As I live and breathe

When I started this blog a few days ago I promised myself it would not just be a sad medically depressing place to come. I intend it to teach me something along the way. Perhaps a way to live a life of meaning, to find out how to be true to myself and to find my inner grace.

I talk about grace a lot, I know. It's silly how that came about. It all started with body lotion ordered from QVC called Amazing Grace by Philosophy. I don't wanna sound like a sales person..... But OMG that stuff is awesome. LOL
About the "grace" though... On each bottle someone has wrote about a life of grace.

~~ : life is a classroom. we are both student and teacher. each day is a test. and each day we receive a passing or failing grade in one particular subject: grace. grace is compassion, gratitude, surrender, faith, forgiveness, good manners, reverence, and the list goes on. it's something money can't buy and credentials rarely produce. being the richest, or even the poorest, can't help. being a humble person can and being a helpful person can guide you through your days with grace and gratitude.~~

I don't know why that touched me so, but it really did. It is my new goal. It is how I want to learn to live my life.

I'll keep this part breif... but when you are faced with mortality you begin to reflect on your life and how you want to be remembered. It isn't morbid or sad... it is human nature to want to be remembered in the best light. To know you left this earth richer for your being part of it.

Bill and I drove Layla to Oakridge today and met Britt there for lunch. I love that drive. Oregon is beautiful and it does me good to be out in it. The Willamette Pass is one of my favorite places. It is like driving through wonderland in spots. The big old trees hanging over the road, mossy covered branches that look like they are in a lush green velvet. There is a beautiful river than runs along the road in spots that is so peaceful.
I enjoyed the drive so much and relaxed for the first time since I don't know when. After we dropped Layla off Bill and I actually had a really nice drive home. We didn't talk about anything serious, and that was nice... for the first time since I can't remember it was just comfortable being quiet with him.
It made me hopeful that we can get past this and be alright.

My next move... I still have not been open with my friends and some family about being sick. I am worried more about my friends. There is a icky stigma that comes with the word Emphysema. I just want to be me and not "the friend with the oxygen tube" stuck in her nose. I know part of that is paranoia on my part... but I am not yet 50 years old. Most of my friends are still very young and active and I am not sure if they could possibly relate to anything I am experiencing or going through. I know I should give them a chance, but once they know I can no longer hide behind the idea I am O.K..

I'll work on it.

I had a good day and that's what I am holding on to!