Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I promise to be better

I have talked, I have listened and I am doing better.  Bill and Brittney and I had a long discussion about my behavior, about their expectations and about the reality of what is going on with me.

We all decided to take off the gloves "so to speak" and just be honest with each other.  I had been keeping things from Brittney so I wouldn't worry her or burden that poor child with her mom's problems.  She explained to me that she knows me well enough to know when she asks me how I am doing and I give a half assed "O.K." that I am not being truthful with her.  At the same time I expect her to let me know (the way she used to) when things are upsetting her, because I can also tell when she is upset or going through something.
With Bill I told him I expect him to go to doctor appointments with me and learn what will be happening.  That by him not talking to me about things it is driving us further apart.  And, that also goes for me.  I need to not assume he is not interested because he doesn't ask questions... and just tell him what is worrying me and what is making me afraid.  We both agreed we need to become a married couple again and quit dancing around our problems.

I have tried to warn them that depression is a very real part of Copd, and I have no information to say this, but I can only imagine being told you need a lung transplant can add to that.  I am trying.  I am doing my best.  I just have some days where I am tired of waiting...... And, YES I KNOW, I have just begun.  Like I have said, patience is not one of my strong traits. That will be one of my biggest challenges .... to just let things happen at the pace they are supposed to.  No amount of wishing or bitching on my part will make it happen any sooner. 

I wanted to at least think about starting to pack.  Britt and Bill tell me to try and just relax and do what needs to be done right now for my health.  That if we get the call to be in Seattle whenever Britt and Fernando can come over here and babysit the dogs and pack everything if we need them too.  I have to give up control.  That's not easy. 

I have to realize that Bill worries about me when I leave the house now, so a phone call to him wouldn't kill me.  To remember I can't or shouldn't go on walks by myself.  Just in case.  These things are hard for me.  I have always done things my way.  If I wanted to go see my dad and Bill didn't want to go I would pack up and drive the 12+ hours to get there by myself.  I owned my own business and never answered to anyone. 
So, this is all new territory to me.  I think the only person I have ever felt really compelled to answer to was my mom and only when she would guilt me extra hard.  LOL

As far as my step father and step mother.  If I wanted to be a grown up and considerate I would say... I wish them well.  But evidently I am neither, because I do not wish them well.  I had been working on this family recipe book for months now.  I worked so hard to find pictures of family to fill it.  I am now using cropping to remove Abe from all of the pictures.  This book will be for me and my  brothers and any friends who wish to order one... If they feel like having Abe in pictures is needed then they can add him. 
I don't want to open that book up and see him with my mom and think of how he disrespected her and made their relationship meaningless to me.  I want to remember mom happy and smiling.  It's my book, I can do what I want with it.  Now... tell me that doesn't sound like a small child having a tantrum!  lol

Bill and Layla and I went Berry picking today and it reminded me of this picture and this day.  We lived in Alaska and we were out on a beautiful fall day picking rose hips by the gallons!  LOL  Then mom went home and made batch after batch of rose hip catsup.  I called the Alaska Extension office years later and asked them about the recipe and they sent me a really nice book of wild Alaska Berry's and fruit and recipes to make all kinds of stuff.
So... We picked and picked today.  Bill picked wild plums, and then he and Layla picked black berries while I picked rose hips.  I didn't pick nearly enough so we will go back down Tuesday and pick enough more to make catsup.  Then we'll need to buy canning jars and lids.  I thought I was over this years ago!  LoL  I haven't canned in forever.
Smelling the rose hips took me right back to our house and the smells.  Ahhh It was nice.

Tomorrow morning is my Thyroid biopsy FINALLY!  It's only been 3 or 4 months.  I am of course not looking forward to the procedure, but will be glad to get some answers.
It is just done with a local anesthesia and will only take about an hour.  Once it's finished I can just go.  No lifting or even twisting of my neck.  She said just get into a chair and stay there for the day.  That the thyroid is full of blood vessels and bleeding is always a concern.  So... I will sit.  I hate sitting... but I will sit. 

I am not sure who is reading this anymore.  But, I just wanted to thank my friends.  Those who support me and don't make me feel like I am being a baby or pain in the butt.  Your kindness and friendship mean the world to me. 

11 comments:

ana said...

HI, Kellie, Are you waiting for a (fine needle biopsy) i'm going to ask my encrologist for one. scary, but have to have it. it feels like a golf ball. Hard to swallow. Hope it goes well with you. God bless.

Anonymous said...

I am reading daily. Sometimes I try to post but can't always.

I think you have a great attitude. It's just not easy for the family to understand.
Your mom is beautiful. I see the resemblance.

Linda

Anonymous said...

I found the trick! Google wouldn't take my name so I will be anonymous. LOL

Best of luck tomorrow.

Linda

Anonymous said...

Kellie, you are an amazing woman...you have accomplished so much in this past year--the recipe book will be spectacular! I've been "thinking about" doing one for my family of my most cherished recipes, but I've been "thinking about it" for over a year and haven't done it, and I don't have your physical challenges...I love the photo of your mom, you do resemble her! I'm glad you and your husband and daughter were able to talk about things..communication is the key; I think it is good that Bill finally spoke "his truth"...you have a wonderful husband who truly committed to you "for better or worse"...hope your biopsy goes OK, my daughter had one on her thyroid and she just took it in stride... breathe deep and take that Valium if you need it ♥ Savannah

Giulia said...

Who's reading this? Oh, perhaps far more than you know. You can actually find out how many people are visiting your blog by subscribing to a blog counter. Like blogcounter.com. But I don't find them very interesting. Google 'free blog counters '- you'll find one.

You and your mother look like clones. How lovely. She was beautiful. Something that occurred to me reading the blog before this: and forgive me if it's totally inappropriate or the wrong thing to say to you. But I was thinking, this change in your life is certainly major for you, but it occurred to me that it's also true not only for those with whom you live, but those who know and love you. And not everybody will a) know HOW to respond but b) respond the way YOU think they should. Bill said that more than unkind remark about it's "Your fault that you're in this present position because you smoked and he told you you shouldn't"... he's lashing out at you. And it seems to me he's doing so because HE is hurting too. HIS life has changed in a major way. And so has Britt's and Layla's. Because YOU have changed. And they're scared too. They have to deal with a new type of support system. i.e. the mom, the wife they knew - is now different. Sometimes I think we get so myopic and inward thinking that we forget that we're not the only ones who are having a hard time. Who are trying to learn, who don't understand, who are afraid. Just...a thought. And please, if I've said anything that hurts - I surely don't mean to.

I don't know how you keep your mouth shut when it comes to Britt's smoking. You're one very strong lady. My mother was too. she quit and then got cancer many years later and never said one word to me about smoking. I knew what I was doing wrong to myself. I knew exactly how she thought and loved me. I didn't need her to tell me and badger me. So, you're wise to keep your mouth shut. You are simply a living example of the truth of smoking. And she'll get to that truth when her spiritual evolvement is ready for it.

A prayer going up that your biopsy will be totally uneventful. Glad it's FINALLY happening and you can put THAT to rest at least. God willing.

Giulia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Giulia said...

Geez, blogger is unforgiving sometimes. The posts I deleted were just dupes due to typos.

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