Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Monday, May 9, 2011

Not all days are 100%

I can't believe I haven't written in 4 days.  I had a couple really good days.  Followed by the last 2 days being very uncomfortable.  The pain which I usually have in my left lung has gone to my right lung with a vengeance.  With every breath I take in the right side of my upper back and shoulder feels like a dull stabbing pain.  Laying down makes it worse.  Sleeping the lat couple nights have been not so good.  About the only way I get comfortable is to sleep on my side with pillows behind me so my back is supported. 

On one of the sites I visit there was a woman who was newly diagnosed.  She wrote a short blog asking for help quitting smoking.  She was afraid and angry and in tears.  It took me flying backward about 2 years to the day I was diagnosed.  Like certain events that happen in history we will never forget... September 11th ... the Space Shuttle explosion.... and being diagnosed with emphysema/copd. 

I went back and was reading some of my early blogs here.  I could hear the fear in my words, I could feel the frustration of not getting answers fast enough.  God, I remember those days.  Laying in bed at night crying and thinking how Brittney would take losing me now.  I spent so much time dwelling on death that I forgot to live. 

I know I have said it a million times ( O.K. maybe only a handful) but with this disease, as bad as it gets... One really has to get on with living.  I have learned to live through the pain.  There are days when I push myself and have learned that only leads to set backs. 

To live life with this disease I must have patience.  I have to take the bad days as they come then realize I will have to take it slow to get back to where I was.  Sometimes I may never quite get back to where I was.  This little procedure they did on my heart, which I was released the same day ...I have not regained strength I had prior to that.  Of course around that time I had that intestinal bug. 

Tomorrow is another weigh in.  Last week was a 5 pound gain.  This week I will have gained also.  I am not going tomorrow.  Well, I should say that.  I will have to see how I sleep tonight.  I am exhausted. 

I started out the week on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday very well.  Keeping track of all I ate and eating plenty of fruits and veggies.  Friday, Saturday and Sunday were days that I didn't plan my meals, I didn't eat like I should and I ate sugar like crazy.  Today again I am back on track.  I want to get back on a schedule.  Working out in the mornings, eating well 3 times a day and snacking on fruits and nuts.  Not eating at night. 

I'll let you know if I go weigh in tomorrow or not.  I really hate not showing up, but this may be one day it wouldn't kill me to miss. 


Giulia said...

You know I read all your blog posts, just don't post on them all. Sometimes one just doesn't know how to respond. And this may not be necessarily appropriate to this particular post of yours, but this is where I'm putting it. Two weeks ago I got this chest croup, and I was coughing and coughing and coughing,especially last thing and night and first thing in the morning. And all I could think about and have thought about is you. I don't have COPD or emphysema and my lungs hurt and my chest hurt and I was tired. Currently on an antibiotic and it's helping. But it just gave me an inkling of what you must be going through on a much more impactful (is that a word?) level. And it made me more attuned to your struggle, and more appreciative of this gift you share. Sending a heartful of caring.

Kellie said...

I am sorry to hear you've been sick. Disease or not... Having a chest cold is just the worse! I hope you are back to 100% very soon.

You can make up all the words you want. I think I do that almost daily. lol It made perfect sense to me.

I have been struggling a little lately with blogging. I have felt like this was becoming like a complaint window at a departmemt store. Like all I was doing was whinning.

Then I realized, complaint or not, happy and giddy or not... this is my life. I am glad, no, touched by the fact that you are a constant reader of my blogs. I value your friendship and always look forward to your comments. :)