

    I spoke with his nurse (whom is SO good to me) and explained that I had been on a week of antibiotics and prednisone.  Usually at least 2 weeks of both so I thought that was noteworthy.  I mentioned that the clinic had taken Ex-Rays and my left lung looked spotted or shadowed or whatever???

    I talked to her about a nebulizer.  I had tried one before after a Spirometry test and it didn't seem to do much.  I asked her if I could try one now that I am having big painful breathing issues.

    She told me to come on up and she would give me a machine and a breathing treatment there.  So far I have done 3 treatments yesterday and 3 today and I can tell no difference.
    She also made an appointment for me Monday to see the Doctor, but told me if this isn't working to call her.  I will do that tomorrow.  I just wanted to give the machine a chance to work.

    I tried today to take Layla and Priscilla walking.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking???  I got about 50 steps from the car with Priscilla and stopped, rested and turned around and got back in the car and came home.

    Today also I jumped on the trampoline for 10 minutes and used our "shaker" thingy for 10 minutes.

    Tonight my chest hurts, my lungs are tight, and I cannot get air in or out.  My medications aren't working and I don't know what to do other than medicate and try and fall asleep.  That is what happens when things get painful.  I medicate and sleep.  Some life huh?!  Sorry, it's just getting very frustrating to try so hard to get into some kind of rhythm only to be knocked down and the only way out is to drug myself.

    Yesterday I talked to Bill and told him I didn't want him to judge me..... but..... there are some times when my chest hurts so bad and my breathing is just terrible that instead of taking my anxiety medication, I would just like to go to the hospital.  Even if it means spending 5 or 6 hours in the emergency room.  At least there I am on strong enough I.V. drugs that I have a pain # of about 4 instead of 9 or 10.  Just to have relief for a period of time is such a nice change.
    He said he understood.  I try and be tough.  I pride myself in not whining, or complaining about how uncomfortable I am or how much pain I am in.  I always have been like that.  It comes from having two older brothers that used to call me a baby or a girl when I would get hurt and cry... so now I can take a hit like a man.  LOL  So... when I tell Bill I sometimes just want to be hooked up to an I.V. he understands.

    I am hoping that there is a reason for this.... the inversion layer, the wood smoke from fireplaces, maybe a virus or infection?  I hope this isn't my new normal... because it really will limit me.

    Even walking through the stores (which I never had a problem doing because I was hanging onto a cart) now is work.  Hell, even vacuuming leaves me gasping for air.

    It's times like this that I am so pissed at myself for letting my smoking get so out of hand that it left me in this condition.

    So... I will hopefully be on tomorrow and let you know what the nurse has to say when I call to tell her the nebulizer is not working and what she has planned next.
    Until then.........................

    Sunday, November 27, 2011

    Shopping, Constipation and self pity

    I did some Christmas shopping today with Layla.  I just bought a few Wii games for Brittney and Fernando and a couple things for Bill.  Just being out at 2 stores and I am wiped out.

    A funny story.  Evidently, Bill told Layla that for every dollar she saves he will match it and then take her shopping for her mom and Fernando and her grandma.  So... (remember I took Layla with me today to buy gifts).... Tonight Britt calls me and says... um mom... "did you get me a Zumba for Christmas?"  I didn't say anything... she says.... "Layla came to me and said... do you like Zumba?  I'll bet you $5.00 that you'll get one for Christmas!"  LoL!!

    Britt said it was the funniest thing ever... she said Layla was asking to pick up dog poo for $$, to mop the floors for $$, to rake up pine needles for $$.  She told her mom that whatever she makes her Papa will double it.  So she said... "Mom if you give me $300.00 then Papa will give me $600.00."
    I think we have a new C.E.O. for Fannie Mae or Freddy Mac!  lol  The child is 6!  lol  Any way, Britt and I got quite a laugh out of it, and Britt asked if she could use her Zumba.  Ugh... NO, not till Santa brings it to her.

    I have blown my diet/healthy eating/weight loss progress.  I need to re-do my entire program.  I won't even write down any excuses, because with each wrong choice I made I knew it.  I could have just as easily eaten something else.

    My only defense is... not feeling well, not having enough energy to cook my own meals and make sure they are lean proteins and lots of colorful veggies.
    The only good thing I can say is that I have been eating so many fruits that I should be changing colors to pink or purple.  I am having such a difficult time with constipation.  I am now eating about 3 ounces of berries (either blackberries or raspberries) a night, and 2-2.5 ounces of raisins a day.  Just that you would think would work.  Plus taking 4 Dulcolax a day... 2 in the morning and 2 at night.

    I have had some bowel movements, but I am just bloated beyond belief.
    I feel like everything is so out of control.  My body is just turning against me.  I remember this spring I felt so good.  I was losing weight.  I was exercising regularly.  I was feeling better.

    Then I began to have chest pain, quit exercising, my body began to rebel against digestion and my weight loss halted.

