I am learning to be healthy

I have found out that years of watching every thing you do, everything you eat, every place you visit... to finally have freedom takes a while.

I still carry O2 in the car with me just in case.  I really haven't tested myself too hard.  I go grocery shopping, I go to Church and Bible study twice a week.  I volunteer on Saturdays for the Democratic party in town.  I do a little retail therapy with a girlfriend once in a while.  That's been about it.  Probably the most strenuous thing I have done is vacuuming, which I take breaks and sit down to let my heart rate go back down.

I went to my Cardiologist last Tuesday and he said I have made a remarkable recovery.  :-)  I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that.  He even removed one heart medication from my huge list of meds.  This Tuesday I went to my Primary Care Doctor and she said all my "stats" are O.K.,  She was checking my incisions from the surgery and felt 2 lumps in my breast.  She said she thinks they are only cyst's and I will have an ultra-sound next week to look at them.  I am not worried.  I think after everything I went through God wouldn't let this get me down.

Other than that I feel wonderful.  I have bought new clothes and got my hair re-done.  I can wear jewelry for the first time in 3 1/2 years.  I am still losing weight and actually will start Physical Therapy to begin to build back up my core muscles and stamina next Thursday.

I'll blog later with some results.  

Getting used to the new me

I got home yesterday from my post-op appointment with my surgeon.  
First they removed all my stitches and said my wounds are healing nicely.  They said 2 or 3 more weeks and I can swim again and take baths (yeah!!).  They still want me to stay on my pain medication full time and take the next 2 weeks easy.  But, then I can begin to exercise again!

I have an oxymeter which tells me by putting it on my finger what my O2 saturation level is and my heart rate.    Since surgery I have used it often to see if the surgery worked.  Most the time I had really good stats, but as before when I got up and worked a little my heart rate would sore and my O2 level would drop.

The doctors told me to try very hard not to use it.  To listen to my body as to when to slow down, sit down and deep breath, and when I may need a little O2.  That I have to build up my core again and become stronger before I can cut down and come off the O2 while exercising, or activity.

I have to say it is hard for me to live now as a healthy person.  I want to pick up that oxymeter and use it always to tell me when I am O.K. and when I am not.  I have a very hard time trusting myself to be responsible for me.  So, I am still using the oxymeter every so often.  

I will get used to the new health plan.  It has changed 100%.  No O2!  Wow!  For a while I will still carry it with me... just in case.  But, chances are I will not need it.  I can control it myself.  I have to keep telling myself that.  

A hopeful update

It's been a long time since I have blogged.  Shame on me!  There were times I wanted to come here and write, but I did not want to complain, other times I didn't feel well enough to spend time sitting here using my brain to come up with words lost to me.


So much has gone on since I was last here, so this may be a long blog.  Hang in there.... take a break and go for a walk if you get tired of reading!  ;)


I will start with my emphysema which is what started this blog in the first place.  I have had some rough times in the last months.  There is a terrible heavy pain that used to come and go.  Now it stays and I find myself taking pain medication and gritting my teeth through it daily.  (I dislike pain meds very much)  Because my lung function has declined so much now most of the new symptoms are showing up in my heart.  I am now told to use SALT.    For so long I had been dieting and had been told to stay off the salt, so it had been a few years that I wasn't using it.  Now I find out that it will help raise my low blood pressure (68/54) or a little higher most times.  
I was informed today by my Primary Care Dr. that when blood pressure gets that low it is trauma criteria.  Who knew???  When I get really dizzy or my head gets fuzzy I go lay down with pillows under my feet for an hour or so, and it slowly rises.  She told me I should be at the hospital then.  I know the procedure.... I go into the emergency room... they take my vitals, check for blood clots, ex-ray my chest, give me pain meds and after about 4 hours..... send me home.
I also was put on Digoxion and was told today that Monday morning not to take my meds and to go back to the Dr. to get a Digoxion level.  They think they may increase it to get my pulse rate down which still is running above 100 even resting.


My Pulmonologist sent me to Portland to see a CardioThorasic Surgeon about doing a Lung Volume Reduction Surgery.  It took a few weeks to get all the paperwork sent up and then the beginning of June Britt and I went up to the Oregon Health Sciences Medical Center.  The first day I saw the CardioThorasic surgeon and he went over my files and the testing I had done here by my Pulmonologist.  He told us that he hopes that one set of numbers is wrong, because if they aren't wrong then it means I have a lung defect which disqualifies me for LVRS and puts me right into a double lung transplant.
So he scheduled a full day of testing in July that I will go back up for.
Then the 2nd day I saw an OBGYN Dr. concerning my hysterectomy and fibroid tumor that I need removed.  She examined me and said that she would do the surgery, but first wanted me to see a URO-OBGYN, to see about putting a mesh sling in during the hysterectomy.  Having two surgeries at once would put less strain on my heart and lungs.  
I could not get an appointment with her then so I will see her in July when I come back for lung testing and hopefully scheduling this surgery.


The Cardio Dr. told me he was already made aware of this issue and suggested I have that surgery first so I would have time to heal and make sure there are no infections and everything is healed or healing nicely before he would mess with my lungs.


So actually I know nothing new... but I am now at the right hospital and talking to the right surgeons.  I am hoping my next appointments with them will help me get some answers and maybe even take steps toward fixing some of this.

So, I believe I mentioned in my last blog that I had started to go to church again.  I can't remember where I heard it but someone said they had also been a crisis Christian.  Boy I hope I am more than that!
I am a child of God.  I feel his spirit and have been healed.  I still struggle with this however.  God's goodness and forgiveness is sometimes hard to imagine in a world so much in chaos.  Our Associate Pastor ordered a small pocket book written by Dodie Osteen.  It's titled "Healed of Cancer".  
She writes about being diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the liver, and with or without chemo or surgery she would only have a few weeks to live.


She went home and told her husband and they began to pray.  She told her family she didn't want to hear the words cancer or death or sickness in their house.  She asked god for healing and god always gives you what your heart desires.  She read scriptures everyday, even as she felt the symptoms she would keep going... doing house chores, cooking, laundry and taking care of her family.  Continuing to pray and thank the lord for healing and speaking of his healing words which she knew were acting in her body, even on those days she lay in bed unable to get up.  She would push forward the next day.  
Having total faith, never wavering and when she doubted she would first tell the devil to stand away that god had her in his care.


