A new year ... A new blog ... a new direction

I have absorbed the idea of no surgery and have come to the conclusion that my life will just take a different path. 

I do intend on talking to my Pulmonologist and asking him WHY he told me it was time to select a transplant hospital?  Why he then told me I would need LVRS instead?  Since October or November (heck it might have even been in August or September) I have been preparing myself for a lung surgery of some sort.  So, it's like I have to come up with a new plan now.  I have to tell you I am a little irritated with him for making me stress the last months, making my family think at any minute I may be called to Seattle.  It is a big deal to me.

Since it's the new year, I am going to set new goals for myself.  I "remodeled" my blog to suit me.  It will no longer be about a transplant or a surgical procedure.  It will be about me doing my best to improve my body and soul.  I have some healing to do.  I have been in this very dark place the last months.  I have pushed Bill away.  I have spent nights writing and re-writing my will.  I have focused on the end of my life instead of a new beginning.

It is a new beginning.  I will still be the Copd patient.  I will still have diseased lungs.  I can still count on having more doctors appointments than most, and taking more drugs than most, lugging around an oxygen canister like others don't.  But, I can make things easier.

I can concentrate on my weight loss and exercising.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would be exercising for an hour a day I would have told you ... you're crazy.  If you would have told me that by this summer I could drop 40 or more pounds, I would think you were crazy.

It is realistic.  I have been pushing myself everyday to get 3 sets of 20 minutes of cardio in.  I am not sure if it is the smartest thing to do to my heart right now, but I am doing it.  I am aware of every bite of food now that goes into my mouth, and I document it. 

I am going to be a woman who wears a cannula around her face.  I am always going to have limitations, but I will no longer be waiting for this big scary thing that is looming in my future. 

I know what each day could be now.  Bad days... no going outside, sleeping much more than I should, getting out of breath just getting dressed, forgetting things, getting dizzy standing up.
Good days... getting out and being part of the movement of our town, being one of many in a store, walking with "my ducks" at the park, laughing with Layla, and loving Bill, planning things with Brittney.

I can take control of my weight.  Looking at myself in the mirror and seeing changes makes me want to continue. 

This is a new start.  I have a different attitude.  I will do my best to not dwell on things.  I will try and see me as a thriving woman, rather than used goods.  I just need to redefine "thriving". 

Instead of seeing the labels ... transplant or LVRS ... you will see labels for exercise, weight loss, and as always blog posts will just be daily life, maybe a few recipes in there too.

I am not being unrealistic.  I know I will have moments of depression, that comes with my disease.  But, I am learning to see the onset and get a grasp of it before it gets too far.  I know I will still have times that the frustration peaks and I strike out.  I do my best not too, but if I am being honest that's how it goes.  Sadly Bill seems to get the biggest part of that. 

I began this blog in February of 2010 and I had intended to just document a year.  But to truly get an accurate picture of this illness you have to see the progression.  That is the insidious part of this... is how it slowly almost without seeing it robs you of your existence.  It leaves most house bound, tied to a machine, unable to walk or even shower themselves without assistance.  I have seen the end of this disease.  I have watched both parents die from it.  It's ugly, it is cruel and it can get ahold of anyone who has damaged their lungs.

So... I will continue on with this blog far past the first year. 

I have high expectations of 2011.  I took about all I could take last year.  This year is my year of acceptance.  It's for me learning to live with copd instead of fighting against it.