Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Chest Pain and Whining

I am sick and tired of being damaged.  I yearn for the days when I could walk around my yard without worrying how long I was without oxygen.  The days when I wouldn't panic if I had a ache or pain.  Today again twice the center of my chest had such a pain it caused me to halt in my tracks.  It took my breath away, and made me grip my chest like someone having a heart attack.  Of course, it's not a heart attack.  I have learned from experience.  I am not sure if it is costrochondritis or not ... what I am certain of is that it is the worst pain I have ever felt.  (maybe child birth would give it a run for the money)

Bill was pissed at me most of the day because he built a railing on our front porch and after he finished it I told him I didn't like it and asked if he could just change it a little?  How could I!! 
So, during my pains... I retired to my bedroom and sat gripping my chest and working on slow breathing and taking pain meds.  Feeling sorry for myself because he wasn't there to help me, and with my stubbornness I would not dare share with him my pain or need for help.

I don't do well with sympathy from strangers, and surely not from Bill when we are fighting.  We really don't even fight.  He just stomps around and I apologize for anything to keep the peace.  And, if by chance I stand my ground then we have an actual fight.  I can't do those anymore... I don't have the stamina or the passion I used to.

This is me being not so bright.......
If I tell Bill or Brittney that I have been having chest pain again they will insist it is because I started Curves.  If not Brittney, then I am sure Bill will.  He was convinced last time that it was because I was using the trampoline. 
So... In order for me to do the things I want to do, I keep this to myself.  I will talk to my Pulmonologist about it or my Cardiologist, I have an appointment with both of them in August. 

As for the pain, it seems to relax with pain meds.  It doesn't go away, it always is there lingering in the background.  With every deep breath it stabs me.  I have even learned how to take short shallow breaths while exercising.  I told you... not too bright am I?  Don't answer that!

I just want my health back.  Smoking took so much from me.  The people who make excuses to continue to smoke irritate me.  Had I quit when I first noticed signs I could have slowed or even stopped this disease from gripping me.  I knew for years that with exertion I would be out of breath.  I knew my cough was getting worse.  I knew that I was sitting on the side lines watching my family do all kinds of things because I was out of breath. 
Guess I showed me! 

Boy, a lot of whining tonight.  Sorry about that.


Genevieve said...

Your not whining your just letting out your feelings. It must be hard on you to deal with everything else plus being in so much pain.
You are a strong woman with strong feelings.
I hope you have a better day today. Thinking of you always!

Kellie said...

Thank you Genevieve. I do try not to be a complainer ... I just have days that I simply feel like screaming. Of course I don't. LoL

Jools said...

You are not saying anything that I havnt thought or said myself. It's all part of the grieving process. We mourn for what once was.