She was sent home to die, but God had a different idea for her.
She was healed 100%.  Her doctors believe it was supernatural healing.    




So I read her book every day and pray the same scriptures that she listed for healing and even though I pray to Jesus for healing and thank him, every once in a while fear and doubt sneak in. 
I wonder why I am worthy?  I am because I turned myself over to God.  
I can say that I feel now so much more at peace and lighter.


My worries are just not there like they used to be.  It caught me off guard at the Dr. this morning to hear words like terminal and 3 to 5 years survival.  I had been all this time knowing that things were getting worse but just not paying attention.  
Now instead of fearing what is ahead, I need to believe the doctors have healing power.  That God promised it to me.  When I have those moments (which are getting fewer and fewer) I rebuke Satin and restore my love and trust to the Lord.
I am doing my best to live the life he wants me to.  After years away it is wonderful to be back and in a church that feels like home.  So, I don't consider myself a crisis Christian.  Just a child of God.


We went over Father's Day back to Bend to meet up with my brother and our cousin.  Every year we meet to have a little memorial and to catch up with each other.
We had a beautiful suite right on the Deschutes River, extra comfy bed and a fireplace. We'll go back there next year.  Everyone was so nice.

These are pictures of the spot where Mom, Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Donna's ashes were spread.  I love this cannon.  It is so peaceful up there!  I am not sure how many more years I will be able to make the climb, but I will go every year as long as possible.

So, after such a long silence...... I will be back to update after my Portland trip.  Sorry to all of those who follow my blog for the long absence.  

A hospital stay

It's been another week or so since I have written.  Let me see, where should I start?


A few day after my last appointment with my Primary Care Dr. I was playing with Priscilla on the floor... on my hands and knees bouncing back and forth on my hands and she would chase them.  I twisted wrong and felt a RIP and then immediately it started to burn.  It was pretty late in the afternoon so I just took some extra pain meds and went to bed.  When I woke up from a terrible nights sleep the next morning it was still burning like fire and I could not stand up straight, so I called her for an appointment.


I got into see her at 3:30 she saw the pain I was in... gave me 2 shots in each "cheek" and sent me to the hospital for a contrast CT scan.  Shortly after I was admitted.  This was Thursday.  For the next 3 days they gave me Dilotid (sp?) and (Demerol) and both made me terribly sick.  I had a terrible headache and was throwing up everywhere.  Finally Saturday afternoon I asked the nurse to get a hold of my Dr. and see if I could be taken off those pain meds and just put back on my normal pain medication (Vicodin).  Finally I began to feel better, I even ate dinner Saturday night, and came home Sunday evening.


I still have pain, she said a torn muscle will take some time to heal.  Of course with every sneeze or cough or sudden movement I want to crawl out of my skin!!  But, I am home and getting back to normal.


I went for my cardiologist appointment and he told me that I am showing signs of A-Fib.... which means suddenly I begin to sweat, feel dizzy and light headed and my blood pressure drops around 75/53.  All I do is for about 45 minutes to an hour I lay down with my feet above my heart and breath.  Eventually my blood pressure comes back up and I feel fine.  He thinks it is my lungs that is causing this.  He says so far my heart is healthy.  It is just reacting to things going on in my heart.


Then I went to my Pulmonologist appointment later that day and he said my sleep lab hadn't changed from 2 years ago, so all is good there.  His Respiratory Therapist told me she had talked to Stanford and they have sent my file to my insurance company for approval and once they have approval they will call me to come down for a evaluation.  


So, I am practicing patience.  I am not dwelling on being sick or having  pain.  I am doing my best to be kind to me every day.  I am still losing weight, however the stay in the hospital with all the fluid they gave me had me gaining 7 pounds.  5 of which I have already lost and I am back on the protein shakes and one meal of 4 ounces of protein with plenty of veggies.


Once again... with any new news I will let you know.

More meds but no word from Stanford yet

It's been a week again.  I am sorry for not keeping up on this better.  It is Spring Break and so we are helping Britt with Layla more.  She exhausts me.  In a good way most days.  She is a only child (more or less... Fernando has a daughter who is hardly ever around) and so she demands attention and doesn't play by herself very well.  So, we read, we color, we watch her cartoons, we play ridiculous singing games.  


I am not sure if I mentioned in my last blog that my blood work came back showing my thyroid levels were normal, but that my iron levels were very low.  
Also, my CT scan for the Thyroid came back good only showing that my right lymph node was enlarged.


So, I went to my Primary Care Dr. yesterday afternoon.  Like every time I have an appointment with her she cracks up at me.  Nothing with me is ever normal.  She cracked up about the "2 week" thing I seem to have going on.  Every doctor, nurse, hospital says I will hear from them in "2 weeks"!    
She increased my iron to twice a day for a month, then I'll have more blood work to see if it is rising.  She found a long acting medication to take the place of Vesicare... I only take it once a day and it is supposed to not have the dry mouth side effect.  I am waiting for my insurance company to approve the new drug.


She examines me and thumps on my forehead, cheeks and feels my throat, looks in my ears, makes me say AWE and tells me I have a severe chronic sinus infection and an infected lymph node on my right side.  Which would explain why my neck hurt.  She still wonders why my throat feels like it is hard to swallow, or my throat is narrowing.  This could have something to do with my infection.
so... I am on anti-biotics (horse pills) for 30 days possibly longer.


Then she asks me about my problem with my Gynecologist?
I told her that I liked him when I had my first visit.  He made me feel comfortable during his exam, and then took probably 30 minutes or more talking to me.... which I greatly appreciated.  Then he scheduled me for the pelvic ultra sound and found the fibroid and enlarged uterus.  But I never heard back from him or his office.  I had to call his office for an explanation and then I didn't hear any news only that he wanted me to go to the Urologist in Medford.  And, even then I had to hear all the results from my Primary Dr..  So, I told her my problem with him is just not hearing back from him and feeling like I have to be a mind reader to find out any information.
And, I told her I feel like he is afraid of me.  I heard from some Dr. (I can't remember who) that he thinks I need to be sent to a much bigger hospital with a good respiratory department to undergo ANY surgery because of my lung damage and the real possibility that I will have problems coming off of a ventilator.


So, she (my Primary Dr.) tells me that she would prefer a surgeon who is cautious and knows that I have a problem being put under for surgery.  That she agrees it would be frustrating not hearing from him or his staff regarding results... follow up appointments or something, but she said she would call him and discuss what is to be done.


