It's been a long day

The last couple days for me have been tough.  I am not sure why now?  I thought I had gotten used to the word transplant, even spoke about it to a few friends and my brother without crying or wallowing in self pity.  These last couple days I think the full spectrum of what will happen and what needs to be done hit me.

I got a call this afternoon from the Radiology department at the hospital.  The surgeon who was going to do my biopsy of my Thyroid can't do it now and so a Radiologist will.  I will have it done to only the right nodule on my Thyroid the 20th of this month.  Day surgery, just need someone to drive me home because of the anesthesia they will use.  A local I do believe, maybe a Valium to relax me they said.  She'll call the day before and go over what I am not to do, and from now until then I am supposed to go up to the hospital for blood work.  Fine and dandy, it will be nice to be able to check this off my list of things falling apart on me.

That's how I feel.  Like my body bit by bit is breaking and becoming useless. 

I had my appointment with my Primary Care Doc today.  I adore her.  She was not surprised at my transplant situation.  That is why she pushed to get my pulmonologist appointment pushed up.  She and my pulmonologist decided they cannot fix my heart issue.  It's my lungs causing my heart problems.  Medication will mask the problem, but not fix it. 
Also, my oxygen saturation is at a point where I will need a different kind of concentrator at home, and a larger canister.  I now will need to have one of those tall slim ones that is on a cart to wheel around which means how the hell will I shop or do anything? 
Also, because my saturation is at such a low point she said I could notice problems with coordination.  And, this explains my headaches that won't go away even with meds, and my short term memory loss.

So.... I am becoming an idiot!  I am kidding and making fun of only myself, not others who are going through this.  That wasn't very nice of me... but I am beyond frustrated.  I really feel like damaged goods.  I feel like I can't be left alone, I can't be depended on for simple things.  I forget to take my meds some days.  I forget words when I am doing these blogs, and sometimes it takes minutes.. I mean 5 or 10 minutes to figure out a word.  I can tell you the definition of it, but can't come up with the word.  I will be talking to people and suddenly lose track of my train of thought.  Yes, this has happened once or twice, but it is happening to me almost daily now.  I scold Bill and Brittney when say "I told you" that, or "we just talked about that".... It feels like they aren't listening to me.  Listening... that's another thing my hearing is going.. I can't tolerate over stimulation anymore.  Like having the T.V. going and Bill talking on the phone, and Brittney talking to me.  I just want to scream, and sometimes do... I have Layla trained not to make a lot of noise in the house.
These are things that are new.  I could handle before my shortness of breath, the tightness in my chest, the hoarseness of my voice... But not my ability to hear, remember and write. 
This must be what the beginning stages of Alzheimer's feels like.  TERRIBLE.

OK,  Dinner tonight.
1/2 cup egg whites, 1 ounce pepper jack cheese, 3 slices turkey bacon 1 slice crumbled and 2 eaten, 8 potato slices baked then smashed, onions, red peppers and some cherry tomatoes.
Weight Watcher Point total 12 and water.