Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wandering Aimlessly

To eat today... 1/2 cup Edamame just as a snack to munch on.  I love them.  They are loaded with fiber and no fat and little calories.  Then I had a cup or so of cherry tomatoes off the vine.  :)  That got me through to dinner, that and water, water, water.
Dinner was Sole (white fish) cherry tomatoes with a sprinkle of fresh parm cheese and a rice salad I made.  Brown rice cooked as package says.  Remove and add 2 teaspoons of sesame seed oil and let cool.  While waiting to cool take frozen peas out and let thaw and chop some green onion.  Throw all together and refrigerate.  The longer it sits the better it is.  Salt to taste... I am off salt right now so I forget to add that.
Anyway... that's dinner.  High fiber, low carb, low calories and fat.... And, water, water, water.  If someone a year ago would have told me I would be eating fish and drinking water all day I would have told them they need to lay off the juice!  LoL

I have had a bad day.  I think I can safely say this is the second one of these I have had in a year.  The first one was just frustration and fear of having emphysema, and this one I think is just a combination of being afraid and not knowing what to expect, and the waiting.  I KNOW and I just am getting started.  I strike out, I cry and basically act like a spoiled child not getting her way.  Three times today my O2 cord has been jerked off my face.  Usually I can just put it back on and smile and continue on.... today I threw it across the room and stormed off.  It is either me sitting down, then when I stand up I step on the tubing and rip it off, or it gets caught under a door or around the couch, or under the refrigerator door and gets ripped from my face... once in a while the poor dogs will get caught up in it, or Bill will step on it.  I HATE IT!!  All it does is remind me how much of a pain I am anymore, how I have "medical supplies" that I need and follow me all over the place all day and all night.  I am getting so out of breath that I am considering taking it into the shower with me.  

I got a lovely note from one of my friends, one of my mom's lifetime friends today with copies of some of mom's recipes and a lot of pictures.  I bawled.  I miss my mom so much, there isn't many days that go by that I don't think of her.  I wish she were here with me.  We both did this to ourselves, she just got away with it for more years than I did.  I wish we would have both smartened up years ago and gave up the smokes so we could be crafting or exploring today.  I watch Brittney smoke and it takes every ounce in me not to scream at her.  I know that won't do any good.  She tells me she will quit in November.  I am going to hold her too it. 
It was a nice surprise today and I need to remember to get a Thank You note out to her.  

Speaking of remembering... The last month I have noticed I am forgetting small things... Big things... just things.  Mostly short term, but forgetting just the same.  Bill said today he has noticed it getting worse.  He thinks it is oxygen deprivation to the brain.  Could it be?  
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon with my Primary Care Doc. I will ask her what her opinion is.  I also have to let her know I have yet to hear from ANYONE regarding my thyroid.  I have to have all medical issues resolved by the time I get to Seattle.  
I have to remember to just BREATH..... B R E A T H. 

I got a call from a woman who I met on a transplant group on face book.  She too is waiting.  Only she is waiting for a double lung transplant.  She's been on the list at the University of Wisconsin for 5 years.  She gave me some good advice and some information.
Tomorrow morning a woman will call me that has had 2 transplants.  I am very interested to talk to her. 

I know this will take the patience of Jobe, something I have none of... especially lately and with this disease I want instant information.  That is just not possible, and I know I am being unreasonable. 
I spend nights while waiting to fall asleep going over having to move to Seattle and what to do about our house, my things, our dogs?  How long will we have to live there?  Should we sell our house and just move and buy something there?  It wouldn't be out of the question I have my brothers in Eastern Washington and it would be nice to be closer to them.  Then I wonder about Britt and Layla.  I haven't been away from Layla for any period of time.  How will I handle being away from my girls?  Will Bill be happy there?  What will he do to keep busy?  If I live out of Oregon will my SSI transfer?  Will Oregon Health Plan (my insurance) still cover me if I am living in Washington?  So many questions and many of these I won't know until I get to Seattle for my first visit.  So... I will continue to lay there at night and wonder.  These are what sleepless nights are made of.

Speaking of sleeping... It seems lately I am asleep more than I am awake.  When I am awake I am tired.  I am sure that is oxygen saturation.  I really need to order an oximeter to find out what my O2 levels are.  It just seems everything costs so much $$. 

I Borrowed my neighbor's water-bath canner.  I have a ton of tomatoes this year and still so many that are green that I hope will ripen.  They are starting to get ahead of me as far as what I can eat, and what will go to waste.  So, I am going tomorrow to buy some canning jars and "put up" some fresh tomatoes.  At least then I will have fresh good tasting tomatoes for soups and casseroles this winter.  I am also going to go back to the nature trail and pick some rose hips.  I found Mom's recipe for the sauce and I will can that as well.  If there are any of the wild plums I will see what I can do.  I don't think I will can those, but will definitely grab some to make plum sauce with... Great for lean pork or even chicken.

Well, as you can see I am all over the place today.  I cannot get one thought to stick, I can't get one mood to hold onto.  Must be time for bed.

First... the girls came over this afternoon.  It was Layla's first day of Kindergarten today.  Here's my beautiful girls.

Layla was so excited and felt like such a big girl.  She said though... grandma there are no blankets at school and so that means no thumb sucking.  LoL  We have been trying to get her to stop sucking her thumb.  Actually no one has worked on it very much, only to tell her Big Girls don't suck their finger.  She does really good until she actually holds her blanket... as soon as she can feel her blanket it's automatic, her finger goes into her mouth.  She goes a full day.  That surprises me.  I thought kindergarten was 1/2 days.  Anyway... She will do great.  Except, WOW there are 35 kids in her class with one teacher.  That is crazy.  What happens to all those school levy's and taxes we pay?  That to me is just unfair to the kids and the poor teacher.  Britt says they rely on parents volunteering.  If that is the case, then the city should give them credit on their taxes.  LoL  When I was little no one would have considered having parents help teach and our taxes were so much less.  What's going on?  Another thing Britt isn't really happy about is their lunches.  Britt said she looked at the months menu and the healthiest choice was one meal of turkey with gravy in a bowl... And that isn't even healthy.  The rest of the menu is pizza, corn dogs, chicken nuggets, french fries, puddings, and chocolate milk.  MY GOD!  No wonder the kids of this generation are getting fat. 
Did any of you see the Jamie Oliver experiment?  When he fought one town somewhere in the Midwest to re-do the school lunch program to fresh healthy foods, instead of frozen, processed foods.  It took a act of congress almost to let him feed kids fresh meat instead of processed chicken and nuggets.  Fresh veggies instead of french fries... the school's idea of a approved healthy veggie was french fries!!!!!!
Anyway... Britt said Layla will most likely have a few lunches at school, but will also be packed a decent lunch to take to school and then drink their chocolate milk!  LOL  Ridiculous.
Ok... I am off subject again, and this time really going to bed.


ana said...

Hi, kelly. I forgot, but are you getting a single or double lung transplant. Did you get tested for alpha 1 antryspin? I think your daughter should get tested for the gene and a ct. scan to be safe, Since she is going to stop smokking. Have a great day.

Kellie said...

Yes, I was tested for Alpha 1 and I don't carry that gene. From what my doctor told me I won't find out about which or how many lungs I will get until after my exam at the transplant center.
You have a great day too.

Giulia said...

Don't feel bad about being all over the place. It just means you have the capacity to free-wheel in life's process. And life's process sure is free-wheeling with us. Personally I go through similar thought processes every other night. And like quitting smoking, every day is a new experience. If we don't keep learning, well - then we succumb, don't we? And you will never do that. Because you're Kellie.

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