I mentioned to her that the more I lose weight and my "middle" shrinks the more the tumor is bothering me and becoming painful.  There is less fat for it to snuggle into and I have this lump that looks like a baby bump!  lol


I have an appointment tomorrow for a Echo cardiogram and then a follow up appointment with my Cardiologist next week.  Also next week I have an appointment with my Pulmonologist to go over the results of my sleep study.  The following week I have an appointment with my Dentist.  Whew.....  Dr.'s Dr.'s Dr.'s!!


Tuesday I made an appointment to get my hair cut.  It needs it so bad.  All this medication is killing it and making it even straighter if that is possible.  Plus it is just dead and dull.  So, I am looking forward to that.  


I will proudly say that I have went from a size 3x or 22 to a size 16 and those fit well, so I might even drop down another size soon.  :)  This makes me very happy.  I needed to be at a lower weight for transplant and I am there.  Of course I am on the high side of alright, so I have room to lose much more.  


Church is continuing to bless me.  My dear friend Kathie gave me a beautiful gift of a Woman's Study Bible, and she put tabs on it for me, so I can actually find what we are studying.  Which reminds me.... my Primary Dr. asked me if I had gotten a hold of a counselor and started counseling?  I said no, but I have started going to church which has helped with my stress and anxiety. 


O.K. ..... I think that catches us up once again.  I will as always keep you updated as I hear anything.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

It's been 8 days since my last blog.  I kept thinking I should blog, but was kind of waiting until I heard any news before I came here to share.
I have been so tired.  I just have to make myself get up to do anything.  I have been taking my nighttime meds and going to bed a couple hours early just to 1: get the day over with.  And, 2: because I am so tired that I have a hard time staying awake.

Last Friday I called my Respiratory Therapist to find out if there had been any news.  Their office was closed, so I left a fairly long message asking if they had heard anything?  Reminding her that she said 2 weeks.  I told her I had called my insurance company which said they have had no requests come through for me at all.  I told her I was trying to be patient but I really needed some news, any news would help.

Monday morning I got a call from her and she explained that my paperwork was sent to the wrong place and she is tracking it down, that I should hear pretty soon.

Yesterday I got a call from Stanford.  The new patient nurse explained my file had somehow been faxed to a different part of the hospital and she just got it.  She told me they would look over it and get in touch with me for a consultation.
I asked her about a Respiratory Rehab Class?  That there was not one within an hour of where I live.  She explained that they overlook that there.  That it is important because it helps patients get in shape and exercise their lungs and for those that need it they lose weight also.
I asked her what the weight on my chart said, and she told me at the weight listed I didn't qualify for surgery there.  She said my chart read 197.  I am not sure how old those charts are, but I told her I am at 185 now and still losing, and have begun to exercise again (even if it's only 5 minutes at a time).  That I have went from a 22 pant size to a 16 and those are beginning to get lose.

She said that made all the difference and now they would be scheduling a 3 day evaluation and tests.  That now they will begin with the financial part.... Meaning they will get in touch with my insurance company.
SHE told me that I should be hearing from them within 2 weeks.

That darned 2 week # kills me!  I think just the fact I have shown that I will continue on with my weight loss and am not a patient that will sit there and not do ALL it takes to qualify helped me.  So, the next 2 weeks I am pushing myself.

My primary care Dr.'s nurse called me last night and told me my blood work (a week ago) showed my Iron level is really low, so I am going to the pharmacy this afternoon and pick it up.  She said I will do fine on it, except it will cause constipation.  Can't the drug companies ever make anything that doesn't cause constipation?  LoL....  No worries, I just upped my laxative's.

This week I have no Dr.'s appointments.  Next week I have a primary care doctor's appointment and a EKG at the hospital and an appointment with my cardiologist.

In the meantime I have enjoyed going to Church every Sunday.  There is a woman there who has helped me with scripture and some homework on growing and trusting the lord.  I took Layla last Sunday to Sunday school and she said she really liked it.  We'll see if she wants to go again this week.

So... there you have it.  A little whining, a little frustration... but I am trying to learn how to let all that go and have Jesus take that on him and away from me.

I will update again as soon as I hear anything.

Still waiting

Just to fill in time waiting I'll fill you in on my daily life these days.

Last night I had another sleep study.  I got there at 8:30 and by 9:30 the tech had me all wired up.  They did the study with me off of O2, which I have to tell you made me very nervous.  The tech told me they would be monitoring my O2 levels and give it as needed.
I woke this morning craving air, not dizzy, not fuzzy... just craving the air getting pushed into my lungs.  He told me I would be hearing from my Dr. and I was home by 6:30.

I went to church again Sunday and there was a different person giving the sermon.  She was amazing.  She got up in front of us and said she had taken notes about what she wanted to talk about, but for some reason Jesus was telling her to go a different way.
So she came in front of me and began.  She said that I should not feel guilty about coming back to Jesus, that he never left me, I just got lost, but found my way back.  That all I have to do is just open my  heart to him and he will take over.
I felt blessed!

I know I am a babe in Christ.  I shouldn't have worry, or fear or doubt... I should trust him that things will happen when they are supposed to. ..... However... I am human and I can't stop dwelling on A Phone Call that I don't know when will come.  Or will it be a letter with a bunch of paperwork for me to fill out?

Will I get down there and find out I don't qualify because I am not yet bad enough for surgical help?

If or when I hear from A doctor I will update.  Until then I plan on hanging out with Layla and Priscilla.

Another update. File on it's way to Stanford

So, life has gone on as usual.  Me going to Dr. appointments and always waiting for answers which seem like they never come when they are promised.

I am just very frustrated.

My last Pulmonology appointment the respiratory therapist told me I should hear from Stanford within 2 weeks of them getting my file.  I even asked again if it would be 2 weeks?  Or should I be more realistic and think about a month or so?  No... she said 2 weeks.  That was on the 4th.  Today is the 9th and she just called this afternoon and told me she just sent my file, so I should hear from them soon.

I have seen the Urologist like everyone wanted me to, and he told me what I have is a large tumor 4-5 pounds pressing on my bladder and has been there growing along with my symptoms for 5 years or so.  It needs to be removed along with my uterus.  To do that and put me on Vesicare my urine leakage problem will be solved.

I went yesterday for blood work at the hospital and today I went in for a contrast CT scan of my thyroid which she described as several small goiters.  Goiters?  Really?  First I had heard of that.  Anyway, who knows what will come from this.

