Depression and losing weight

So, I had my doctors appointment.  Nothing major to report, except my pain meds were increased.  This pain in my chest is just not leaving. I wish I knew why.  It is not there always, but often enough to say continually.  Does that make sense?

My weight loss this week has gone down the tubes.  When I don't feel good Bill cooks and no matter how many times I tell him I am fine with a chicken breast and a bunch of broccoli he cooks sauces and gravies and bacon and butter.  Of course I am eating it though.

I have not jumped on my trampoline for quite a while, and I have not walked Priscilla in over a week.  If I were a smart woman I would say the lack of exercise is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I look at myself in the mirror and the person looking back disgusts me.  Last winter I gave away most of my "big" clothes, now I am outgrowing my thinning ones.  That also sets the low self esteem in and feeds my depression.
I need to snap out of this.  I just feel so unfulfilled in every part of my life.  Like I am not giving 100% in any of it.  I am pissy with Bill, Britt and Layla for no reason.  I am not following my weight loss program.

Here is a confession.  I look at those on face book who leave these wonderfully alive and exciting status messages and feel like life is passing me by.  I am jealous of those people.  I want to matter.  I am tired of being damaged.  I am tired of being exhausted, I am just tired.

We had Layla this weekend and I am SO tired.  Britt came and got her this afternoon for a birthday party and while they were gone, I slept.  It is getting so difficult to drag myself from bed in the morning, and when I do get up it takes me hours to get moving.

Wednesday I got up in the morning and colored my hair back to brown.  It had so many different highlights in it that it was turning a washed out blonde with black and gray showing through, not a good look.  This suits me and makes me feel more wintery.  lol
We have had snow the last couple days.  Nothing to measure, it just turned the ground white.  I am hoping that next week I can get some Christmas stuff up.  That always cheers me up.

I am going to give myself a few weeks to get my act together and if I don't see changes in my attitude I am going to talk to whatever doctor is on call (my awesome primary care doctor is out now on maternity leave until Feb) about getting an anti-depressant.  I am not sure how that works since I am already on an anti-anxiety drug?

O.K. enough for tonight.  I am going to play around on face book a while and go to bed.