Berry's and Sore Lungs

Yesterday I canned plums and made Chinese Plum Sauce. Today I canned Rose Hips and made Rose Hip Catsup (more like BBQ sauce). My feet are so swollen, my back hurts and my lungs are just burning like never before.

There are forest fires burning around us. The slightest smell of smoke and I lock myself in the house and don't go out for anything. Yesterday Bill and I spent 2 hours in the morning picking fruit on the nature trail not realizing what I was breathing in. That air quality is nothing to mess with. Sadly we live in a smallish town that doesn't give air quality on the local news. So, I go out and if I can't see the mountains around town I know to stay in.

I can tell when I am going to suffer lung pain when my back starts to hurt. It always starts there then moves to my lungs. Today even my throat was getting sore.

It seems like it used to take fewer fruit to make more. LoL I swear I should have had pints and pints instead of what piddly amount I did. It's O.K. I enjoyed it and it made me actually feel like I accomplished something, which lately I haven't felt much like.

Layla spent the night last night. She is quite the girl. I just adore her. She sleeps with me ... we gave her her own room with a pretty little daybed and T.V. and her toys... but she always ends up in with me. Lately I have just given in and started her out in there. I go to bed much later than she does, but she always seems to know when I get into bed and hugs me and tells me she loves me. If only I could go to bed like that every night.

She started kindergarten a few weeks ago always tells me all about her outfits. This was her first school picture day. She is just growing up so fast.

I forgot to mention that at my last doctors appointment she said she was going to try and get me a Optometrist's appointment (even though my insurance dropped their vision program) I have a few of my medications that say they can cause vision problems. They called me yesterday and told me that she cleared it with my insurance and my appointment is the 5th of October. I am so looking forward to it. My sight is getting so bad. I use my regular glasses and for somethings like my prescription bottles I also use a magnifying glass. I can tell such a difference in a years time. I can't even read things that are written on the T.V..

I have been working on my attitude the last week. I have just let go of needing control. I have come to the conclusion that as far as my health and medical treatments go.. I have no control, and it doesn't help me worrying about when or if something will happen.

As for Bill and Brittney and I... I think that too is better. Bill still has the burden of doing most of the housework and all the laundry, and taking care of the yard. I used to do it all while he worked, even the yard work. Now I guess it's his turn. Only I am not out earning a living or contributing... I am sitting there most the time watching him. I have tried to take over all the cooking and dishes. When I can I do the dusting and vacuuming. I feel bad for him, and I feel guilty not helping.
That is the next thing I need to work on. Letting go of the guilt and realizing for the time being I can't do these things.

My biggest thing is waisted time. Months go by faster than ever now. And, with each one that passes is a missed opportunity to do something to make memories. They think I am crazy when I say we need to start making memories. But we do. I want to start taking pictures that also include me. For the longest time I stayed away from the camera because I was overweight. Well, that is no longer a reason to be left out of family pictures.

I am trying to make plans for after the transplant. If there is a transplant to be had... still no word on that either. Anyway... with or without a transplant there is that chance that my life will be cut short. I finished my advanced directive all I need to do is send it to my brother for his signature. They want 3 witness's. So.. Bill, Brittney and Greg will be making my final decisions if the need be.
I am writing letters to Britt, Bill and Layla to read after I am gone. I still have my will to do, which annoys me. At one time I had the entire thing written out and saved on my last computer. It had a melt down, I didn't back anything up and I lost everything! So, I need to start over.

I'll pick a day when Bill isn't going to be home. It's actually pretty easy. Brittney and Layla get all of my things. I am leaving it up to Brittney to pick out things for Bills daughters and a couple of my friends.
O.K. My night time meds are kicking in and I am off to bed.