My daughters best friend since grade school (who is like my own daughter) works at a mortuary.  Actually Brittney just went to work there part time in sales to make some $$ while still going to school full time.  Any way, they both came over yesterday and I bought a cremation package from them and bought a plot for Bill and I.

I have written my will and had it notarized.  I have my advanced directive in place and my life insurance policies paid up.

I am remaining positive.  I know it sounds like I am getting everything in order for me not to come home from surgery.  Nope.  I just want to have everything in order so I will have no worries.  I have lost both parents and both times had my step mother and father steal everything from me and my brothers.  My parents weren't prepared at all, had nothing in writing and their wills were a joke.  So... I am just being careful.

I have felt TERRIBLE the last week.  Every since I had that lung infection (I am still on the steroids from then) I have had that pain in my chest terribly.  And, the last 2 days my normally on the high side blood pressure has been really low.  I have cold sweats, then get freezing and then hot.  My hands shake so bad I have to be careful when I pour things so I won't spill.  

Today I actually was relieved to hear my file will be looked at next week at Stanford.  Like I said though I still have no delusions that I will hear from them soon.  If I hear within a month, I will be o.k..  Until you have been the one waiting and waiting to be seen and evaluated and hopefully be made better... you really don't know how exasperating it is and how it takes all your energy just to wait for something that your not even sure what it is.

It's getting to the point where I am taking my meds and going to bed earlier and earlier so I can just get another day past.  Pretty sad isn't it?!  I should be doing all I can to enjoy these last few days prior to surgery.

There are so many unknowns I can't even think about them anymore.  I will get my answers when I get there and have no choice but to be patient until them.  I have to let Bill and Brittney do some of the worrying about our house and dogs.  I want to focus on surgery, therapy, and healing.

As always I will keep you updated.

Stanford and Prayer

So, it's been a while.  I have had a few Dr.'s appointments and gotten some news.  I needed to absorb it before I began to comment on what's happening.

It seems life goes along at a normal pace then for a few days it is a blur.  A blur of fear, sleeplessness, upheaval and doubt.

I think in my last blog I mentioned that my Pulmonologist wanted me to come back in and re-do the Spirometry test they had done 9 days before.  So, last Thursday I went in and re-did their test.  Firstly I had lost 6 pounds in 9 days.  Yeah for me.

My test results showed (confirmed) that my breathing percentage had dropped 32% in 11 months.  They seem to think that was very fast and at that pace I needed to be sent to Stanford to have them take a look at me, especially for Lung Volume Surgery.

My Respiratory Therapist suggested I hold off on all surgeries or procedures and let Stanford deal with those.  She sent me home with the words... you WILL hear from Stanford within 2 weeks.  I even asked her if that was pushing things?  And, she said NO.  Once they receive my file they will want to see me.

In the meantime I had an appointment with my Primary Care Dr. who remember I had asked to be my go-between with all my doctors and procedures they wanted to do on me.  Well, she said that she wanted me to keep all appointments..... even with the Urologist in Medford (which I had cancelled, now tomorrow early I have to call to see if I can still keep my appointment).  She said that the Gynecologist is concerned about my lungs and surgery.  He also wants to get all the results from the Urologist so that if something can be done with my bladder and urine leakage then both things can be fixed in one surgery.  He (the Gynecologist) told her that he had been in contact with my Pulmonologist who said at this point with me he doesn't feel confident putting me under and putting a breathing tube down my throat.  That IF I were to have any surgeries here they would do a spinal and keep me awake monitoring my breathing.

This made my Primary Care Dr. suggest that if this procedure is needed (which it is... I have a 4 lb tumor growing on my uterus), then perhaps it should also be done at Stanford.

So.... I have all this information, but yet I know NOTHING.

I don't know when I will go down there?  I don't know how long I will need to be there?  I have not been through a Pulmonary Rehab Class... and I have been told that is a requirement prior to surgery.  If that is the case I would have to stay down there for the rehab because we do not have one within a hundred miles of me. I am not sure how long those classes are, but I think 5 days a week for at least 2 weeks.

I don't know if my insurance will help pay for traveling expenses.  Stanford is about 7 hours away and I drive a Dodge Durango with a magnum V-8 which is great in the snow, but sucks the gas down like a little kid drinking a slurpy!

I don't know if Bill stays there with me if they will have housing for us, and how much it will cost to stay there?  I don't know while we are gone what will happen to our dogs and house?  I don't know anything and it eats at me.

Oh yeah... speaking of it eating at me..... my Primary Care Dr. (whom I love) says that I DO need counseling.  That the amount of stress I am under right now and not sleeping will make any surgery or procedure harder on me.  So, she is seeking a referral and will have them call me to make an appointment, and has increased my anxiety medication and the dose of what I take to sleep at night.  I am up to 9 pills in the morning, and 1 at noon and 4 at night every day... plus 2 inhalers and my O2 of course.  I spend more time filling my perscription holders than I do doing anything else.

So... when I know anything, I will spread the word.  In the meantime hang in there with me.

Last week I had asked a friend of mine if I could accompany her to church?  She picked me up this morning and I enjoyed myself and left with a feeling that I would be protected.  It was the first time in about 13 years I had been to church and I actually opened myself up to the possibility of Gods love and devotion to me, and mine to him.  Before I had always attended but never felt I was worthy of a relationship with Jesus.  Today was somehow different.  I left feeling like a weight was lifted, I am not as afraid.  I will not lie and say I have no fear, because I do.  But I know I am in Gods hands and I have so many praying for me.

So... This is my update.  So much to take in, yet not much news.  Welcome to my world!  lol

Just Breathe

I have nearly quit feeling sorry for myself.  Why do I feel the need to have these days.... I do not know?  I am beginning to feel more frightened and worried.  I assume this is normal when having your lungs removed from your body is in your future.  The thought of that just seems like death to me.  I don't mean to be graphic but that's the picture in my head.

I did not sleep through the night after hearing the news until Sunday, my mind just would not turn off.  I wondered about leaving Bill and Brittney and how they will get along.  I know Bill will be fine, lonely but fine.  But, I worry so about Brittney because we are so close.  And, Layla too.  She is at the age where she will miss me.  This is all I thought about the next 2 or 3 days. Well, today is Tuesday.  It's been 5 days since my Dr.'s appointment and I am O.K.

