One year (Looking forwards and backwards)

When I wake up in the morning I will be another year older. Face it... 48 is not the END of the road. The road is just getting worn out with more pot holes.

If I had my way I would stop here. I have a feeling the next years will be much different. It is for that reason I am here blogging. I am going to need all the stamina I can get to make it.


Last week the doctor asked me what makes me happy. I had no answer for her. I shrugged my shoulders. That is unacceptable!
Of course I have the typical answers. I do adore my daughter and granddaughter. I do look forward to visits with them. It just seems we are all going through so much right now we don't have that spontaneous joking and laughter that we usually have.


I have had so much change this last year it's hard for me to have a anchor point of stability. I lost my mother, my husband of 27 years and I got a divorce, I quit smoking and was diagnosed with Copd/Emphysema, I gained 40 pounds. Ughhhh... That just is daunting to even write it all down.


I am living one life at home, another life outside the house. At home I am living with my ex husband as though we are still married. It's a long story! Once I walk out my front door alone or with him we are divorced.


It wasn't our first choice, but necessary for me to get medical insurance. I am not sure how you would feel about someone being dishonest to gain benefits? I was not sure how I felt about it actually! I am afraid to tell anyone. Very few people know about it. Our close friends think we are still married, and those we just meet think we are divorced but close. I can't tell my own doctors about it for fear they will need to report me. I am getting SSI benefits. Big deal right... 400.oo per month is not worth anything. What I needed most was to qualify for medical insurance and this was the only way I could get it. I worked my entire adult life as a business owner. We paid employees but never paid ourselves. I didn't pay into social security for years and now when I need the little $$ and benefits it could give me, I didn't qualify. Instead I was given SSI. I honestly don't know how people can live on this. I am sure they can't.
It has been a terrible time for our relationship. We started with a pact that no matter what happened we would ALWAYS be together, that just because we weren't married legally anymore didn't mean squat to us. Well... funny how stress and anger, resentment and depression can play havoc on a relationship. We are struggling to find why we stayed together in the first place.


I have a tremendous amount of guilt with this Emphysema. Both of my parents had it, and you would have thought I knew better than to follow in their footsteps. It honestly scares the crap out of me. I have seen them both struggle for air. I have heard the gurgling sounds coming from my mom in the hospital. I never wanted to be here. I feel like damaged goods. I feel like I have promised my daughter the same pain as I had watching my parents die of this. It's not pretty!


I am getting carried away with my first entry. I just wanted to document on the eve of my 48th Birthday my frame of mind. It is my hope that within a year I will be back here on my 49th and discover I learned something about myself. That I found out I am stronger than I think I am. And hopefully... that I figured out what "makes me happy".
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That was a year ago.  Well, let's see..... 

I can tell you that Bill and I have figured things out.  We still have struggles and adjustments, but every couple does.  I found out I can count on him and that his love really is unconditional.  He has had to step up this last year and take on so much more, and he does it without hesitation or complaining.  I am not sure I could or would do that?  I suppose you don't know.

I also found out that I am much stronger than I gave myself credit for.  I was put through the ringer in 2010 and I made it through.  Not only made it, but I think I am better for it.  I appreciate daily life now.  I appreciate a simple trip to the store.  I found out what makes me happy.  It's family.  It's the simple things like chats with Brittney, or sleep overs with Layla, or lunch with Bill. 

I still have moments of depression, sometimes days, and once in a while even weeks.  But I have figured out how to see the signs and get myself out of it.  Sometimes it's just my lungs getting in the way of life that frustrates me. 

I am still learning to deal with the disease.  It's getting easier.  I put the cannula on now and forget about it for the most part.  I still have moments when I trip over it, or the dogs get tangled up in it, or it gets stuck under the door... and it will RIP off my face.  Those moments I could do without.

I get tired easier and know that now and can plan ahead for busy schedules.  I don't nap... but do sleep 10-12 hours a day, which I would have never done before.  I am not a early riser anymore. 

I have lost 27.8 pounds since August.  I have another 56 to go.  I have started regularly exercising for the first time in my life. 
I began cooking, wrote a cookbook with the help of my mom and her recipes. 

So.. when I wake up I will be 49.  I wonder what 2011 has in store for me?