Changes are coming

I had mentioned that I was going to take a trip the end of the month to spend a few days with a couple of friends that also were great friends of my moms. Bill was going to stay home and I had thought my brother was going as well.

As you know I had been waiting for any communication back from the Surgeon regarding my thyroid procedure. Last I heard my insurance was not going to cover it. So, I called the Dr's office this morning and asked them if any progress had been made. Nope. So, I asked her if I called would it help? She told me all I could do was try. So... I got on the phone and called. It probably added to the outcome that I used the phone. My voice these days is "sandy" and scratchy so when the voice mail came on and told me to leave a message.. they could hear part of the effects of these nodules. I also told them that I have severe emphysema and I am sure that one or both of these are pressing against my wind pipe making it different to swallow and at times hard to catch my breath.

Then, I remembered Brittney had a late final today and I was supposed to go get Layla. I grabbed my bag and keys and left.
Layla was especially happy today and so I thought on the way home I would treat both of us and stop by Jo-Anns Fabrics to find a craft we could do together. Besides that I love that store. Put me in any store with beads, fabric and paints.. throw in silk flowers and I am in HEAVEN!

We found some perfect things made out of wood that she could paint and decorate. She found a kit to make a necklace or she wanted to make a bracelet. She found some stickers to put on special paper. And, Grandma found some silk flowers for sconces I had in my dining room that have been empty for a year. And, I even found a Christmas gift for Brittney I could put away. We had a good outing.

We drove home and as well pulled up Bill came out and got Layla out of her seat and got our bag of goodies and started in the house. Britt was there, she finished her final early.
Bill immediately scolded me for not calling to check in and not just coming home. I kind of barked back at him and told him Whoa!! For the first time in a long time I took Layla out and we had a nice 1/2 hour. For a 1/2 hour I was not sick, I was not anything but out with my granddaughter. Yes, I had the O2 with me, and yes a few times I had to tell Layla to slow down pushing the cart with my bag in it because I could feel the cord tighten around my face... but we had a good time.

I tried to tell Bill that it was O.K.. Brittney told him to let it go, he just kept on. I felt instantly weight on my shoulders. The wind left my sails. I felt damaged again. It just pissed me off.

Layla had a snack and Brittney said while I was gone, right after she got there the phone rang and it was my health insurance lady. Brittney said at first she wouldn't tell Brittney anything, then after Brittney explained she was my daughter, and knew all about my thyroid issue and the need to have the procedure... this woman on the other end of the phone said "tell Kellie to let her doctor know permission is given and a fax will be sent to his office"!! That quick!

So, after Britt and Layla left I tried to call his office, which was already closed, I will call tomorrow with the news. Then I turned to Bill and told him we needed to come to an understanding.

That I know how much he worries about me. He sees me gasp for air, he knows that when I get to the car I have to take a minute to catch my breath and let my heart rate slow down. He sees me at my worse.
This week I was supposed to be taking my pain and muscle relaxer to help my headache. I let the pain meds go and have just been taking the muscle relaxer, which after the first 2 or 3 days doesn't make me so rubbery.
So, Bill has been taking all the chores away from me and telling me just to go sit down. Go sit down... Ughhh! Last night I cooked dinner then did dishes. He said he would do the dishes and to go sit down. I told him that I have to do something to feel useful. I can do dishes, I can cook, I can fold clothes and dust the furniture and even vacuum some days.
He needs to let me do what I am able to do, while I am still able to do it.
Bless his heart for wanting to help me and take care of me. But, it's a fine line to walk.

Now back to the beginning of this blog.

Bill was not going to accompany me to Bend at the end of the month. I thought my brother would be there so no big problem. Bill actually said... "I need a break".
Then my brother called and said he couldn't make it. I still thought I could get the hotel to bring in all my O2 equipment (traveling with it is just ridiculous) and just tip them well.
Yesterday afternoon my Pulmonologist's receptionist called and told me they wanted me to come in the 26th to discuss my echo-cardiogram. I thought, alright... that was the day I was leaving, but I could push it back one day.
Then moments later she called back and said that they also wanted to do a Spirometry test too so to not take any meds that day or 12 hours prior to my appointment. Including O2. She said... if it got to where I needed O2 to use it. But try not to.
Then she said... there will be more tests or procedures to follow and we can schedule them while I am there.

So, I haven't called the girls yet.. But this trip for me is called off. The girls said if I couldn't get to them, then they would come to me. We'll see. Depending on the type of tests and procedures... I may not be up for a visit. :(
I was so looking forward to being a "girl about town". I love these little weekend trips. I had a blast when we met my brother in Bend last time and was so looking forward to this.

So, tomorrow I will call and let the girls know I am backing out.

I am looking forward with anticipation getting my thyroid taken care of. I am curious and apprehensive about my echo-cardiogram. I have been curious about having a new Spirometry test. For those of you not familiar... a Spirometry test measures your ability to exhale. It's easier for me to inhale than it is to exhale. Well, equally as hard. My last Spirometry results FEV1 was 41%. That was July 2009. Since then I have had a lot of changes, so I am curiously concerned.

So, it looks like by the end of the month I will have some important answers, or will be on my way to having procedures done that will help me get back to just being a woman on O2.
I miss those days. Who knew I would think of those days without heart/pulse issues, without lumps in my throat the good times. I thought carrying around a cannula would be the deal to end all deals. Not so!

I will be happy to just carrying around oxygen. Never thought I would hear myself utter those words!