I have been reading all the information that was sent home with me and have found out that once approved and listed I need to be ready for surgery.  Makes perfect sense.  My body needs to be free of infection and healed from any surgeries.

Well... I had went to the Gynecologist which referred me to a Urologist to have testing done on why I am leaking urine?  My Urologists appointment was today but I canceled it because of our recent snow and I am sick again.  I have rattling in my lungs and a fever then the chills, and green sputum coming up when I can cough something up.
So... I am back once again on Prednisone and a Z-pack.

I got off track there for a minute.  lol
Back to the Gynecologist and Urologist.... I initially went to the Gynecologist because of leaking urine, he wanted a ultra sound done which found my Uterus is almost double in size and I have a 8.2 cm fibroid tumor that is growing on it.  He talked of a hysterectomy to remove my Uterus and the tumor... but first wanted a Urologist to do a specific test to see about my urine leakage.

Well, when I called the Urologist to reschedule the person on the phone told me I could get in March 5th, but it would not be for the test, just a consultation first then he would schedule the test for a later date.  This could be one to two months down the road... then to send the test back to my Gynecologist, have him look it over and then make an appointment with me to discuss it... then to schedule the surgery either here or in Medford which would be another 1 to two months.  So...
I called my Gyno yesterday and of course I couldn't speak to him, I spoke with his nurse.  I tried to explain to her that YES, I initially came to him for bladder leakage, but now I am willing to live with that and now I need to have the hysterectomy ASAP.
I explained to her about going to Stanford within the next 4 months and prior to going I need ALL surgeries done and to be 100% healed.  That they do not like to do surgeries after transplant because of the anti-rejection medications and the risk of infections.
She kept telling me she would talk to the Dr. and call me back.  Finally she said that the doctor would talk to my Pulmonologist and get back to me.

Today I talked to my Pulmo's nurse (whom I adore) and she said she agreed with me.  That the urine leakage is not convenient but not life threatening, and I could deal with that... but the fibroid tumor growing on an enlarged Uterus is something that needs attention.

So, I called my trusty Primary Doctor and when she called back I explained to her about everything.  She said she would act as my liaison between all my doctors and try and get these things, including my thyroid done quickly and she would get back to me next week.
Whew!!!!!!!

I have decided since talking to a friend who is in North Carolina at Duke University waiting to be listed that I will feel more comfortable with all this after I can get to Stanford and talk to the doctors and staff about what will happen.  There is just so much unknown right now.

I have developed a decent attitude.  I am just throwing my arms up in the air and letting things go as they will.  I have no control now.  I put everything up to my doctors.

I can report that I am still losing weight.  I am down to 190.4  I feel like I am losing more inches than weight.  I am happy with my progress anyway.  I feel confident that I can reach my goal of 175 by June.  Hopefully more.

Well, I am tired, my meds are taken... my eyes are getting droopy and I feel like my eyes look.  More later.

I got the news I have been dreading!

"It gets under your skin, life. ... It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another."
- Terry Pratchet, Hogfather

I found this quote this morning and it seems to fit.

Brittney and I went to my Pulmonologist's appointment yesterday afternoon.  I thought it would be a breathing test called FEV1 and then have the doctor tell me the disease had progressed and come back in 6 months to watch further.  I was dreading hearing that it had progressed, but I knew it.  I have felt it... I just didn't want to hear how much.

I have a entire page of #'s.  I have forgotten what they all mean.  I had forgotten as soon as I left the office.  I walked in damaged but hopeful that I would continue on like this, maybe taking things a little slower.  I left with actual words that scared the hell out of me.

Words like, one bout of pneumonia could kill you.  Without surgery or transplant your days are numbered, maybe a couple years.  

They will be sending my file to Stanford University and are pretty sure that I will be qualified for a surgical procedure there.  

That they will contact me, and if my stats meet their criteria I will go there for a few days of testing, then if the tests meet their standards I will either receive Lung Volume Surgery or a Transplant.  

I asked my doctor "If I were your wife, sister or mother what would your recommendation be?"  I told him transplant just scares me terribly and I would like to use that as a last resort.  That if I had any say in this I would like to do the Lung Volume Reduction Surgery first which would buy me 5 years or so, and then I could be listed for transplant.  He said after transplant he could say the average life span is 10 years.  He said people live longer than that, it will all depend on my body, my heart and how well I handle the anti-rejection medications.  

He also told me that I may want the reduction surgery first, but it will inevitably be Stanford's decision as to which will fit me best.

After the testing yesterday and the news I came home and told Bill and he had little reaction.  I want a reaction from him!  I did tell him that I NEVER want to hear from him again that "I deserve this because I smoked and he tried to tell me." And that "I told you so".  Then he found beer and started drinking so I went to bed at 7:30.  Not so much because I was so tired, but because I had a terrible headache (which I am sure was just stress caused), and I was beginning to have chest pain... which meant an anxiety attack was coming.  I took meds and was asleep by 8:00.  

I have been up since 2:30.  I was tossing most of the night, I couldn't shut my brain off and all I could do was think about surgery, what if I didn't make it through... how would Brittney and Layla take it and handle losing me?  You know the gruesome thinking that comes when faced with mortality!  I hate going to that place... but I can't help it.

My brother called not long after I got home from the doctor and like he knew something was going on he asked how I was doing?  So, after explaining things to him, he suggested I start going to church.  I have never been one to go for organized religion.  I believe in god and was raise in an Episcopal church.  I feel awkward about going now and asking for prayer only because I am  sick.  

I was glad to talk to him.  He said to keep him updated and we would try and move mom's memorial gathering ahead to maybe May if needed.

I can't imagine that Stanford will get back to me that soon.  I expect months.  We'll see.  In the mean time.... I plan to live.  

Like each time I get bad news... I need a few days to absorb this, to feel a little sorry for myself and to panic...... Then I will pull myself up and get on with things.  

Turned 50 and Dr. Appointments

I have been running out of O2 very quickly.  Within an hour the tank is empty, which makes going anywhere a pain.  Today Bill and I took all the empties back and asked what the problem could be.  She told me I am needing more oxygen!  (shit)

So, I moved up on size canister to the C tank.  The next size is the ones that come on a metal hand cart with wheels.  I told her I have to hold off no matter what until after June, because I need to climb a mountain to go visit where my moms ashes are scattered.  Then if necessary I'll go to the bigger tanks.