    Right there tells me my answer.  I know what it is.  I don't want to utter these words......
    I just have lost faith that I can do this.  I am afraid to push my body because the fall out pain is getting worse.  
    I am comforting myself with food, which I know is a No No!  It just makes all things worse.  It makes my breathing more labored, it makes my self esteem low, it makes my determination go away and my goal of surgery or transplant out of reach.

    I feel like I did when I was a smoker.  I know all the right things to do to get to my goal... I am just failing at doing what's right.

    It's easy to say.... "I am sick therefore I can't exercise"  It's easy to make valid excuses why I can't do these things, or why they are so hard.

    I understand that for me those excuses are crap... I am stronger than that and I CAN do it.  I can reach my goal.  I just have to dig deep and understand that even if I can't exercise then I need to cut my food intake way down.  I will not lay down and die.  And actually by not continuing with my weight loss, that is what I am doing.  I am still at 196.  I am 5'4".  They want my BMI to be at 30%.  I will buy a scale that shows my BMI and work toward that mark.

    The thing is... (which may explain why I keep sabotaging myself) I am afraid of surgery.  Yes, my breathing is bad and getting worse.  But I am still alive.  I can still shop, play cards, hug my daughter and granddaughter.  I am afraid of them doing surgery.  This isn't some little procedure they do.  LVRS... the chance of leakage is great.... the chance of infection is high.  Transplant... well, I will save that for the day that I am laying in bed unable to do anything.

    I am so frightened of lung surgeries.  So... even if I get thinner and meet their criteria I still don't want to rush to surgery.  I just want to be ready when MY time comes at MY own pace.  Therefore I have to trudge along and keep losing weight.  I just have to... no argument.

    P.S.  This may be the wrong thing to do... but December's Weight Watchers is out for now.  I need to talk to myself.... get my self esteem going in the right direction, and decide to be healthy or lay down and give up.

    Friday, November 25, 2011

    Be careful about statements... they only get worse.

    Well, my last blog was on the 19th.  In that blog I mentioned I was about as winded as I had ever been.

    I am going to have to be careful about those kind of comments.  It can only get worse from here on out.  Today is 6 days later and I have been in bed since about 2:00 this afternoon.  Terrible pain was crushing my chest, mostly on the right side and my back, neck and arms hurt... ached.  To this point in my life today was the hardest it has been to get breath.  The thing it is... or it seems, is... I can take a breath, but it doesn't seem to make it where it needs to go.  I feel starved of air, actually like I am drowning and can't get back to the surface to draw in a good breath.  Today however even drawing in air was difficult.  Bill mentioned that two of our neighbors are burning and that probably it was the smoke and the inversion layer that got me.

    I just took my anxiety medication and a couple pain pills and hoped and prayed things would get better.  It is not hours since then and my chest is still tight and breathing is not easy.  However, laying down sometimes is very difficult.  So, even if I am tired laying down is not an option.  Many nights have been spent in my recliner chair.  Doesn't that sound like a terribly old person?!  Jeeze!  I am not 50 yet (still a few months) and I am talking like my grandmother used to.

    I have been telling Bill for a week now that it is seeming like I can't get a good breath in.

    I am off the antibiotics and steroids and back on my normal medication.  I have been suffering terribly with constipation.  It seems every one of my medications list that as a side effect.  I have been eating raisins, berries, melon, salads and veggies and nothing is moving.  I will wait a few days then start looking for a enema.  Nice subject matter huh?  Sorry, it's just a reality with this illness.

    Thanksgiving was lovely.  Brittney and Fernando had it at their house.  Everything was decorated so pretty, and dinner and the company was excellent.
    Layla spent the night with Fernando's mom and the kids went Black Friday midnight shopping.

    Layla called me this afternoon wanting to spend the night and I had to tell her no.  I hate that.  I hate my breathing issues coming between me and my grandchild.  I told her Saturday she can come spend the day with me and we will do something special.

    And since my last blog... an anniversary has past of my mom's death.  I wish I could forget these types of anniversaries and just remember all good things.  The 21st was 4 years.  Right before Thanksgiving.  I remember like it was yesterday.  We spent Thanksgiving day packing her things to ship home and the neighbors brought all of us over Thanksgiving dinner.

    She just loved this time of year.  I have all her decorations (or the ones that I could grab and ship) up.  I finally finished my Christmas tree.  Bill put it up one day.  One day I "fluffed" it, the next day I put ribbons on it and the 3rd day I finally got it decorated.  I had asked Britt for help... just unwrapping the ornaments and handing them to me.  But, I don't think she realized I REALLY needed help.

    I won't go in to the "I used to" stories.  It just takes so much time for me to do things anymore.  I am still doing them, so I won't complain too much.  It just is frustrating.  Soon it will be time to make cookies and candies and fudge and sweat breads and it will take me many days or a week to do it, instead of a few days.

    It's not just that.  It's my memory issues, it's my eyesight failing me quickly, it's my bowels not working, it's my self esteem dipping because I gave away all my fat clothes and now I left with a very small wardrobe, of which I will not buy anything else because I don't want to be like this.

    I am not exercising, I am not bouncing or walking.  I just feel like at every turn I am failing.

    Note to self.... Make a New Years Resolution list and FOLLOW IT.

