Another doctor

I thought I would catch you up on the doctors appointment I had. 

I went in with a list.  Cysts... sorry even though one or two are in a location that irritates them (under bra strap, and on my hip right next to the muscle) my insurance company will most likely look at them as a cosmetic procedure.  She sent a request any way and will let me know.

Heart issue.  She is concerned and sent a referral to a Cardiologist.  She also along with the request sent an order for a "event monitor".  Unlike an EKG which is done in her office, or the holter monitor which I wore for 24 hours.... This would be hooked up to me and worn for a week or so, and if I felt anything out of the ordinary then I would activate a recording device on the monitor.  That way they can see what my heart is doing. 
I told Bill knowing my luck I will wear the thing and everything will be perfectly normal until I take it off and go without one.

For months now 8 or more my pulse has been 100+ at rest, and can go up with exercise to 180+ .  She said this is not acceptable.  Hoping the cardiologist can come up with something.  She said probably a new heart medication or another increase in the one I am already taking.

As for my weight, she was very happy and encouraged me to keep it up.  Five pounds I had lost since my last visit the beginning of February. 

Yesterday I had a first.... I actually did an HOUR of cardio without stopping.  The hard part was last night getting back on there to get my 2 hours in.  Today we went to Britt's house first thing this morning.  Then Layla and I went to Walmart for an hour or more, so by the time I got home it was 3:30.  I ate dinner, got Layla dinner and did dishes and by the time I got on the trampoline it was already 5:00.  There just is no way I can get my 2 hours in tonight.  I'll work on it tomorrow and see if I can't make up some time. 

I have been diligent this week about eating and exercising and staying within my goals.  Today is an off day.  I didn't exercise like I should have and I didn't follow any good eating habits.  I think this week my late night eating is even under control.  I'll have to go back and look to make sure. 

Isn't it wonderful ... This is one of the side effects of being on O2 and having to watch your oxygen saturation... I forget the smallest of things.  It's frustrating and at times embarrassing.  When I am writing this blog sometimes I will be writing away and suddenly I can't think of the word I want to use.  I have to sit here and concentrate until it comes to me.  Some times I never do think of it and just use a different word.  When I am talking to someone I just blank out and forget what I was talking about... or what I was going to say.  I have talked to other people with Copd and they experience the same thing.

I went shopping yesterday with Bill for stuff for dinner.  I was going to make a recipe that I got off the Paula Deen show.  Crab Casserole.  It sounded dreamy!!  So, while I was standing at the seafood counter at the market, the man (in his 60's I would guess maybe older even) asked me what I wanted as he looked down, I said .. a couple pounds of crab meat please.  As he looked up... the look on his face was shock, then he did the head tilt thing, and then he spoke those words... "Awe you poor thing... so young to be on oxygen!".  I just smiled, took my meat and walked away. 

It's moments like that , that make me wanna stay inside my house.  I do not want pity.  If I wanted to be looked at like that I would let my hair go gray, quit wearing any make up, quit worrying about my hair and if my clothes look alright...and just live out my miserable days at home.
I don't want that though.  I still believe that I can be vital.  Well, some days more than others, but geeze......... I hate that.  I take criticism better than I do pity.
Pity makes me feel used up or damaged. 

It sometimes is hard to pick myself back up again.  Even going to the doctor and hearing I now will add a cardiologist to my team of doctors was hard for me to take.  I want to shout.......... I AM NOT EVEN 50 YEARS OLD YET!  I am not damaged goods!  Sometimes it's easier to believe I am sick.  Some days I just don't want to put on a happy face, or struggle to exercise.  This living takes it out of a person!  LoL  It really is a struggle to walk amongst the masses and feel like I fit in and not stand out. 
It's these days that I am "grumpy" with Bill, and I hope he understands, but I don't think he does.  It's not like this is a secret group with hidden pain that No One will ever understand.  It's just not visible, so I think it's forgotten sometimes by the ones closest to us.  Because I look alright and even with the cannula as a reminder it too becomes invisible if seen day in and day out... so I could be having the hardest time getting air and no one would know it.  Why should they?  It's just that continually having to explain how hard it is... I begin to feel like a whiner or broken record... and even I get tired of myself... so I say I am "O.K.".  How are you you ?  I'm O.K..

In a few months we are having a memorial service where we scattered my moms ashes.  There will be several, many people there who have not seen me on oxygen.  It takes some getting used to.  I remember when both my parents began using it.  Mom just once in a while, and near the end... dad all the time.  I remember it changed how I saw them.  I no longer saw them as my strong parents who could protect me from anything.  I saw them as someone I should take care of, as weaker or frail.  It will be interesting, and all I can hope for is some good breathing weather.