I have an appointment with my Primary care Dr. tomorrow.  It will be a busy one.  Since she went out on maternity leave.... they found the 8.2 cm cyst on my uterus, I had a cyst removed, I had an emergency room visit.  I think my Thyroid is coming back again.  I feel that same soreness in my throat and am having swallowing issues and cramps in my neck.

I have another appointment for more breathing tests on the 16th, then on the 20th I go to Medford for a horrendous bladder test.  That will determine if my hysterectomy will be performed in Medford or Klamath Falls.

Besides that I need to talk to her about changing anti-depressants or seeing a counselor, or both.

That's my month in a schedule.  I'll trade anyone of you.

My newest turning 50 photo.  I just look tired.

Depression

I have never felt so empty, misunderstood, angry or depressed than the last 3 days.
Yesterday Bill was moping around (it just seems to be a pissing contest over who feels worse... I gave up) and I told him just out of the blue... that I am not happy and asked him if he was?  He looked shocked.  I don't know how he could be surprised.... we hardly speak, he is gone most of the day to god knows where, then comes home... starts drinking then is off to bed by 6:00.

To make a very long a exhausting story short... I told him that I will not live my life like this.  That I take as much responsibility at our failed life as he should, maybe more.  I just don't want to go on like this.  I want to be happy.  To feel loved and safe.  I do not right now, and haven't in a long time.
He didn't have much to say except for it was my fault.  I asked him if he could honestly say he loved me and he never did answer.  He asked me the question and I told him I do at times, but other times I don't even feel like we are friends.  That even roommates would talk more, do more and be kinder to each other.

Yes..... he takes care of the things around the house that I can't.... but honestly I can hire that done.  I do not mean to sound ungrateful because I appreciate everything that he does.  However... there is a price to pay for that, and over the years I have just paid and ignored the fact I was living in a marriage I was not happy in.  Then it got to be habit forming, like a comfortable pair of slippers. Yes, they have holes and flaws, but they always are there to cover you when you need it.

Anyway... I gave in AGAIN this morning and just asked to be loved.  I told him if he couldn't do that to do the right thing and just leave.  The day went on just like every other day.  Him gone, me on the computer, him home with a drink or three and in bed before 7:00.

Then Brittney calls me and tells me I am giving up.  I tried to explain to her that I am not.  There are just some things I can't do. She wanted me to go sledding and I tried to explain I cannot do that with a cannula and hosing around me and my face.  Not to mention being out in the cold and having cold air rush across my face.  She actually got pissy with me and said "Don't say I can't."  Has she not been paying attention to my health????  I GET IT!
I don't give up, and I haven't given in.  I told her that if I were to give in it would be very easy.  I would stay in bed like I feel like doing until 10:00 or 11:00, that I would take naps, I would just sit and not worry about my weight, about getting dressed, about pushing myself to even vacuum my own house.  That just shopping is a OUTING, not just someone running to the store.  She knows all this, she has been to the Pulmonologist with me, and even to the cardiologist.

I am So Above being frustrated at my life that I can no longer hold on alone.  When I see my Primary Care Doctor again at the end of this month or the beginning of Feb. I am asking for a referral to a counselor.  I need to find happiness somehow.  I will never be suicidal, but I can't imagine going on day after day the way I have been.

I love Brittney more than life itself and I don't blame her.  She is trying to do the right thing and push me to do more and keep moving.  It's just right now I feel like if I am pushed I will lose myself.

I went to the Gynecologist yesterday to talk about the results of the ultrasound.  He wants me to see a urologist before anything else is done and go through this certain test.  Well, the only Urologist in Klamath Falls has left, and the nearest town will not take my insurance.  So, he wants me to go to Portland which is about a 8 hour drive from here through the snow and bad weather to have this test.  Then depending on the results either whomever sees me will do surgery on my bladder and then do a hysterectomy or I will be sent home because my bladder problem can't be fixed and he will do the hysterectomy.  Nothing with me is easy.  He said the tumor growing on my enlarged uterus is about the size of a small cantaloupe.  Awesome... remove it and there is weight loss!

I started this P.I.N.K. program and have been doing everything it asks...... except that I eat everything I am not supposed to at night before I go to bed.  Even with that I have lost nearly 5 pounds.  I am trying to be strong and fighting my night cravings.  I'll let you know how that goes.

So... welcomed to my life... wanna run now?

Not for weak tummy's

I decided (I don't know why) that I wanted to keep a picture of the wick and cyst.  I seem to be getting these more and more.  The doctor said some people do, and some don't.  I asked if I wasn't scrubbing hard enough?  He laughed and said no.  For some reason the skin will take a blemish and begin to close over it and then forming a pocket and the blemish becomes like a seed that is encapsuled.  It can stay like that forever and not become a problem, or like me...... everything on my body is turning against me and these become infected and need to be removed.

The wick is the white-sih part sticking out.  My skin around it is burned from the tape.  Today I just put a large bandage over it.  We'll see how that does.

I will blog again later tonight, and I promise it won't be gross!  lol

Injections hurt!

I followed directions and took all the antibiotics for my cyst and went in today for a follow up appointment.

Soon the doctor came in, looked at it and instructed the nurse he would need 4x4's, Lidocaine and 18 ( I think) gauge needles.  He had me take off my shirt and bra and placed white paper over most of my breasts and started injecting Lidocaine in a circle around my cleavage.  I lost count after 14 injections, there were more, but by that time I was trying to remember to breath.  He reminded me that he hadn't heard my O2 interrupter go off in quite some time.  It isn't a good idea to hold ones breath when they  have low oxygen levels anyway.  lol

Finally he began to cut and I felt snipping and pulling and digging.  He said he was leaving a "wick" inside to help it continue to drain.  He then put a pile of 4x4 pads over it and taped it up.  He gave me a paper bag full of pads to bring home in case it kept bleeding.  I thought, how could it bleed through all this?

Well, tonight it is bleeding through.  Not bad yet.... I think I will wait until I change it.  I go see him again in the morning, and I am hoping he can change the bandage.

Here it is as of now...

He tells me that it shouldn't scar badly.  After the Lidocaine wore off this afternoon, my furthest thoughts were scarring!  lol

Layla spent the night tonight and we played some of her games she got for Christmas.  Her and Priscilla went to bed early tonight.

I called Gail (my friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer) and she just had the brain scan today.  She promises to let me know when the get the results.  So far they are talking about 8 weeks of radiation and chemo.  I wish I could go down there but I think I am looking at having my uterus removed in January sometime.