    Saturday, November 19, 2011

    Day 2 on Prednisone

    I got up this morning and washed my face, took my morning meds, got into clean pajama's, got my coffee and have been either in my chair or on the computer all day.  I napped for maybe 20 minutes.
    I feel wiped out.  My breathing is terrible!  I am the most winded I think I have ever been for extended periods of time.  Not like when I am walking or exercising... but this isn't going away.  I just feel like I am trying to race to catch up to a good deep breath if that makes any sense?

    Layla spent the night tonight.  She was the best girl.  Very helpful and caring to me.  I threatened her though maybe that's why!  LOL I explained that I really didn't feel good and she could spend the night, but if she started not minding or getting sassy with me then I was going to call her mom and send her home.
    I love her and she really is a good girl, she just has a mouth on her and doesn't mind being punished.  I don't envy Brittney, I never had that experience with little kids.

    I have kept my appetite in check today.  Last night I lost it and shared 2 cheese sandwiches with Priscilla.  Yes 2!!!  Isn't that ridiculous.  Today I have eaten mostly fruit, and Bill made me a omelet with turkey sausage crumbles in it, and toast.

    I put Priscilla into a photo calender contest in our local newspaper.  I will post a link here and if anyone wouldn't mind helping her get votes.  Evidently the other entrants have extended families who are voting, or many email address's.  LoL  As soon as the voting opened up they already had double digit #'s.

    Yes,... I am shamelessly begging for votes for my dog on my blog!!!
    You have to register to vote, but the registration process is very easy.  Priscilla's photo is the one in her pink polka dot dress and it's on page 16.
    Here is the link.........
    http://heraldandnews.upickem.net/

    I told Bill if she doesn't make it in... I might just take some photos of her and make calenders for all of our family.  LOL  Layla said... "what about me"  I said she gets to be posted all over my house in frames, Priscilla gets her calender... and maybe we can do a family picture for Christmas so she can wear her pretty Christmas dress.

    O.K.  Time to go take my bedtime meds and get ready to try and sleep.  Last night was hit and miss, I am hoping tonight is better.

    Friday, November 18, 2011

    Geese, Bulldogs and Steroids

    Wednesday afternoon Bill and I took Priscilla down to feed the geese and ducks.  I was worried that Priscilla would just run at them and scare them off.... or, they would be too afraid because she was there and not want us to feed them.

    Well, they came running at us... dog or not.  At first Priscilla was scared then she just stuck her pug nose up in the air and tried to get some kind of scent.  Evidentally she wasn't worried about them and they her.... however... birds and dog got a little pushy about the bread.  Priscilla wanted to eat it as much as they did, so she kind of pushed the bird/dog boundaries.

    She started "talking" to Bill when she saw him throw the bread to the ducks.  lol  The "blue panties" is a diaper because she is in heat.  It has liners and can be washed and dried.  She just walks around like a little kid with a full diaper.  LOL

    My girl has quite the pose!

    I just love that squishy face and body!!


    She was shaking her head.  This is best done outside anyway.  If anyone ever saw that movie Turner and Hooch... she gets those "shoe string" drools sometimes.  

    A friend of mine after I posted these on my face book page said about this picture... Nice cleavage!  lol  


    She is staring down the Geese.  I am surprised they were all so at ease with each other.
    For the last 3 or 4 days I have been telling Bill that I just don't feel very good.  Less good than normal shall I say.  My chest has hurt more than usual, my breathing more labored, and when I do cough (which is not very often since I quit smoking) I have green sputum.  So I called my Pulmonologist's nurse who usually goes to the doctor and he calls in a prescription for steroids and antibiotics without me even coming in.... Unless I ask to see him.  Today I called and the nurse tells me he won't be in today.  My primary care doctor who I adore was leaving this afternoon to begin her maternity leave... so I went to the walk in clinic in the same medical center.  They just rotate doctors so all the patient charts are still there... very convenient and smart if your reg doctor is not available.

    So... after ex-rays and an exam she tells me that it seems there is fluid in both lungs, more in the left.  Yep... Prednisone and Zpack antibiotics.  This time only for a week, which I found odd.  Maybe she just wanted to get me through the week and let me call my pulmonologist.  Which... I probably will.

    I started the new meds today.  Of course a loading dose of steroids... 3 this afternoon, 1 with dinner, then 2 more tonight... and then 5 tomorrow and one less each day after.
    I just never have only been on one week before.  Cross your fingers for me that this will work and I won't need more.  Maybe she is onto something here.

    I tried today to just come home and lay around, but I can't.  I played online, took a nap, played online, did dishes, played online, at left overs for dinner.  Now I am blogging and thinking of bed.  I just feel spent.
    Of course I doubt with the steroids I will sleep much.  Which means the rest of the week will call for naps.  Some people can take this and not experience too many bad side effects.  I find along with the lack of sleep, this makes dieting really hard.  I have no "full" meter when I am on these.  A few times, but rarely do I have swelling... other than my legs.  I get headaches and my anxiety levels are heightened.  A fun week.  Hopefully I will be feeling better and off of the drugs and effects by Thanksgiving and black Friday.

