Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Saturday, December 31, 2011

Happy 2012, a year of hope?

This is my New Years Eve blog.  So much promise in the New Year. So many uncertainties.  I am sure there will be struggles, success's and failures.  I hope to remain me.  It seems the more my disease progresses the less of me I recognize.

I have a difficult time sometimes talking when they are in another room.  And, repeating myself over and over again is maddening.... I will eventually run out of air or my voice gets raspy really quick.  I am also finding in groups of people trying to talk over the noise I just can't do anymore.  Yelling is out of the question.

I used to be so quiet and easy going and now I find it hard to hold my tongue.  I figure if I need to stand up for myself now is the time.  Those around me aren't used to that.

I am finding that since I have been diagnosed there is more wrong with me.  I know that is because with the diagnoses came insurance for the first time in a long time.  I have had a laundry list of things found, things removed, things being watched, lung issues, heart issues, thyroid issues, breast issues and uterus issues.  I am not sure what will be next?
I was explaining to someone that I can handle my Copd and Emphysema most of the time without too much surprise.  What I am finding impossible is these surprises that need to be dealt with.  Like I told my Primary Care Doctor when she asked me about this fibroid tumor on my uterus.... she asked if it came down to watching it for it's growth or just removing the uterus?  And, I answered I would prefer to remove my uterus because that would be one less thing to worry about returning or getting worse.
It's the small things that get in the way.
I can usually plan events around my Copd.  Yes, I may be having breathing issues, but usually I can go sit and watch a concert, or if the weather is right... go for walks.  I can almost always go to the store and walk around.  I can go visit.  I just pack my oxygen around with me and be wise enough to check to make sure I won't run out before I can get back home.
It's these small things that bring me to a stop.  Even this small cyst I had removed, had me at home a couple days.  Not because I couldn't take the pain, but because of the location.  For men imagine a hole right in the middle of your chest.  Every time your arms move... so does that area, every time you turn... so does your chest.  It just was in a location that is uncomfortable.

I read a nurses posting today... I happen to know this nurse works on a transplant floor.
He wrote....."Happy New Year to all!  Was hoping for a low census day-but alas it is not to be.  I will be spending my New Year's Eve ministering to the unwell, indisposed, unhealthy, diseased, ailing, afflicted and otherwise infirm patrons of the (   ) Medical Center". 

I answered..... "Happy New Year to you. And bless the unwell, indisposed, unhealthy, diseased, ailing, afflicted and otherwise ill patients. Someday I will be one of those."  
I was pissed because it seemed to me he was "one of those nurses" who bitch and moan about their patients.  If that is the case, then I think it's retirement time.  Especially on the transplant ward where the patients need extra care and the families need extra re-assurance.  I have heard him complain before about the families thinking the nurses are hired for them.  

It infuriated me.  One day I will be there.  Now I am rethinking that transplant center for several reasons.  That just locked in my decision.  

I have hope for this year.  I have plans and I think now that Bill has seen a decline even he is on board with doing a few things.  Getting out and doing a little sight seeing, some short distance traveling, some camping (where they have electricity for my concentrator lol), some fishing.  Just doing.  Maybe visiting some family.  All of my family with the exception of my big brother have never seen me with oxygen.  I want the chance to see them before I get where I can't travel anymore.  I don't want our only visit to be in a hospital room.... which for some reason is the way my family works.  We all love each other, but most of us won't travel to see anyone.  That's another blog all together.

Bill has mentioned that he has noticed my decline.  It is almost comforting to know that someone else notices.  That I am not just trying to bow out of life.  I do what I can, go where I can and live the best life I can.  I sometimes feel like I am not trying hard enough.  That I can do more.  I have realized that I have to be careful, because the last 3 times I have pushed myself the worse my breathing gets, and it doesn't recover to where it was.  
The words of my Pulmonologist to Brittney's question about Copd rings in my head sometimes....... She will go along just fine then get a cold or have an exacerbation and will never quite get back to where she was.  Then she will go along again until another event happens.  This year I had several events.  I am hoping 2012 will be kind to me.

Happy New Year everyone.  May we have a Happy and Healthy 2012.

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