I'll keep you updated on how everything goes.

Not one of my best days

Layla and I played around this morning.  She read me books and did a pretty good job of sounding out some big words.  Then she started to draw Christmas ornaments and write me cards.  They are learning to write by sounding out words so my cards looked something like this...............
Der granmaw I hoop you have a speshl crismus.
P.S you or my life.
Of course this melted me... but I had to tease her for her spelling and had her get me another piece of paper so I could write it out the right way.  pffft.  Why don't I just leave these moments alone?!  I hurt her feelings and she said... Grandma I think it's time for me to go home now.
As it worked out I had just enough time to get her home and get to my appointment at the hospital, then some grocery shopping for Christmas Eve. dinner.

I had my trans vaginal ultra-sound.  She showed me my uterus, then moving the screen 3 times she showed me the enormous tumor growing around it and pushing up on my bladder.  She was showing me the blood supply of it and said because of it's size and because it had so many blood lines, it would most likely mean that my uterus would need to come out.
Then she said what they usually do... of course a doctor will need to read this and get back in touch with you, most likely after Christmas.

I have a feeling a surgery is in my New Years future.
I picked up the antibiotics for the cyst I have in my cleavage and last night and this afternoon I have been keeping a hot pad on it.  All it is doing is making it more sore.

So.... I hope tomorrow's blog is positive and I can just put this out of my mind until the time comes to deal with it.  It is just a surgery.  This is not life or death.  It just is... one more thing.  I feel like a carnival act that grows all these weird things.  Or those ladies you hear about on the T.V. that had a 100 pound growth they found mysteriously.
This is not one of my better nights.  I am going to medicate and go to bed.  More tomorrow.

Just one more thing

Let me catch you up to date now that I have my computer back.  It's nice to have a laptop... but I get so tired of typing and then suddenly having everything disappear.

My primary doctor, I mentioned...went on maternity leave.  She had her baby (a boy) on Thanksgiving.  She won't be back to work until the latter part of January.  In the meantime I had one of her referral appointments with the gynecologist.  It was regarding my bladder leakage and basic pain in that area.  After a lengthy discussion and question and answer period and exam, he scheduled a trans vaginal ultrasound.  It will be this Thursday.  Evidently my Uterus is enlarged and there is a mass growing on it.

He had me bring home what he calls a "hat".  It's use is No Where near the head.  You urinate in it and measure the intake (or is it out-take?).  For 3 days I had to keep track of each time urine leaked, everything I drank, and how much I went to the bathroom.

I was so happy to throw the "hat" away.  I mailed the results to him and I am sure after this Thursday's ultra sound he will call me after Christmas for a follow up.  He did say that if surgery was required he was sure it wouldn't be until after the first of the year.  Which, is just fine with me.

Also, I am not sure if you remember but this summer I had a cyst removed on my shoulder.  I went to the walk-in clinic today with anther one that is infected between my cleavage.  I had my doctor in July try to get permission from my insurance company to remove both of them at the same time and they said no because the chest one was not infected.
It makes no sense to me that they wait until it is inflamed and causing pain before they will remove it.  So, I have antibiotics for a week and then I am supposed to go back if it hasn't drained or went away.  It is hard as a rock and the size of a dime, so I am thinking it's not going anywhere.

See?????  I have so much wrong.  My body at about age 35 decided to turn against me.
I told the nurse today as she was trying to look over my records that I am used to the Copd and Emphysema.  I can handle the oxygen and all the meds.... but it's the little things now that drive me crazy.  It's like one more little tiny thing wrong that just is too much.  She said she had cancer and chemo a few years ago and knows exactly how I feel.  It made me feel better to know I wasn't being a cry baby.

Sorry for my absence

I went to my Pulmonologist today. For a couple weeks I have really struggled getting air in or out. I had already done the antibiotics and prednisone and it didn't work. He said I have been having an acute exacerbation and most likely alveoli are bursting. I am scheduled for more tests and a spirometry test in February. He put me on a new long term drug called Daliresp.  It has some real nasty side effects. 


He told me that from this point out there is little he can do to ease my pain and breathing issues without surgery. So... when things get bad from now on it means a hospital stay, or major pain medication at home. He told me to limit my exertion but to move about as much as possible. I think that was his way of telling me that exercise is out. I'll do what I can in my chair and with weights.

This just was quite a set back for me. Seems like when things begin to go downhill, it goes quickly.
 
All this and I still don't have my computer back.  I am not too adept at using my laptop for blogging.  I will try and do better and keep you updated on how things are going. 
Don't forget about me!  lol

Times, they are a changin

Yesterday was another one of those really difficult breathing days. I just have had too many and with my Primary Care Doctor out until February I had little choice but to call my Pulmomologist.

I spoke with his nurse (whom is SO good to me) and explained that I had been on a week of antibiotics and prednisone.  Usually at least 2 weeks of both so I thought that was noteworthy.  I mentioned that the clinic had taken Ex-Rays and my left lung looked spotted or shadowed or whatever???

I talked to her about a nebulizer.  I had tried one before after a Spirometry test and it didn't seem to do much.  I asked her if I could try one now that I am having big painful breathing issues.

She told me to come on up and she would give me a machine and a breathing treatment there.  So far I have done 3 treatments yesterday and 3 today and I can tell no difference.
She also made an appointment for me Monday to see the Doctor, but told me if this isn't working to call her.  I will do that tomorrow.  I just wanted to give the machine a chance to work.

I tried today to take Layla and Priscilla walking.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking???  I got about 50 steps from the car with Priscilla and stopped, rested and turned around and got back in the car and came home.

Today also I jumped on the trampoline for 10 minutes and used our "shaker" thingy for 10 minutes.

Tonight my chest hurts, my lungs are tight, and I cannot get air in or out.  My medications aren't working and I don't know what to do other than medicate and try and fall asleep.  That is what happens when things get painful.  I medicate and sleep.  Some life huh?!  Sorry, it's just getting very frustrating to try so hard to get into some kind of rhythm only to be knocked down and the only way out is to drug myself.

