Ughhhh ... I hate it when I get like this. Everything yesterday and today has brought on tears. Bless Bill and Brittney for trying to take my mind off of things, but as much as I "pretend" in front of them .... right now, I am NOT O.K.. I am sick and tired of being afraid. I can't stand that things have been coming at me on a regular basis with such frequency that I can't get used to the first thing by the time the 3rd, 4th or 5th thing hits. I do my best not to let Bill and Britt know how serious this can be until I get ANY results. And, for some time now I don't have any results, hell ... I haven't even had some of the tests and biopsy's they want me to have. And the latest Hypoxia or Apoxia I didn't even know they thought I had it or needed to be tested. It's just all so frustrating.
I am doing my best to remain positive, but honestly I am having a time not dwelling on WHY ME?? I see my friends going here or traveling there, or going rafting or camping ... And, honestly I am jealous. Then I get pissed at being jealous! I hate those kind of people! I want to be someone who can hold their head up high and not be hateful toward healthy people just because I have a flawed gene pool!
I have read backwards on some of my blogs, and one similar theme is ... "Let me have my pity party for a few days, then I'll get over it and on with living as good of life as I can."
I unloaded on Bill today for no reason. He just was trying to be helpful to me and I yelled. That is so out of character for me. I have no excuses. I just told him to please not take any of this personal, that I just sometimes need to vent and unfortunately for him .. he is always in my radar. I told him after I calmed down that I am doing my best to deal with all this and hold it together and go about every day chores and tasks as though nothing is wrong. But, how many people get illness's thrown at them every 3 months that are life threatening? Until I was 35 I had never even had a broken bone!
I tell Bill to please understand my self esteem is SO low right now. I have this cannula on 24 hours a day. I can no longer wear perfume, earrings or necklaces or rings. I have gained weight and at the moment can't exercise even to keep my muscles from constricting at night. Because of the steroids I am on I am puffy. I am not sure why but my arms, fingers, hands, feet and legs are swollen. I am having trouble even wearing flip-flops I bought a few months ago. My legs and feet are swollen so much the skin is tight and wakes me up at night cramping.
I am even getting cramping in my throat and tongue. My fingers and toes when I try and bend them only bend so far because of the swelling. I am losing coordination and I know it's from being so swollen.
So ... I hope this Echo Cardiogram on Tuesday can show them what the heck is wrong with my heart. Then maybe after that I can get answers about my Thyroid and get back to my normal Copd life. It's pretty sad when I look forward to "just" the effects of Copd! That is my normal now, and I have almost figured out ways to live with it for the time being.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Did you know: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is our longest word. What does it mean? As i live and breathe. This blog will take you through a journey of two women. The first being weak, sick and dying. The second (and my favorite) being born again with a renewed spirit and the receiver of true Divine healing.
Walking into a new and brighter life.
The healthy me
1 comment:
This may help you not at all, since I'm a lot older than you and have full oxygen levels in my body, etc., but I'm sitting here writing this and my thighs are cramping to the extent that I have to stop and stretch them else I'd scream with pain. I've learned a couple of things in the past several months in this extreme heat and humidity, and that is - keep hydrated. (I failed to do so today after major physical exertions outside for two hours straight and am paying for it tonight.) I too have been swollen like a balloon. Don't know the answer to that one yet, but drink fluids and stretch those muscles for the cramping. Before you go to bed, or as I do IN bed, just do leg stretches, or whatever it is that's cramping - stretch it out. A pain in the butt, but worth the few minutes it takes. Truly. And if your drug regimen doesn't preclude it - take magnesium and potassium - that has been a life saver for me.
On another note of your blog - I think when you get sick and tired enough of feeling afraid, you'll put up a blockade against it. We can only take so much emotional stress and then we go into protective mode. Where we need to shut down those particular emotions so that we can function...happily? uh, less unhappily I guess I'd say.
As ever, thank you Kellie for sharing all of you with all of us.
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