Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I have had better days

I have struggled the last couple days.  Family issues and I used to be able to handle it better than I can now.  Now I get so flustered that I just strike out.  I have opened my mouth when I shouldn't have, and kept quiet when I should have spoken up. 

This is not normal for me.  Normally I can handle this.  It may not always be easy but I have always been able to deal with it. 

This has just left me feeling so alone and down.  Not depression down, just a heavy heart down.  A feeling like even typing my hands are heavy... like I just am getting to the point of no return. 

I am sure this is all so cryptic and I am sorry for that.  I am not going to air dirty laundry again. 

I remember when I first got diagnosed and Bill and I got divorced.  I was convinced things would change.  Everyone told me it takes more than a piece of paper to change things. 

Well, fooled me... it wasn't the divorce that changed things, it was me.  This disease and me.  I have changed.  I no longer can tolerate things.  I can no longer wait for life to come to me.  I speak my mind now.  I let those I love know I do, and what I want for them and their future. 

Bill pretty much thinks that my dieting is useless.  That me working out at Curves is better than me being on a diet and watching my food.  Well, Bill is tired of eating chicken and ground turkey and veggies.  I tell him to go buy his beef or whatever and cook it, but don't push it on me. 
I haven't cooked in a week, since I was in the hospital last Thursday. 
Bill has cooked everyday.  Steak, potatoes, butter, rolls.  That's just an example.  I am being sabotaged by the one I look to the most for support.

This is silly.  I am my own person.  I CAN say no.  I do have the capability to feed myself.  I can push away food, it is not shoved down my throat.  But, it's cooked, and there, and so good.

After these stitches come out and I get back to Curves, I will also start my eating plan again.  Lean meats, veggies, fruits, water. 
I am like watching a slow train wreck... I have the best of intentions to lose weight.  I just seem to have this ability to short stop myself.  I have to find my focus. 

Layla is spending the night tonight.  We had a great afternoon/evening.  She was swimming in the pool and I was throwing weighted rings so she could go down and pick them up.  I wasn't going to get it because of my stitches, but it was warm and she wanted me to play so...I jumped in clothes and all.  We swam for about an hour then came in and I red her some books, we watched silly T.V. and she is out like a light.  I love the child.  She is going through a sassy stage and I am trying to be firm with her when she says smart mouth things or shows attitude that she picked up from her friends.  Tonight I was downstairs doing laundry and she wanted ice cream and I had said no... so at the top of the stairs I hear... "I never get to have anything, jeeze".  So, I hollered for her to come downstairs.  I asked her to sit her bum on the stair and look at me.  I held her little cheeks so she was sure to look at me and I told her "Grandma doesn't put up with smart mouths or disrespectful talk".  Of course she started crying so I had her go sit out on the back deck until she wanted to come back in the house and apologize to me and act like a good little girl. 
Whew!  She just takes it out of me.  I am too old or lack the patience anymore to deal with that. 

Any way, this has not been one of my best weeks.  I am really struggling with breathing, pain in my chest, this incision on my side that is sore, family stuff and being down in the dumps.  I am hoping things get better quickly.

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