Sorry I stayed away so long from my main blog

It really is true what they say... If you can't say something nice... don't say anything at all. I get really tired of myself and all my health issues. I so badly want the days back when my biggest problem is my hair won't do what I want it to. Which... by the way I still struggle with. And, these days it's those small things that turn a snow ball into an avalanche! As far as my health issues I can usually give myself a few days to pout then push them aside and pretend everything is alright. (I know that's not the healthiest of things to do!)

I have had some breathing struggles. Even with the 24 hours of O2 I have moments where I just can't get a breath that will last me. You know, those deep breaths that hit the bottom of your lungs. The breaths that you take before a sneeze, or after a good work out. Those are just gone to me now. It's like the bottom of my lungs don't exist, which is odd because according to scans it's the upper lungs that are most damaged.

My weight has again become an issue. I went back to Weight Watchers after about a 6/7 week absence, and gained 5 pounds. I am back up to 221, still 5 pounds lighter than I had been, but gaining any back makes me ashamed of myself.
I absolutely know that being overweight to this degree is making breathing more difficult. I absolutely know that I am so dissatisfied with my appearance that I am now avoiding people and places. And, I cannot do that! This is my time to live. This is my time to go places and see people and be in crowded malls. I am SO aware that the time is coming when I will not be going too much at all. That I will have to stay away from crowds because of risk of infection/colds/flu. I understand that I will not be able to walk far, and have to go to only stores that have carts I can cruise around in.
So... This weight has to go. It has become abundantly obvious to me that my outages will be limited in the future, they already are to some extent. So, no matter how comforting the food has become, I have to find something else as comfortable! Not only that, I need to find a way to be comfortable with myself at ANY size or weight! I can not hide myself away and miss what living and adventures I have in my future.

This vanity problem of mine has become an issue I need to deal with quickly. I am so self conscience of my weight, and then add to that a cannula around my face and WOW! It is my worse nightmare. The more weight I gained the more quieter I became, the more I stayed in the background, now add to that the cannula which draws looks and attention and questions and I just feel like everything I once knew is different.



Yesterday was Layla's 5th Birthday and party. She had a great party. She got a lot of wonderful presents and had a lot of friends and family there. I can't believe she is 5 years old! Even though most of the people there were family friends who I have known forever, or kids who now have kids that Britt went to school with... I hid my oxygen and cannula and never used it. For 6 hours I had zero oxygen. Last night I had such a headache when I went to bed. Today I am also paying the price. I am exhausted doing the simplest of things and out of breath talking on the phone to Britt. Sad! Pathetic! Bill didn't realize I hadn't used it at all and was kind of pissy with me when I told him today. He suggested next time we are at a gathering and if I don't want to use it always then for me to keep it in the car and excuse myself or sneak away and go hook up to the cannula for a while.
It really is vain and irresponsible of me to do that to myself. These are lessons I suppose I have to learn the hard way.

My doctors appointment is Tuesday. At my last visit with the Pulmonologist he said the CT Scan showed a growth on my Thyroid that needs to be addressed. So, Tuesday I am sure my primary Doctor will send a referral to someone for a biopsy. Who knows? And, I am not sure I need to be worried about it? Right now I am thinking I won't worry until I find out more information.

So, I probably won't be back to write again until maybe Tuesday night or Wednesday. I hope to make several more recipes soon and get them posted. I am looking around for a good site to make books on, so... If any of you have heard of any good sites holler at me. Thanks! :)