    Here is what google says about Prednisone's side effects......


    Trade Names: 
    Although available in several branded formulations, prednisone is almost universally referred to by its generic name.  Prednisone is available in numerous orally doses. 
      Prednisone is a commonly used corticosteroid medication that is used primarily because of its potent anti-inflammatory effect by suppression of the immune system.  Corticosteroids get their name because the naturally produced steroid structured hormone in this class c called cortisol is produced in the adrenal cortex.  Another name for this class of medications is glucocorticoids.  
    One of the major prednisone side effects, elevation of blood glucose levels, is common to this class of medications.  Typical medical problems treated with prednisone include asthma, severe allergic reactions, and autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosis, and polymyalgia rheumatica.
    Common Prednisone Side Effects with short term use:
    Prednisone causes at least some side effects in a many patients.  
    Many patients notice fluid retention often in the ankles, but sometimes all over.  Appetite tends to be increased, and weight gain is common even with short term use.  Anxiety, agitation and nervousness are also common prednisone side effects.  Insomnia can be a common result of these psychological prednisone side effects. 
    Elevation of blood sugar is common, often leading to a diagnosis of diabetes in patients not previously known to have diabetes.   Suppression of the immune system is a nearly universal prednisone side effect, and is related directly to its mechanism of use.  This is usually not of clinical significance, but it can lead to delayed wound healing in postoperative patients.  Acid dyspepsis, gastritis and peptic ulcers are occasionally seen as prednisone side effects.

    Here is what google says about Prednisone'sLoL  She kind of demands her time.  At least with me.  So... I am really looking forward to spending some time with her.  I asked the doctor if I was contagious and she said no.  So... I can breath on whom ever I want. 
    I am going to do my best and be tough and drink lots of fluids, eat lots of soup and veggies and try to have a good weigh in this coming week.  I need a good weigh in, and these steroids could not have come at a worse time.  
    I had a good friend tell me her messages are not showing up.  I hope this is a Google issue (I will look into once I feel better), please... trust me... I cherish every message I get... good, bad or otherwise.... so I would never delete any of you... except for rude or cruel messages.  So... Savannah Hun... hang in there with me and I will find out why your messages are not showing up for you.  I checked a couple blogs and your messages are showing up for me.  I will still look into it.  If anyone else seems to have comments disappear, please let me know.
    I lean on my friends here as much as I do anywhere else, probably more because here I pour my heart and soul out.  I appreciate each one of the "looks" or "hits" I get, and always hope that someone took something away from my blog that might have helped them, or that they could relate too.
    Have a good weekend.

    Tuesday, November 15, 2011

    Weigh in

    I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I need to get better.  I need to quit repeating myself over and over again in my blogs.  I am getting sick of myself.

    My weigh in today was .2 pounds I gained.  Remember, I did not go last week so considering my total lack of trying that is not bad.

    It is by no means acceptable though and I will do better.  I have had enough of my depression and dark moods.  I will pull myself up by my boot straps or bra straps or whatever it takes.

    In the mail today came a request for medical information from a doctor whom I had no idea who he was????  So, I called my insurance company wondering if they had put through a referral and as it turned out.. yes.

    My appointment is for December 13th and it is to discuss removing my uterus, or putting netting in to hold up my bladder, or just removing the cyst that continues to grow.  I was so busy concentrating on my weight gain and depression that I forgot to mention that.  That and they found a spot on my breast (same one that was biopsied before) that they will watch and see if a chunk needs to be taken off of it, or just removed.

    We'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

    I am tired again tonight.  Brittney has 2 tests tomorrow and she needed to study, so I picked up Layla after school and fed her and helped her with her homework.  Britt just left with her about a half hour ago.  I have taken medication early tonight.
    Priscilla is already sleeping in the doorway to my bedroom just in case I forget to get her.

    Wednesday, November 9, 2011

    Bear Claws and Tears

    I have been doing better this week (it's only Wednesday!  lol) with my healthy eating.

    Well, let me take that back (already) Bill brought home a package of bear claws.  There were 8 in the package, I think I ate 5, maybe 6.  So much for healthy eating.  I am trying to remind him that losing weight for me is not a vanity thing.  It is a have to thing.  In order to have LVRS or transplant I need to be at a healthy weight.  Right now I am not.  So, I asked him nicely if he wants things like that to please feel free... just keep them in his room, or hide them in the back of the frig, at least not right in front for me to see.  I have NO control over things like that.

     I have one day on the trampoline and the other days actively shampooing carpets and unloading boxes of Christmas.

    The tree is a goner.  I took my rotating one to Brittney and she has it beautifully decorated in her house.  So, I will be buying a new tree this year.

    Layla spent the night last night.  She was such a good girl but it seems she woke up at 4:00 and went and crawled in bed with Papa, so Bill has been up since about 4:30.

    Britt called me tonight and told me she got sick this afternoon.  Stomach flu and fever and sore throat.  She was just warning me so I could watch for symptoms and get to the doctor.  Poor thing, I just hate it when she is sick.

