Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Monday, November 7, 2011

Smiles through tears

The fireplace and mantle in the living room

Boxes still to unpack and the Christmas Tree in the dining room

Even the hallway gets a touch with a couple Santa's and Champagne for Christmas morning's mimosas

Yep, even the bathroom has a touch of Christmas

Priscilla in her polar bear / white hippo sweater 
Yesterday Bill brought up all the tubs and boxes of Christmas.  He brought the tree up and got it put together.  Everything was filling the dining room.   Yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to decorate.  I couldn't get in the mood.  I told myself that today I would shampoo carpets then begin getting things out and sometime later this week I would tackle the tree.

So, I began.  When I got to Santa and Mrs. Clause that are animated and an angel I bought for mom that is also animated.... Priscilla put her face on the floor, her butt up in the air and began to bark... then she charged each one, stopping just before impact and growling then backing away and barking and grumbling some more.  It's not only the animation, but she is confused or intrigued or scared of shadows.  Just doing "hand shadows" on the floor or wall will cause her to charge and smash her face into the floor or wall to try and smell whatever it is.  She also chases the beam coming from the flashlight, but that's another story.
So... between the movement of the 3 animated which each has a "candle" (light bulb) in their hand... which causes shadows constantly moving about... she isn't too impressed with Christmas.

She just today figured out she can eat the snow.  Bill bought her a sweater that he says has a polar bear on it.  I say it has a white hippo on it.  Either way, it's pretty cute on her.
She really doesn't mind clothes.  I think she likes them.  The one things I can't seem to convince her to put up with are hats.  She isn't having it.

So............ today was going to be such a good day.  A little decorating, some cleaning.  Giving me a chance to shake this depression thing I have going on.

Britt came over after school just sobbing.  I won't go into details but she started smoking again today.  Went and bought herself a pack and began smoking.  She had nearly 24 hours of non smoking going on.  I was so sure she had it this time.  My heart just shattered into a gazillion pieces.
First I lectured her on how stress is a poor excuse to smoke.  I asked her if it made things better?  Of course it didn't, it just made her feel worse.  Then I told her she can't give in when things get hard.
That people will die, kids will throw fits, she will fight with Fernando, school will seem impossible.  All these things will not be better as a smoker.

Then I shut up.  I told her gently that I love her, and that I will be here for her in anyway she needs.  If it is just someone to listen to or to babysit... whatever it will take to ease her stress for a while.  I want her to get on her feet, get stable and throw those things away.
So.. she set her new quit date for Wednesday, she is bringing her "sister-in-law" with her.  Maybe it will help to have someone do  this with her?

I just ache for her when she is in pain.  This of course made my day tank.  I would never blame Britt for my depression.  That isn't what I meant.  It's just lately it doesn't take much, and her happiness means the world to me.  I hate a world where she feels like a loser in.  She is my strength, she is anything but weak, so this bothered me as much as her.  Of course, I couldn't show it.  I was strong for her.  I tried with everything in me not to preach, or continue to harp.  I just told her my feelings, warned her about excuses and let it go at that.

So, I spent tonight like a little kid having a fit and ate everything wrong.  Bill even went and got milkshakes tonight.  I don't even like ice cream very much and I ate it!
So.... I will not be attending Weight Watchers tomorrow.  I am hoping to spend the week doing a little preaching to myself.  Reminding myself to exercise, to eat the right foods, to take Priscilla for walks even if it's just 20 minutes.  I HAVE to get back on track.  I just feel like I am failing in every area of my life, and the chances of success is getting farther and farther away.

November is always a little difficult anyway.  It will be 3 years that mom will be gone this month.  She passed away a few days before Thanksgiving.  Not only that but going through Christmas boxes and bringing out her things is always melancholy.  Some smiles through tears.

It just is that kind of time for me now I guess.  And, the ridiculous part about it is if someone says.... "How are you doing?"  I respond with the same... "Great, thank you".  I have become an expert at acting.


Anonymous said...

I love your blog so much. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday (fall is my favorite season)--to me, it's just about eating :) with those you connect with--maybe family, if you're lucky that way, or people you love, your "chosen" family. No gifts, with the accompanying expectations; just a meal with thanksgiving and gratitude, to be shared with people you connect with. Both my daughters are going through divorce--my oldest finally escaping an abusive relationship of 14 years. I have her back again, since he isolated her from me for all those years, and my grandsons are still with him...not good for them, but the legal system doesn't mirror morality..and so it goes....I am watching my youngest grandchild tonight, Mia--so beautiful, so precocious, she keeps us all on our toes :) She's the daughter of my youngest child.
I guess I'm rambling, but I loved the latest photo of Priscilla and understand her fear of things she doesn't understand...she is so lucky to be with you...
Time for bed...the baby has been restless and the time change has thrown us all off..your daughter will quit smoking when she's ready...you didn't heed the warning signs from your parents, and nothing you can say will make her "time" be sooner...children don't listen to parents sometimes...I've learning that very well these days...I am still struggling with quitting the nasty nicotine habit--my oldest daughter never smoked (but married a smoker), my youngest daughter quit 3 years ago, when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, but both of them "tolerate" my smoking (American Spirit cigarettes, of course, the "organic" ones :) because I've quit sooooo many times--once for 7 years--and, although they both hate it, they know why I still do it--more an emotional addiction than physical, but it still "hooks" me big time. Hugs, Savannah

Giulia said...

She will be back. Because it will haunt her until she tries again.

Can't wait to see photos of Prissy playing in the snow.