Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

A conversation I was not ready for

I haven't been made to look back at how I began this journey.  Tonight I went back to the beginning.  To the decisions I made, the divorce that followed, the raw emotion that was a result of it.

It's been 2 years.  I say it quite a bit for one thing or the other... I am "divorced".
I haven't re-lived the shame and huge blow that applying for state health insurance and SSI brought to me.  To qualify for any of that I had to give up everything.  My husband, now my friend, boyfriend, what???  My car and house which I worked and helped pay off is now out of my name.  I have no bank account, I have no possessions.  Well, I do but legally they do not belong to me.

I am like anyone else.  I am proud.  I don't like to be reminded that I am on a "welfare program" such as SSI.  Like I was reminded tonight.  And, the gentleman who put those words out there did so not to shame me, but to show how the system works.  It just caught me so off guard.  I didn't respond properly.  I instead lashed out like a child.

I am not that different from any other smoker who gets emphysema. I did not set out thinking I will smoke for 30+ years and then end my life on oxygen.  Not one of us wants this disease.  There is a lot of guilt that goes along with this.

I wanted to help someone get medications... I ended up making a fool of myself.  I'll be ready for the next conversation or just stay out of it.


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