    Britt told me she is impressed with my immune system.  I really haven't gotten sick often since I was diagnosed.  A few times, but really the doctors are right on top of it.  As soon as I get a sniffle or fever in the blink of an eye I am on anti-biotics and steroids.  Of course I use disinfectant wipes and bleach everywhere.  I am always washing my hands and use a ton of lotion.

    I am still struggling to get out of this mood.  I have been spending my nights just heart broken.  I am thinking a lot about mom, anniversaries of death are just terrible.  I always try so hard to forget this, but I can't.  I wonder if it would have be easier if I had gotten to say goodbye?  I just miss her so much.  It took me years to get over the death of my dad.  It was life changing for me.  I got lost for about 3 years.  I didn't know who I was if I wasn't daddy's little "sugar pot".  He always made me feel so special.  It's different with mom.  Maybe because I got sick so soon after her death, that I am dealing with my own mortality too.
    It's almost like I am mourning for myself.  I need to snap out of it.  I still am a viable person.  I can do so much.  Sure there are those things that I can't do anymore, but I still have a full life.

    I'll work it out.  I think I need to give myself a break, cut Bill some slack and start enjoying Layla more.  That would be an excellent start.

    Monday, November 7, 2011

    Smiles through tears

    The fireplace and mantle in the living room

    Boxes still to unpack and the Christmas Tree in the dining room

    Even the hallway gets a touch with a couple Santa's and Champagne for Christmas morning's mimosas

    Yep, even the bathroom has a touch of Christmas

    Priscilla in her polar bear / white hippo sweater 
    Yesterday Bill brought up all the tubs and boxes of Christmas.  He brought the tree up and got it put together.  Everything was filling the dining room.   Yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to decorate.  I couldn't get in the mood.  I told myself that today I would shampoo carpets then begin getting things out and sometime later this week I would tackle the tree.

    So, I began.  When I got to Santa and Mrs. Clause that are animated and an angel I bought for mom that is also animated.... Priscilla put her face on the floor, her butt up in the air and began to bark... then she charged each one, stopping just before impact and growling then backing away and barking and grumbling some more.  It's not only the animation, but she is confused or intrigued or scared of shadows.  Just doing "hand shadows" on the floor or wall will cause her to charge and smash her face into the floor or wall to try and smell whatever it is.  She also chases the beam coming from the flashlight, but that's another story.
    So... between the movement of the 3 animated which each has a "candle" (light bulb) in their hand... which causes shadows constantly moving about... she isn't too impressed with Christmas.

    She just today figured out she can eat the snow.  Bill bought her a sweater that he says has a polar bear on it.  I say it has a white hippo on it.  Either way, it's pretty cute on her.
    She really doesn't mind clothes.  I think she likes them.  The one things I can't seem to convince her to put up with are hats.  She isn't having it.

    So............ today was going to be such a good day.  A little decorating, some cleaning.  Giving me a chance to shake this depression thing I have going on.

    Britt came over after school just sobbing.  I won't go into details but she started smoking again today.  Went and bought herself a pack and began smoking.  She had nearly 24 hours of non smoking going on.  I was so sure she had it this time.  My heart just shattered into a gazillion pieces.
    First I lectured her on how stress is a poor excuse to smoke.  I asked her if it made things better?  Of course it didn't, it just made her feel worse.  Then I told her she can't give in when things get hard.
    That people will die, kids will throw fits, she will fight with Fernando, school will seem impossible.  All these things will not be better as a smoker.

    Then I shut up.  I told her gently that I love her, and that I will be here for her in anyway she needs.  If it is just someone to listen to or to babysit... whatever it will take to ease her stress for a while.  I want her to get on her feet, get stable and throw those things away.
    So.. she set her new quit date for Wednesday, she is bringing her "sister-in-law" with her.  Maybe it will help to have someone do  this with her?

    I just ache for her when she is in pain.  This of course made my day tank.  I would never blame Britt for my depression.  That isn't what I meant.  It's just lately it doesn't take much, and her happiness means the world to me.  I hate a world where she feels like a loser in.  She is my strength, she is anything but weak, so this bothered me as much as her.  Of course, I couldn't show it.  I was strong for her.  I tried with everything in me not to preach, or continue to harp.  I just told her my feelings, warned her about excuses and let it go at that.

    So, I spent tonight like a little kid having a fit and ate everything wrong.  Bill even went and got milkshakes tonight.  I don't even like ice cream very much and I ate it!
    So.... I will not be attending Weight Watchers tomorrow.  I am hoping to spend the week doing a little preaching to myself.  Reminding myself to exercise, to eat the right foods, to take Priscilla for walks even if it's just 20 minutes.  I HAVE to get back on track.  I just feel like I am failing in every area of my life, and the chances of success is getting farther and farther away.

    November is always a little difficult anyway.  It will be 3 years that mom will be gone this month.  She passed away a few days before Thanksgiving.  Not only that but going through Christmas boxes and bringing out her things is always melancholy.  Some smiles through tears.

    It just is that kind of time for me now I guess.  And, the ridiculous part about it is if someone says.... "How are you doing?"  I respond with the same... "Great, thank you".  I have become an expert at acting.

