Finding the right direction

This morning I woke up and just like every other morning I felt sluggish, my feet hurt, my legs were stiff from cramping all night. I drank a couple cups of coffee and got in the shower.

I came out of the shower with a strange determination. Lately I have felt miserable, both emotionally and physically. I have felt like I have totally lost control of my life and that scares me and pisses me off. I always have been able to keep things in perspective and while I may take a few days and dwell on my issues I always bounce back. Lately not so much.

So, this morning was me ... telling me ... to step up and take control and quit giving up. After my shower I got dressed and took my O2 canister out of my handbag and found the ugly back pack thing that my first canister came in. I got my walking shoes and told Bill I was going to walk the nature trail.

We used to walk this trail a lot. I thought it was last year, but it was actually this Spring. My how much has happened since then! In March and April I was walking and going to Weight Watchers and trying to fight this disease. Then in May my heart problems began and my O2 saturation started to get out of whack and I was put on full time oxygen.

That has been my anchor. Something that I felt/feel changes me. Changes my appearance, how people perceive me, how I look at myself. It makes me feel weak, needy, damaged. It has become what I am and ... that's not me. I am strong, I am determined, I can handle change. I need to remember these things.

So to the trail we went. It's 2 1/2 miles. My last walks included stops every so often to catch my breath, not long ... just long enough to let my heart rate settle down and my breath to come back. This time however I was on O2. I walked and didn't stop to sit once. One, because I was determined to get going, and Two... because honestly I was afraid if I sat down I would never get going again! I stopped a few times to catch my breath especially the closer we got to the finish line but I walked it. I walked it without stopping to sit and rest!
I am terrible at taking my heart rate so I did my best... I think at the end of the walk it was around 140-150. When we got home after resting my pulse rate was 109 which is what it has been lately.

I surprised myself. I am not sure if it was the best thing to do at this moment in time. But, I did it. I will wait until after my doctors appointment to get the results of my echo-cardiogram and then talk to my doctor about her recommendations on more exercise.

One step in the right direction. =)