Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Monday, July 18, 2011

Looking back to last years blog

I was looking back at last years blog for this time in July. 
I had such hope and promise.  I haven't felt like that in a very long time.  As I take a look inward, it seems I have turned bitter.  I haven't felt joy for a long time.  There are moments, like when I look at Layla's sweet face, or watch Brittney graduate with honors.  But, actual joy not so much.  I am used to this cannula wrapped around my face.  I only get irritated when it gets caught on something or the dog runs across it and it rips off my face.  Other than that I don't actually realize it's on. 

It just seems like there was a positive tone that seems lacking these days. 

This year I had my thyroid surgery, I also had my breast lumpectomy.  Getting those done and out of the way is a big thing.  I don't have to wonder or worry about that, and it's nice to have things get taken care of.

There are those things that have not been dealt with and who could blame my doctor.  I have so many things going wrong all at one time.  She is making a list and dealing with the most important things first.

My Fibromyalgia seems to have been left untreated for the most part.  I don't know though, I forget why I am taking most of these pills so there could be something in there to help ease the pain.  I know my joints just hurt.  This time of year when it gets warm I wake up and walking on my feet is like walking on broken bones.  My knees hurt, my fingers are sore and my hips and back just ache.  I know this is much worse in the warmer weather. 

Of course my breathing seems much more labored now.  Even doing simple things leaves me panting.  I find it harder to go places only because there usually is a lot of walking involved and carrying my O2 tank gets heavy and uncomfortable.  What can I say ... it is progressing.  I have had 4 or 5 trips to the hospital just in the last 4 or 5 months.  Mainly because my chest gets heavy and my breathing is difficult and any time that happens I get sharp pains when I breathe. 

I have worked harder the last 12 months to keep active.  It seems also though I have been trying to lose the same 30 pounds all year.  I am hoping I can find a way to get my focus back.  I know I have talked a lot about it.  I have been my own cheerleader.  I just need to hear my words and trust myself. 

I will give myself a pat on the back as far as keeping to my exercising.  I still have my little trampoline and now Curves.  Of course I haven't been to Curves since last Wednesday, but I will be back soon.  I just need to regain some strength after this Pleurisy thing.  It has really zapped me. 

As for my wanting to get out and about.  Well, that didn't happen.  We did take a trip to Bend for a memorial for mom and a chance for me to spend a few days with my brother.  But there is so much I want to do.  I want to go to the coast for a weekend and walk in the sand.  I want to rent a cabin and go fishing for a week or heck, even a weekend.  I want to take Layla to Disneyland while I can still enjoy it with her.  These things are not very expensive or take a lot of planning. 

I think about the stages of Emphysema some times.  I really don't try and dwell on them.  But, looking back over this year in my blogs I can see a definite progression.  Not much... but worse just the same.  I can see where after 6 or 8 years of this progression how people could just give up and give in.  It really is a daily struggle not only to stay strong and just breathe, but even to keep a somewhat positive outlook and to want to continue fighting this disease.  It is exhausting at times. 

That's why I think keeping some kind of exercise is necessary.  If I stop moving, I will not last long.  The stronger I can keep my "core" the better chance I will have to fight this and stave off the worst of it for a much later date.

I have my follow up doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon.  I will get on here tomorrow night and let you know how it goes. 

Now... Layla is snuggled in my bed, I am going to join her and call it a night.
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