As I live and breathe

When I quit smoking June 4th, 2009 @ 2:30 in the afternoon (it cracks me up that I can remember that date and time, but can't remember anything else all day, everyday! LOL) I joined a wonderful quit smoking site. It was called BecomeAnEx.org
I highly recommed it for anyone wanting to quit smoking. The support I recieved there was AMAZING. I met people there who will forever be my friends. I then joined another site called Friends Helping Friends and there I started a COPD/Emphysema group. It is just a place we can all go and bond. After all this disease is unique. Those who suffer from it all share an experience any one of us would rather not have.
To be breathless is frightening. To know you will eventually die by struggling for air is horrifying! So... Yes... those who struggle with this form a very tight bond.

It is in one of those blogs that one of my friends commented and it was a Duh!! Lightbulb moment. I have been off the deep end, for lack of a more creative name for what is bothering me.
I am STRESSED to my max. I can feel my heart beat out of my chest. I cannot seem to have a calm, normal conversation with my husband, without either bursting into tears, or yelling. I have had my granddaughter here for about 2 weeks. I ADORE her. I have actually found myself being not nice to her (verbally short), which is not like me.
If I keep up like this I will not only have a lung disease, but will be hospitalized with a heart condition.
Anyway.... (god I get sidetracked easily lately! LOL) One of my friends commented that... Like an infection... anger and stress can make you sick, it can make breathing symptoms worse, and can do just as much damage.

I knew that. I know that. Why can't I get a grip? Why are my emotions so close to the surface? Why can't I get happy?

It occured to me that "THESE ARE MY GOOD DAYS. THIS IS MY TIME TO ENJOY". LIFE AND MY ILLNESS WILL ONLY GET WORSE FROM HERE ON OUT, so I had better find a way to enjoy these "good times" before they are gone too soon!

Sooner rather than later... I won't be able to go for my morning walks without oxygen with me. I won't be able to walk around my house "hose free" during the day. I won't be able to go to the store without my oxygen. Not just the oxygen... I won't be able to play with Layla, sing her songs without losing my breath. Read her stories without gasping pauses.

This is my time. These are my months, years to do all I can. Because like it or not, want to admit it or not... I will in a short time be limited. When I want to go visit someone... I will make plans for oxygen to be there ahead of me or take it with me.
If I go to the store, will I be able to walk through? or will I need one of those carts? I can't even imagine what I won't be able to do. I guess I prefer not to think about it.

So... Tomorrow we take Layla back to Brittney. I will come home and do whatever it takes to get my marriage back on track. To lighten up a little where Bill is concerned. To try and get him to understand this lashing out is directed at me, and not him.
Then maybe I can start living what life I have left.