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This I know.................

This I know.................

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A conversation I was not ready for

I haven't been made to look back at how I began this journey.  Tonight I went back to the beginning.  To the decisions I made, the divorce that followed, the raw emotion that was a result of it.

It's been 2 years.  I say it quite a bit for one thing or the other... I am "divorced".
I haven't re-lived the shame and huge blow that applying for state health insurance and SSI brought to me.  To qualify for any of that I had to give up everything.  My husband, now my friend, boyfriend, what???  My car and house which I worked and helped pay off is now out of my name.  I have no bank account, I have no possessions.  Well, I do but legally they do not belong to me.

I am like anyone else.  I am proud.  I don't like to be reminded that I am on a "welfare program" such as SSI.  Like I was reminded tonight.  And, the gentleman who put those words out there did so not to shame me, but to show how the system works.  It just caught me so off guard.  I didn't respond properly.  I instead lashed out like a child.

I am not that different from any other smoker who gets emphysema. I did not set out thinking I will smoke for 30+ years and then end my life on oxygen.  Not one of us wants this disease.  There is a lot of guilt that goes along with this.

I wanted to help someone get medications... I ended up making a fool of myself.  I'll be ready for the next conversation or just stay out of it.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

So...you smoked a lot... and you retired early without medical benefits...you still have all the benefits financially of being married (your home, money in the bank, money to go on vacations, upgrade your home, shop, etc.) and also the benefits of the state program for medical benefits...I really don't understand...you've "worked the system" to your benefit...

CliffHancuff said...

Dear Anonymous,
I never cease to be amazed at how true this zen saying is:

"Fish don't know they're in water."

If you had any idea how remarkably uneducated and testosterone powered naive you sound here, you'd slap yourself even sillier than you already are.

Sincerely,
Cliff Hancuff

Bonnie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dear Cliff,
And if you knew what situations I have been in, without a partner, or without lying to the government to seek financial gain or medical benefits, you, too, might be amazed...

Kellie said...

Why is it that people who spew hatred do so behind disguises so they don't have to face anyone. I have lost so much Mr./Mrs. Anonymous you have no idea. Are you saying that because I smoked I deserve this? I worked my ENTIRE life. I paid taxes. I volunteered. I was injured broke disc's in my back so retirement is a strange word. I was unable to "work" for anyone with my injuries so I worked for myself. Still paying business tax, just not into Social Security. My now EX husband owns the home I am living in. He is good to me and takes care of most everything in HIS house. My daughter helps when she can and I am not proud of the fact that I need to ask for help. You are cowardly... come out with a name so I know whom I am being accused. I am not "playing the system". The vacations you speak of are trips to see my brother once a year and visit where my mom's ashes are scattered. Hardly the Ritz. Whom ever you are... (please excuse my language) but SCREW YOU. Go to someone else's blog or get a life and stay out of mine.

Spunkie said...

AMEN Kellie Anonymous must have big problems .. when you have health problems no one except the people who share our problems can begin to understand I had to retire from a wonderful job at Mack Truck after 31 years due to my health and now I draw SS and that is all others with good health retired after 30 years with good health and when on to other employment and saved a nest egg .. all I do is try to make it though the day and spend most of my SS on medication 12 differnt ones .. so believe me I understand and I am 63 I can't think how I would feel with these health issues as bad as yours at your young age. Hugs you did it right you paid your money in for all you get and NEED NOW !!!