Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A day that felt cursed

This is partly an update on Bill and I, but also some new developments with my breathing.. my oxygen supplier.. and my Pulmomologist.

First things first I guess.  Remember I had asked my Pulmonologist if he classified me as terminal and he said yes, of course.  Today his nurse called and said that they had sent the necessary paperwork to HUD.  Then she asked if I could come in and do a breathing test, she said that my oxygen supplier had mentioned that I am going through much more O2 tanks lately so she wanted me to take off my O2 for 45 minutes and then come in and do some testing.  Well... that is fine and dandy, but being without O2 and "walking" anywhere is impossible.  Well, not impossible but really stressful and my heart rate will begin racing.  This happens at 2:00 tomorrow afternoon.  I'll let you know how that goes.  I am afraid that if they need to increase my O2, then I will be moved up to the larger tanks that come on wheels and are about 3ft or more tall.  Another ego thing.  At least now I can keep the O2 canisters in my handbags.  A look at the bright side, I will once again be able to use my designer bags.  :)

Next today... Brittney called and wanted to know if I could pick up Layla.  She wasn't feeling well and Britt couldn't get out of class.  So, I went and picked her up and tried to convince her if she was sick she had to lay around in bed and watch her cartoons.

While I was going back and forth taking care of Layla, I told Bill about my Dr. appointment tomorrow and how they had sent my "terminal" form into HUD.  He says... he has been thinking and he only loved 2 women in his life... his grandmother and me.
He said he wants to change and make us fall back in love again.  I told him yesterday when he made some remark about me staying here in the house for a year, that I couldn't.  That he will get drunk next week or next month and I will once again be making up all my medical issues, that my mother will still be a way to get at me, that mentioning my family upsets me.. nothing will change.  A sober man is one thing... a drunk man on pain meds is something different.

I knew this would happen the longer I am here.  If I go back this time I am doomed to live with this the rest of my life because I will not be strong enough to fight and to move in the years to come.

With every time I turn him down or tell him it's over I cause pain. And, I didn't start this... and I don't want to be the one to hurt him.  I will always love him, I just can't live with him.  Maybe our perfect relationship will be to live apart and date????  Who knows.

I told him we can't talk about this in front of Layla and then the phone rang.

Britt's friend since 4th grade is like a daughter to me.  She actually asks for me when serious issues come about instead of her  own mom.   Her and Britt decided to get pregnant together.  Well, Beck got pregnant right away.... Britt and Fernando are still trying.  About a month ago at an ultrasound appointment they found out he (the baby) had a heart defect that would mean surgery as soon as he was born then 3 more surgeries.  And at around age 15 he may need a heart transplant.  Of course we were all devastated and have been trying to help Beck hold it together.  She is about the most sensitive child I have ever seen.  I say child... she is 32.  They just got back from a children's hospital in Portland after spending a week there they were optimistic.  The doctors even told her to go ahead and make plans for a baby shower, start buying him clothes.... that they will be fine.  She was going back to Portland the last month of her pregnancy so once born they could take him directly to surgery.

Tonight she lost him.  So I went directly to the hospital.  She is of course devastated as is her boyfriend (they have been together for 12 years or more).  She had started to have contractions then they stopped.  They want her to have a vaginal birth.  She is suffering, not knowing if she should or could hold him once he is delivered, she goes from a feeling of relief that he wasn't born and she got to know him and bond with him... then felt guilt because of how she was feeling.  I tried to tell her whatever she is feeling will be a range of emotions and she may change her mind numerous times.  The doctor came in and said it may take 9hours, to 15 hours, to 2 days to deliver him.

I just feel so bad for them. Brittney is spending the night with her and doesn't have school tomorrow so can be with her.  I told her I will come up in the morning and check on her.  I am just heart broken for them.
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