    Saturday, November 5, 2011

    Depression and losing weight

    So, I had my doctors appointment.  Nothing major to report, except my pain meds were increased.  This pain in my chest is just not leaving. I wish I knew why.  It is not there always, but often enough to say continually.  Does that make sense?

    My weight loss this week has gone down the tubes.  When I don't feel good Bill cooks and no matter how many times I tell him I am fine with a chicken breast and a bunch of broccoli he cooks sauces and gravies and bacon and butter.  Of course I am eating it though.
    I have not jumped on my trampoline for quite a while, and I have not walked Priscilla in over a week.  If I were a smart woman I would say the lack of exercise is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I look at myself in the mirror and the person looking back disgusts me.  Last winter I gave away most of my "big" clothes, now I am outgrowing my thinning ones.  That also sets the low self esteem in and feeds my depression.
    I need to snap out of this.  I just feel so unfulfilled in every part of my life.  Like I am not giving 100% in any of it.  I am pissy with Bill, Britt and Layla for no reason.  I am not following my weight loss program.

    Here is a confession.  I look at those on face book who leave these wonderfully alive and exciting status messages and feel like life is passing me by.  I am jealous of those people.  I want to matter.  I am tired of being damaged.  I am tired of being exhausted, I am just tired.

    We had Layla this weekend and I am SO tired.  Britt came and got her this afternoon for a birthday party and while they were gone, I slept.  It is getting so difficult to drag myself from bed in the morning, and when I do get up it takes me hours to get moving.

    Wednesday I got up in the morning and colored my hair back to brown.  It had so many different highlights in it that it was turning a washed out blonde with black and gray showing through, not a good look.  This suits me and makes me feel more wintery.  lol
    We have had snow the last couple days.  Nothing to measure, it just turned the ground white.  I am hoping that next week I can get some Christmas stuff up.  That always cheers me up.

    I am going to give myself a few weeks to get my act together and if I don't see changes in my attitude I am going to talk to whatever doctor is on call (my awesome primary care doctor is out now on maternity leave until Feb) about getting an anti-depressant.  I am not sure how that works since I am already on an anti-anxiety drug?

    O.K. enough for tonight.  I am going to play around on face book a while and go to bed.

    Wednesday, November 2, 2011

    Dog bites and the stomach flu

    The last two days Bill has been showing the symptoms of a cold.  Why is it men can't handle the common cold?  I don't bitch that much when I have surgery!

    I am trying to walk around after him and bleach wipe everything.  I the last couple days have had the stomach flu.  Which is really odd for me because usually it is the opposite and my medication leaves me constipated.  This sounds ridiculous to those who aren't on lifetime medications... but even though I have diarrhea I am still taking my doses of laxatives twice a day.  The last time I had the stomach flu I quit taking the laxatives and within 3 days I was suffering from constipation.  So...

    I went to Walmart today.  I got my nails done and it's the only store that sells our vacuum bags with Fabreeze in them and the hepa thing.  Now that I have Copd and my breathing is worsening each time I use the vacuum I change the bag.  It lessons the dog hair and dander.  I vacuum about every other day... so you can imagine that I keep the vacuum bag people in business.  Any way... (boy did I get side tracked), I was walking through looking around and my stomach flu "hit" me.  I had about 4 things left on my list, but it was CLEAR across the store.  I began walking as fast as I could and got those 4 items.  Got into the shortest line I could find and prayed!
    I made it home and suddenly didn't have to go anymore???!!!!  How does that happen?  Sooner or later it caught up with me though.

    We took Priscilla to the Vet this morning and I made the appointment for her to be spayed December 2nd.  I really gave it some thought about letting her have a litter of puppies.  And, I had good homes for them.  But, there was a risk to her and I just felt it wasn't worth it to risk losing her for puppies.

    While at the Vet she found a hole in her "haunch" just above her thigh, but not exactly on her side or back.  Seems as though one of our dogs got pissy with her and bit her, which is NOT O.K. with me.
    I know having 3 females in the house there has to be a pecking order, and I know the dogs will work out a higher Archy.  I just don't want them fighting.  Neither Bill nor I saw them fight so it had to be quick and no hard feelings, because we saw no difference in the way they react to each other.  We'll just have to keep a close eye.
    It wasn't bad enough for stitches.  I am just taking a wash cloth soaked with Epsom's salts water on it and clean it to make sure it won't get infected.

    It is almost 10:00 and that is about my bedtime.  By the time I take all my meds and get Priscilla in bed it takes about a half hour.  I have a feeling it won't take me long to drift off tonight.

    Tuesday, November 1, 2011

    Weight Gain, and Memory issues

    Let me start by explaining my weight loss ticker up there......
    I wanted this to be an accurate account of my total weight loss.  I had joined Weight Watchers and then quit for a while, so the weight loss that shows above is my entire weight loss journey from April of 2010.  I actually lost some before that maybe 5 or 10 pounds... but this is just my Weight Watchers and Bodybugg progress.

