Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Thursday, February 17, 2011

I am more than a title

It's been a couple days since I blogged, sorry.  It seems by the time I make dinner and help Bill with dishes then watch a show or two... the last place I want to be is here in front of the computer trying to use my brain.

I have been at a loss for words and it's getting worse each month.  Literally... At a Loss for Words!  I will begin typing then stop and concentrate to come up with a word or phrase.  It's very annoying and a little worrisome. 

My oxygen levels are good according to my oxi meter.  I know I went through menopause early so maybe this is a left over side effect of that?  I never really had the "change" talk with my doctor.  The same time I was going through menopause was just prior to my mom passing away and then all the B.S. with her estate, and then my lung diagnoses.  So... the least important thing has been my menstrual cycles. 

Honestly... besides the new things like facial hair, loss of vision, memory issues and mood swings and sleeplessness I barely noticed!  LOL

On one of the Copd groups/sites I belong to a question was asked.... Do you mind the term "Copder"? 
Most said no, they don't mind.
That surprised me.  I think I do mind.  I am so much more than illness or title.  Every person I have come across with Copd has something that distinguishes them from everyone else. 

I know what it is....  Emphysema has a visual that goes with the term.  Unlike when a person says they have cancer... the other person leans their head to the side and says... "I am so sorry".  But tell that same person "I have emphysema" and they say..." HOW LONG DID YOU SMOKE ?"  It is the same thing or look over and over again.  Yes... I smoked!  Yes, I should have stopped way before my symptoms showed... but, guess what?  I didn't.  I like millions of people smoked.  Some people get lucky and don't get this disease, I did. 

When people ask me why I use oxygen and I tell them "I have lung disease."  I am not fooling anyone... but it stops their looks and judgements.  So... No I am not a Copder ... I am Kellie Rice a woman who was unlucky enough to get Emphysema. 

We are all much more than any title the world may give us.  I think that since my diagnoses I have become a much stronger person.  Not physically (however, I am getting there) but my determination has never been this strong.  My attitude changes from time to time.  It is so hard to remain positive with this.  I stand up for myself now and once I realized how precious life is... I am determined to Live each day.  That doesn't mean I am going on cruises or vacations every other week.  But, I do try and see something amazing and good everyday.  

I can't remember how long ago it's been, but I moved into the guest room.  At the time I blamed it on Bill's snoring.  But to be truthful I did it because I had such a cough at night while sleeping I thought moving in there would hide it from him.  Of course it didn't.  I would sit up holding my stomach with a pillow and cough until I gave myself an actual hernia.  Awe... cigarettes!  Anyway... I think it's been about 4 years.  Bill just moved both dogs onto the bed in my spot... which is fine except for when we have company I then have to sleep around the two dogs.  

I mentioned to Bill that it would be nice to have sleep overs ( LoL ) once or twice a week, without the dogs.  I never have been so lonely before.  I miss having him next to me.  Don't get me wrong... Having my own bed, watching my own T.V. shows and reading whenever I want .... Has Been GREAT.  So, we are going to actually start sleeping together again a few times a week.  Who would have thought we would have to get divorced to sleep together again.

As far as the late night eating and the diet... It's going better this week.  Twice now.... once yesterday and then today I exercised and forgot to put on my bodybugg so it didn't capture my cardio.  
Last night Bill and I had some late snacking.. .but it wasn't terrible. Tonight early I ate things I shouldn't.  But it's not bad and I am still keeping my caloric deficit intact.
This week will be a good weigh in, and not one that I have to squint to see.
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