Yesterday I talked to Bill and told him I didn't want him to judge me..... but..... there are some times when my chest hurts so bad and my breathing is just terrible that instead of taking my anxiety medication, I would just like to go to the hospital.  Even if it means spending 5 or 6 hours in the emergency room.  At least there I am on strong enough I.V. drugs that I have a pain # of about 4 instead of 9 or 10.  Just to have relief for a period of time is such a nice change.
He said he understood.  I try and be tough.  I pride myself in not whining, or complaining about how uncomfortable I am or how much pain I am in.  I always have been like that.  It comes from having two older brothers that used to call me a baby or a girl when I would get hurt and cry... so now I can take a hit like a man.  LOL  So... when I tell Bill I sometimes just want to be hooked up to an I.V. he understands.

I am hoping that there is a reason for this.... the inversion layer, the wood smoke from fireplaces, maybe a virus or infection?  I hope this isn't my new normal... because it really will limit me.

Even walking through the stores (which I never had a problem doing because I was hanging onto a cart) now is work.  Hell, even vacuuming leaves me gasping for air.

It's times like this that I am so pissed at myself for letting my smoking get so out of hand that it left me in this condition.

So... I will hopefully be on tomorrow and let you know what the nurse has to say when I call to tell her the nebulizer is not working and what she has planned next.
Until then.........................

Geese, Bulldogs and Steroids

Wednesday afternoon Bill and I took Priscilla down to feed the geese and ducks.  I was worried that Priscilla would just run at them and scare them off.... or, they would be too afraid because she was there and not want us to feed them.

Well, they came running at us... dog or not.  At first Priscilla was scared then she just stuck her pug nose up in the air and tried to get some kind of scent.  Evidentally she wasn't worried about them and they her.... however... birds and dog got a little pushy about the bread.  Priscilla wanted to eat it as much as they did, so she kind of pushed the bird/dog boundaries.

She started "talking" to Bill when she saw him throw the bread to the ducks.  lol  The "blue panties" is a diaper because she is in heat.  It has liners and can be washed and dried.  She just walks around like a little kid with a full diaper.  LOL

My girl has quite the pose!

I just love that squishy face and body!!

She was shaking her head.  This is best done outside anyway.  If anyone ever saw that movie Turner and Hooch... she gets those "shoe string" drools sometimes.  

A friend of mine after I posted these on my face book page said about this picture... Nice cleavage!  lol  

She is staring down the Geese.  I am surprised they were all so at ease with each other.

For the last 3 or 4 days I have been telling Bill that I just don't feel very good.  Less good than normal shall I say.  My chest has hurt more than usual, my breathing more labored, and when I do cough (which is not very often since I quit smoking) I have green sputum.  So I called my Pulmonologist's nurse who usually goes to the doctor and he calls in a prescription for steroids and antibiotics without me even coming in.... Unless I ask to see him.  Today I called and the nurse tells me he won't be in today.  My primary care doctor who I adore was leaving this afternoon to begin her maternity leave... so I went to the walk in clinic in the same medical center.  They just rotate doctors so all the patient charts are still there... very convenient and smart if your reg doctor is not available.

So... after ex-rays and an exam she tells me that it seems there is fluid in both lungs, more in the left.  Yep... Prednisone and Zpack antibiotics.  This time only for a week, which I found odd.  Maybe she just wanted to get me through the week and let me call my pulmonologist.  Which... I probably will.

I started the new meds today.  Of course a loading dose of steroids... 3 this afternoon, 1 with dinner, then 2 more tonight... and then 5 tomorrow and one less each day after.
I just never have only been on one week before.  Cross your fingers for me that this will work and I won't need more.  Maybe she is onto something here.

I tried today to just come home and lay around, but I can't.  I played online, took a nap, played online, did dishes, played online, at left overs for dinner.  Now I am blogging and thinking of bed.  I just feel spent.
Of course I doubt with the steroids I will sleep much.  Which means the rest of the week will call for naps.  Some people can take this and not experience too many bad side effects.  I find along with the lack of sleep, this makes dieting really hard.  I have no "full" meter when I am on these.  A few times, but rarely do I have swelling... other than my legs.  I get headaches and my anxiety levels are heightened.  A fun week.  Hopefully I will be feeling better and off of the drugs and effects by Thanksgiving and black Friday.

Here is what google says about Prednisone's side effects......

Trade Names: 

Although available in several branded formulations, prednisone is almost universally referred to by its generic name.  Prednisone is available in numerous orally doses. 

  Prednisone is a commonly used corticosteroid medication that is used primarily because of its potent anti-inflammatory effect by suppression of the immune system.  Corticosteroids get their name because the naturally produced steroid structured hormone in this class c called cortisol is produced in the adrenal cortex.  Another name for this class of medications is glucocorticoids.  

One of the major prednisone side effects, elevation of blood glucose levels, is common to this class of medications.  Typical medical problems treated with prednisone include asthma, severe allergic reactions, and autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosis, and polymyalgia rheumatica.

Common Prednisone Side Effects with short term use:

Prednisone causes at least some side effects in a many patients.  

Many patients notice fluid retention often in the ankles, but sometimes all over.  Appetite tends to be increased, and weight gain is common even with short term use.  Anxiety, agitation and nervousness are also common prednisone side effects.  Insomnia can be a common result of these psychological prednisone side effects. 

Elevation of blood sugar is common, often leading to a diagnosis of diabetes in patients not previously known to have diabetes.   Suppression of the immune system is a nearly universal prednisone side effect, and is related directly to its mechanism of use.  This is usually not of clinical significance, but it can lead to delayed wound healing in postoperative patients.  Acid dyspepsis, gastritis and peptic ulcers are occasionally seen as prednisone side effects.

Here is what google says about Prednisone'sLoL  She kind of demands her time.  At least with me.  So... I am really looking forward to spending some time with her.  I asked the doctor if I was contagious and she said no.  So... I can breath on whom ever I want. 

I am going to do my best and be tough and drink lots of fluids, eat lots of soup and veggies and try to have a good weigh in this coming week.  I need a good weigh in, and these steroids could not have come at a worse time.  

I had a good friend tell me her messages are not showing up.  I hope this is a Google issue (I will look into once I feel better), please... trust me... I cherish every message I get... good, bad or otherwise.... so I would never delete any of you... except for rude or cruel messages.  So... Savannah Hun... hang in there with me and I will find out why your messages are not showing up for you.  I checked a couple blogs and your messages are showing up for me.  I will still look into it.  If anyone else seems to have comments disappear, please let me know.

I lean on my friends here as much as I do anywhere else, probably more because here I pour my heart and soul out.  I appreciate each one of the "looks" or "hits" I get, and always hope that someone took something away from my blog that might have helped them, or that they could relate too.

Have a good weekend.