    Today was weigh in and I gained 1.4 pounds.  I know every bite that was wrong.  Too many biscones, I had a fattening blended coffee and then...... Well.... Then I found the Halloween candy.  It was touch and go for a while if those poor little trick-or-treaters would have any for them!  lol

    The cold air is definitely here to stay so my walking outside will now be challenging.  I will go to the Steens Park building and walk inside.  I may try walking downtown, even in the snow most sidewalks are cleared and the buildings may block some of the wind.  That is what takes my breath away.. that ice cold wind hitting my face.  With the cannula on when I am exerting any energy I breathe through my mouth... so when it's ice cold that air goes straight to my lungs.

    I have a few doctors appointments this month that will hopefully give me some news about new medications, new procedures and new testing they want to do to me.  I'll let you know as I find out.

    I am sorry about the lack of blogging... As those of you with a chronic disease knows depression is a huge part of daily life.  I most days/weeks/months have it in check.  Lately I have really struggled with it.  I am having a bigger memory problem, which now is causing issues with Bill.  I get so frustrated and scared that I lash out at him and I am sorry about it.  It just is frightening when you know you are losing ground.  This is something that must be addressed with the doctors.  I am not sure if it is lack of O2? Or, perhaps a side effect of medication... or both?  It would be comforting to know it is temporary.  Heck... it would even be comforting to know if it will continue to get worse... at least I know it's coming and can prepare Bill and Brittney (if that is possible).

    So... I have to get back on the weight track.  No more gains!!!

    Thursday, October 27, 2011

    Haunted Houses and Cake Walks

    Today I did very little.  I did dishes and mad the bed.  Then I sat.
    Britt came over this afternoon and took me to Fred Meyer to do a little shopping then dropped me off at home to rest for a  while.

    We went to Layla's Fall Carnival at her school tonight.  Britt was volunteering so Bill and I took Layla around for all the activities.  She threw bean bags through a jack-o-lantern and won bubble gum and chocolate.  We went to the cake walk and Layla won... only she won all things berry and Britt has allergies to all berries, so the teacher swapped a pumpkin pie and a brownie mix, which made them both happy.  We ate hot dogs that were icky, we had snow cones, Layla had cotton candy, and we went through a room called the haunted house.
    Layla bounced in the bouncy house and then her and I had our picture taken sitting on bales of hay for the year book.

    We asked Becky (one of Brittney's friends ... .like a daughter to me) to babysit Priscilla while we were gone.  We just aren't sure of what she will do if left alone.  She gets into plenty of trouble when we are home to tell her no.

    Now I am going to put my pajama's on... get some tea and take my meds, grab Priscilla and off to bed.  I am hoping that tomorrow I will feel a lot better.  I am hoping this pain will be all the way gone and not in the background reminding me to watch every move I make.

    Wednesday, October 26, 2011

    Chest pain

    Bill and I took Priscilla for a walk at Steens Sports Park.  I think we walked about a mile and a half.  I jumped on the trampoline this morning also... 15 minutes.

    When we got home I began to have that familiar pain in my chest.  Not sure if it's heart... not sure if it's lung.  I took the "medicine cocktail" they prescribed for me and went to bed.  I slept about 3 hours, woke up and ate dinner and still have it.  It is no better or no worse.. .just this constant pain that comes with every breath.

    It could have been brought on by the cold breeze in my face, I don't know?  I consider myself a strong person.  I have never been a complainer and can tolerate pain...
    But when this pain comes on I just want to go to the hospital and be put on pain meds and fluids until it goes away.  I want to be DRUGGED.  I don't want to feel this.  Does that make me a hypochondriac or a weirdo for wanting to hang out at the hospital?

    Well... I am grinning and bearing it.  I will go medicate myself again and go to bed and hope I can sleep through the night.

    More tomorrow.

    Tuesday, October 25, 2011

    Weight Loss, Pilgrams and walnuts

    Today was weigh in.  I lost another 2.4 pounds, bringing the total (this time) to 7 pounds.  Officially I am at 194.  Last year (I can't remember the month) I started out at 224+.  So, I'll take where I have come to.  I still have small goals set and high hopes to get there.  My first goal is to get to 170.  I hope to do that by the first of the year.  I am not setting an ultimate goal.  I will leave that to how I am feeling, and what I can manage.  Don't forget that having my exercise ability limited sometimes makes it hard to post good loses.

    I did not walk today.  I walked yesterday with Kathie and we had a nice walk and a great visit.  I am remembering how effortless it is to be with her.  There aren't many women I feel that way about (in person).  It has been my experience that women are catty and judgmental and not nice.  Terrible isn't it.

    I don't feel any of that with Kathie.  I used to feel she was wiser and more intelligent than I was.  More capable maybe??  This time around, maybe because of my illness... I just feel like me.  I am no worse, no better than anyone else.  I am just me.  People will either take me for that or walk away.  I have been so judged that anyone who is at ease with me makes me happy.

    I came home from walking and made re fried beans and carni asada for dinner.  I actually had energy left.

