Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Monday, June 6, 2011

My struggle

Tomorrow is my Weight Watcher weigh in.  I didn't go last week.  I was considering not going tomorrow and I will be gone next week to Bend, so I was thinking about just picking back up again in July.  What was I thinking?  I was so close to chucking my weight loss progress and calling it quits!!  So, I will get up tomorrow and I will go weigh in.  I am sure there will be a weight gain.  That is no one's fault but my own. 
That is one of my biggest struggles is when I am feeling fine, I am exercising while eating well.  If I indulge in something it doesn't make that big of difference because I am active and burning calories.  However, when I am not feeling well and just sitting around I don't cut back on my intake.  With weight gain comes depression, and self doubt.  I don't want to fall into that hole again.

Time to "put on my big girl panties" (lol, Brittney says that sometimes...seems to fit here!) and take responsibility for a weight gain and get back on track again.  Warm weather is here and that should make it easier. 

I struggle sometimes with just how honest and personal I can be with this blog.  I will discuss this only because I think it is something everyone with a severe disability struggles with.  Sex. 
I have a difficult time seeing myself as a sexual being anymore.  That is my confession.  When I can go on and not look in a mirror, or forget that there is a cannula around my face I am fine.  I feel feminine and sexual.  When I then look in the mirror or remember my cannula it stops all thoughts of a romantic night.  I find it hard to believe that Bill can overlook the cannula and see me in a sexual way.  He says it doesn't matter and I am still beautiful. 
Is this my hang up alone?  I have kept my cannula off and nearly passed out.  That taught me a lesson.  I am tired of being needy, or even have the suggestion that I may be needy.  I want to be the strong, self sufficient me.  The lover that Bill remembers and not the broken one that shows up now.  Boy ... That says a lot doesn't it?! 
There are probably many many more reasons why someone with emphysema or copd or any disability struggles with their sexuality.  I have bouts of depression which is a real side effect of my disease.  I have weight issues, from years of bad choices and little exercise.  I have real pain, which doesn't show but is there.  I could go on... but I think you get the point. 

I just figured if this is an issue for Bill and I to work out, then I can't be alone?  Can I?  I am finding with the progression of this we are having many issues, Bill and I. 
I am doing my best to get used to turning my chores over to him without guilt.  He now does almost all the laundry.  Well he washes and dries and I help fold and hang up.. but this is something I always have been very picky about.  He is doing all the yard work because I can no longer mow ... I don't have the stamina for it.  All the heavy lifting is his now.  Once in a while I get stubborn and will move the furniture around.  It slides easily on the carpet.  ;)  I just feel like I am not holding up my end of the bargain.  And, that independent evil Kellie comes out and does things she knows she shouldn't. 

There are those moments I am reminded that I have this disease because I would not quit smoking like he repeatedly asked.  I take this reminder badly.  I am weighted down with guilt anyway, and being reminded of why I am like this frankly pisses me off and automatically puts me on the defensive.  It's one of those weak spots a spouse has ... you know the one you know you can go to when you are fighting or you know will sting just the right amount?  Or, is it just my marriage that we carry that weapon?  We actually fight less since my diagnoses.  And when we do, it's always for the same ol tired arguments.

I am looking to the future.  I am hoping for a time when I have finally, once and for all realized this is the new me and accept it.  I go for periods of time just fine and then I just want to SCREAM ... This is not me!!  The me I know was fearless, independent, strong and sure of myself.  I see glimpses of that person once in a while now.  I miss her.
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