Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A mile high and out of air

I took a friend over the mountain today to Medford and the pass we cross is over a mile high.  I noticed going over that near the top my breathing got labored, but really just thought it was all the talking we were doing ... which also leaves me breathless sometimes.

On the way home also nearing the top it was obvious that I was not getting enough air and even Maria asked me if I was O.K..  As soon as we started getting down off the mountain my breathing got better.

We live at 4200 ft. so it never occurred to me that altitude may have an effect on me.  I guess it does.

Today is Wednesday and I have not been to Curves one day this week.  Something was going on each day that kept me busy.  I have tried to remain active at home.  I am somewhat following a healthy eating plan.  It astonishes me that I am having this hard of time getting back on track.  I somewhere lost my determination.
I know I felt better a few months ago than I do now.  As far as I can tell I have only gained 7 pounds, but it's hard to tell.  I know in April I was still losing about a pound a week.  Then May and June rolled around and I just quit every thing.  And, I have yet to begin again.

I am so disappointed in myself.  I need to find my will and get going again.  I need to set a schedule and follow it everyday.  It will take something like that to get me back into a routine.  Even including Curves and my trampoline.  I know I can do both.  The trampoline just astonishes me that I have lost momentum there.  I struggle now with 5 minutes.  I will eventually push past it... or if not I will do 5 minutes all day.

This talk of transplant again has caused terrible dreams.  Dreams of desperation laying on a table and watching the lungs get taken out of me and the new ones not working.  I never do find out the outcome ... if the new lungs eventually start, or the worse happens. The dream ends with the new lungs failing.
Nice huh?!  I am so afraid of this transplant business.  I guess my fear is coming out in my dreams.
I could do for a nice fantasy dream.

As for my Copd:
My breathing is painful.  I know they say the lungs have no feeling.  My lungs hurt.  I beg to differ with them.  Maybe parts of my chest cavity hurt?  I know the area that my lungs occupy aches.  How's that?  I feel fatigued.  It's like I am always a moment away from a nap.  I force myself to go through the daily motions.  I do my best to exercise and cook.  Some days I can vacuum and dust and do the floors.  Not everyday like I had been used to.  My house is not nearly as tidy as it used to be.  I just can't do it everyday.  It is never dirty, and the dishes are never left undone, and the bathroom is always clean, and the beds are always made.  It just isn't kept up the way I would like.
These things I can let go.  Life is not all about a clean house.  Living isn't hindered by dust or a cobweb that I can't see.

My friend Maria doesn't like to drive places she is unfamiliar with so I offered to drive her today to her doctor.  After her appointment she asked me if I wanted to do some shopping.  Honestly, I had no money this month.  My $$ went towards our drive and overnights stay next month to pick up Priscilla (the English Bulldog).  But, I told her I would love to go look.  We went to Pier 1 Imports and then to lunch at Olive Garden.  The area I knew very well.  Mom and I used to frequent it.  It made me so homesick for her.  I thought of her all day.  Those were our stores and how we would spend days when I would go visit her.  Going to Michael's and Pier 1 and Costco and Harry and Davids and then to lunch and a coffee from our favorite coffee house on the way back to Grants Pass.  God, I miss her!

I know it's been a while since I entered a blog.  I have felt so guilty admitting that I have failed in my weight loss.  Sometimes full disclosure isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I just have to keep reminding myself I am more than what the scale says.  I will try and do better about keeping up.
I will keep posting the darned weight... up, down or the same.
Next week I have a couple appointments I will tell you about.  I have a MRI scheduled to look at my upper back to see if there is any spinal damage or rib damage or anything out of place that may be causing my chest pain.
Also, the day after that I have another appointment with my Cardiologist.  I am going to ask them to either try another heart medication or get me off of the ones I am on.  They put me on them to slow my pulse rate and resting it is still 100+, so to me that means it's not working.

I'll let you know how those go.  Until then I will be back hopefully with news that my bad dreams stopped, that I have lost weight and that I have kept to my diet.  Talk about pressure!  LOL

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