    Today I went to Weight Watchers which every Tuesday takes about 2 hours.  Then, I came home and jumped on the trampoline.  I had no energy today at all.  I honestly can't remember doing anything.  I went and picked up Layla and she was here for a few hours until Fernando came to get her.  Brittney is studying for her mid-terms and so I told her this week I would help out with the child.

    Bill and Layla were back out today picking up walnuts.  We are going to have truck loads this year!  I will freeze most of them and give away a few.  We ran out last year and I had forgotten how expensive they are until you go to buy a bag of stale walnuts for $8:00.

    Here is the haul so far and we have given 2 small grocery bags full to our neighbors.
    Priscilla trying to will Layla to hand over the bacon and eggs.  LoL




    My Pilgrim's.  They were actually moms and I wouldn't miss the chance to use them, she would like that.  


    I have had a touch of the stomach flu this week.  Crazy!!!  Each one of my meds causes constipation so having diarrhea for more than a day or two is so unusual for me.  I am still taking my laxatives only because I am so afraid to get plugged up again.  That is SO miserable!  So... I am up at night often.  I know it's silly, but I won't quit taking my laxatives only because I know the alternative.

    I think the time of year has come where I won't be doing much walking outside.  Yesterday when we were walking it was chilly and a brisk breeze was blowing in my face.  That makes it so hard to get air.  I will have to take my walking indoors, which means Priscilla won't be allowed.... I don't think anyway.  I will have to do some asking around to see if I can take her inside the arena.

    I am hoping I can gather some energy tomorrow and maybe go to coffee with Kathie.  Maybe we can find somewhere to walk first.  It is supposed to be 17 degrees tonight, so we can count on it being breath taking cold tomorrow.  I love winter, but every year I have forgotten how hard it is to do anything.

    Sunday, October 23, 2011

    Walnuts and Walking

    Just a quick run down.

    I have been exhausted all day.  Layla and Priscilla both slept with me last night and they were the only ones sleeping.  I woke up this morning more tired than when I went to bed.

    After breakfast we went out to the back deck and attacked the walnut tree again.  We are going to have a bumper crop this year.  I am so glad.  Last year we had hardly any.  This year I won't give them away so easily.  They are so expensive and I use them a lot.

    So, then this afternoon-ish (around 12:30) we took Priscilla and Layla to Moore Park  and Bill and Layla looked for drift wood while Priscilla and I walked.  After 3 flops Bill came over and took Priscilla.  She wouldn't get up for me and me standing there watching her rest is not getting my cardio in.  So... I did my 3 laps and we left for Brittney's.

    We stayed there for a couple hours then came home and I pretty much melted.

    It's early, but I have already taken medication and am heading to bed.

    Thursday, October 20, 2011

    A day that did my heart good.

    I didn't wake up this morning until 9:00.  That doesn't happen very often with me.  Usually like clock work I am up by 7:00, 8:00 at the latest.  I just have been so tired lately.  This morning I was determined to exercise.  I jumped on the trampoline for 20 minutes.  That is the most I have been able to do in months.  I felt pretty good afterwards.  I went and took a long shower while Bill was at the store then when he got home I took Priscilla down to Moore Park for our walk.
    I did 1 1/2 laps and decided to sit down and give her a drink of water and let her rest.  She drank and then sprawled out on the grass panting.  After 5 minutes or so we got back up and she walked another half lap and splat!  She was down right on the asphalt pathway and was not getting up with coaxing!  LoL

    I just stood there waiting, because there was no way she was getting up.  Every once in a while I would tug on her leash and basically began to drag her.  lol  Now I know where the term "bull" headed comes from.  She is teaching me so much!
    We finished our walk and then I drove through the park.  I love, love, love it there this time of year.  The colors against the green luscious grass is just gorgeous!



    Now... about 13 years ago give or take a year or so (my mind is jello lately) I joined my business with another here in town.  The woman who owned the other business (we both had property management businesses) and I became friends.  More than friends, she was like the sister I never had.  I loved her.
    I won't go into details or fault because that doesn't matter, but we split up abruptly and never spoke again.

    Over the years I would see her occasionally and just avoid eye contact.  All the while I missed her terribly.  I hated how we left things, but was too proud or stubborn or afraid of rejection to go see her or make an attempt to get in touch.

    Today on the way home from the park, my car took a left and I ended up in her driveway.  I took a deep breath (which is hard to do on O2... a joke!), and walked up to her door.  I stood there for a minute and got the courage to ring the doorbell.
    She opened the door, looked for a brief moment to try and grasp the concept of me at her door and we just hugged and cried.

    We will have to build back up the trust we once shared so easily, but I am so thankful to have her back in my life.  We exchanged phone #'s again and got in touch on face book and I look forward to reconnecting with her.

    I came home tonight and my heart felt good.  What a waste of many years.  I am glad I stopped my car.  I had driven by before, but didn't have the courage to stop.
    I love her and have missed her so much.  My mom would be smiling down.

    I forgot to mention that Fernando came over 2 days ago and helped Bill get our Christmas lights up.  Now when everyone else is struggling in the cold, we will go plug our in and smile.  :)

    That's all I have tonight.  I just had a tremendous day and wanted to share.