As I live and breathe

First things first. Meals...
This morning just coffee and water.
Lunch... 1 sm 4 ounce can tuna drained, 1 Anaheim chili, Tomato, onions, 1 hard boiled egg chopped and 2 tbls reduced fat yogurt parmesian dressing.
Dinner... 1/2 Cup Rotini pasta, and I made Spaghetti sauce with tomato sauce and seasoning and added 1 pound ground turkey.
And a salad, Romaine lettuce, cucumbers, onion, tomatoes and yogurt Parm dressing.
And of course more WATER! lol

I also made a small 2 cups package of fat free/ sugar free jello w/ 2 % milk and had half of it. Bill at the other half. Cheesecake flavor. Not so bad.

I am going to try 1%, I am just not sure about it. I was a sworn whole milk drinker. I can't drink that if I intend to lose weight.

Night time just before bed seems to be my snacky period. I'll have to find something satisfying for then.

So, Bill must have been taking ads out in the paper. I went to Safeway this afternoon to get a few veggies and one of the checkers in there that is familiar said when she saw me... (as she tilted her lead to the side) "Kellie, I am so sorry you aren't doing well." I just can feel it and see it coming.

I just want to be me. I don't want to be the "transplant woman" or the "unfortunate smoker" or anything else. I can still walk while shopping, you do not see me in those carts... even though some days I so badly want to use them! I am still cleaning my house (when breathing is optimal), I am playing with my granddaughter, picking tomatoes which I planted off the vine. I am living. I am not some sickly bed ridden withered person. I am just me. Some days a better me, but me all the same.

I shouldn't have been at the store probably anyway. All day I have had a pain in my left lung. Sharp. I know it's probably still from the tests the other day. I asked Bill to go and he gave me a look like "are you kidding me". So, me in my determined... I don't need anybody attitude went in and changed into decent clothes and went to the store. I really have to quit that, because I am not hurting anyone but myself.

It's hard to know you are limited.

Does anyone talk to themselves? Well, there are times I am quite a good conversationalist all by myself! LoL I talk to myself when I am wallowing in self pity to get me out of it. I talk to my mom A LOT! I talk to myself when I am trying to convince myself of things.

There you have it, I am a whack job! If the white coats appear at my door I will know it had to be one of you who called them.

Well today, I was looking in the mirror. I just kept repeating transplant (of course whispering, because I know Bill would call the "ward" LOL). It just didn't fit to what I saw in the mirror. But then, what does a transplant patient look like? I guess it could be any one of us.

I am not sure of the protocol of transplant yet. I mean, I have had so many people tell me I am one of the lucky ones. If I disagree, am I being disrespectful? I know there are many many people who die every year of Copd and Emphysema, and I am sure each one of them would have given anything to be in my place. So, yes I suppose I am being disrespectful.

I am sure they would understand I am scared. I am so afraid. Bill sees the big picture... Me after surgery... me with new lungs.
I see me on the operating table with my lung or lungs removed, breathing by artificial means. That is not a picture I like to have in my head.