As I live and breathe

Not long after I was diagnosed my doctor suggested I find a support group. Of course the little town I live in didn't have one and I wasn't going to drive over a mountain pass 2 hours to attend... so I looked around online. I found this site. I was so overwhelmed by the stories and the support system there that I just go there and read other peoples struggles and tryumphs. Everytime I go back I am so humbled by these amazing people and all they are going through. http://daytodaywcopd.proboards.com



This is the place to be if you are nearing transplant stages of this disease. There is so much great information there. Actually even if you are newly diagnosed this would be the place to go. I am somewhat embarrassed to say I am like a voyere there. It's like peaking into my future, so I squint. Sound silly? These people are facing lung failure and heart issues and do so with such strength and compassion for each other... it is amazing.
When I have days that I am feeling sorry for myself I wander over there and do some reading. I always leave stronger and more grateful for what I still have.

This may sound funny, odd or whatever.... but.. I am trying everyday to remember things will get worse. Not that I mean to dwell on that fact... but to realize I have to appreciate what I have now. To be grateful for each thing I CAN DO, and not dwell on what I can't. That looks easier than it really is.
I have been having this really tight feeling in my left lung. Like someone has a hold of it and is squeezing. It can be pretty painful at times. Each time I just do my best to relax and eventually it gets a little better, it hasn't went away, but gets to a point where it is tolerable. So... When this happens I remind myself... It may be uncomfortable... but I am still walking around, I am still able to walk through the stores, I can still do most housework... There is still A LOT I CAN DO. So... these things that get in my way I can still live with, and I can accept that.

The last 3 days I have felt lighter and free-er than since I can't remember when. Things are getting better for my daughter, and just that fact is a huge weight lifted. But it's more than that............. I think I finally get it.
I have a choice... I can feel sorry for myself, I can dwell on all things icky... or I can live. I can make plans. I can start a project. I can be me again. Only this me is one who understands how precious every breath is and it makes good days sweeter!

I hope this blog can reach the people I intended it too. I hope that somehow my walking through my life wide open will shine a light on what someone else may be dealing with.