Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Friday, September 17, 2010

Today isn't good

I feel like I am in a downward spiral.  I have hit the bottom, at least the bottom for me.  I don't think I have ever sunk this far.  I feel anger... great anger.  Anger at those around me and destain for myself for feeling like this.  I have never experienced such dread before.  What brought it on the last couple days?  Who knows?  It could be pushing at Bill and getting frustrated he won't do or say the things I need, or it could be just a new bigger depression. 
I hear that my step dad is back together (officially) with my step mom.  Long story... one I don't care to go into right now, but I have such anger.  HUGE AMOUNTS OF ANGER, and sadness for my parents who are both dead.  Neither one of them would approve.  Neither one of them would be O.K. with this. 

Is this what happens when your spouse dies, you just quit thinking about them and honoring their memory?  Because this is not honor.  This is a spit in the face.  I felt sick to my stomach when I read on a face book page how "happy they are together, and it is such a nice ending to their lives".  BULLSHIT!  It is like all the pain and anguish of my youth was for nothing.  When I went to visit my father it was understood that my "other parents" name was not to be mentioned, and the same when I was with my mom.  Even as the years went by and I grew into an adult.  Now they are back together and both my parents have died.  That is honor, that is cherishing a memory.  Anger, that's a good word for being 48 and feeling like my mom and dad never mattered to them. 

It just added to my day.  Bill and I got into a "discussion".  Discussion is a polite word for not quite fighting, but loud arguing and accusing the other of being the reason for all discomfort in the house.

According to Bill, I would not have to worry about any of this if I would have quit smoking when "he asked".  That was almost enough to make me pack a bag and leave.  He brings it up once in a while, this was a below the belt hit though. 
Evidently it's not just Bill who thinks I am being mean or short tempered, he says Britt feels the same way.  So, Britt comes over to bring Layla's things (because Layla is spending the night) and I say.. "so, I hear I am being quite the bitch lately and treating you badly"?  She says, we will talk about it tomorrow when she comes to get Layla.  Which just means I have another day of crying, sobbing and breathlessness ahead of me. 

The last person I would want to hurt is Britt.  I have even tried to keep tests and news from her to sheild her from hurt or unnecessary worrying until I get all the results. 

The thing is... yes I know I am moody.  I tried to explain to Bill I sit awake nights when he goes to bed at 6:30 or 7:00 and think of nothing but what is ahead for us.  All the unkowns... will we have to get an apartment?  Can we afford it?  How long will we be away from home?  Should we just sell our house and relocate?  How long until I even hear anything? 

I just finished yesterday all day filling out my Advanced Directive.  It took me all day.  I thought about each question... Do you want tube feeding and life saving measures if you are unable to speak for yourself and there is little to no hope for recovery? 

This advanced directive I got from the hospital is very specific about anykind of scenario that might come up.  I told Bill tonight when he kept telling me how moody I am and how he feels like he is walking on egg shells around me... First I apologized to him, then I told him this.... After spending about 8 hours (while he was across the street helping a neighbor build a deck) deciding my fate, in every life and death scenario there is... how do I change moods to happy, carefree and agreeable? 
It may be easier for him and Brittney to be judgemental because they are not dealing with this on a daily basis.  I go to bed at night and lay there thinking about surgery, about what happens to those around me if I don't make it, about if I do make it and what will life be like and how long will it be?
Then to have Bill tell me I did this to myself........... YES I DID.  Should I wear a scarlette letter around my neck so everyone knows, yes I am sick... but I somehow deserve this because I did not listen to my husband and quit smoking?  If I never hear that statement again it will be too soon.

Bill has not been to ONE doctors appointment with me.  Britt has been to 3.  She is more likely to realize what I am going through than Bill is because she has heard it from the doctors.  I try and tell Bill and he argues with me. 

I guess I have made this public enough.  Bottom line is I had a crappy week.  I felt terrible, tired, moody, lungs burn, nose bleeds, and irritable because I want to eat comfort food... Cheese, Red meat, Grease. 

I am upset.  I feel like the whole world is against me right now.  I know that is over dramatizing things... but I need to get a grip.  This is not pity, or feeling sorry for myself.  This is actual fear.  It is writing a will.  It is writing letters to file away for Bill, Britt and Layla.  It is preparing for what "could" happen.  That is not being morbid.  It is very real. 
I am hoping that this mood lifts.  I am hoping I can bring back my family.  I really miss them.  Bill is like a stranger who lives in the house with me.  He sleeps with the dogs, me in the guest room because of my tubing and concentrator.  With my moods he leaves and finds things to do elsewhere.  Then comes home and goes to bed.  Britt is busy with her life and her boyfriend and Layla being in school and herself starting back to school. 
It's me who is alone.  I guess I am to blame.

When people tell you enough that you've changed I find it hard to figure out who I am or what I was like before? 
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