As I live and breathe

I am not sure what the deal is lately. It seems like I can't recognize any signs of my previous life lately. It started with my diagnoses in June and it's just gotten worse.

I know I talk about Bill like we are still married. And, for what it is worth... I feel we are. A piece of paper doesn't mean we still don't care for each other, and that we haven't shared and experienced everything with each other for 27 years. It just simply means that we had to divorce so I could get medical coverage.
I am so angry because of that.

I will have to write another blog to talk about Americans without affordable health care, and insurance companies charging outrageous prices and penalties for pre-existing conditions.
For now... I'll get back to the topic.
Since the divorce and since my diagnoses things have gotten just terrible between Bill and I. Once in a while he will write me a note, buy me a thoughtful card, and even has written a couple poems.... But... things ARE different, and the longer they continue this way I am afraid we will never be able to get back to the happiness we once had.
I know a good portion of it is me. Even Brittney tells me I have changed. I don't know how to feel about that? Of course I have changed! I have been given a life expectancy from doctors of about 10 years (with good results and care). My body and breathing are changing monthly now it seems. I have such anger at myself that I can't seem to find a way to let go. Anger because I did this to me. Anger and resentment because I think Bill also blames me and can't let go of that. I guess it's O.K. for me to not forgive myself, but I don't think it's O.K. for Bill. Double standards shouldn't apply, but I am being honest.... I can't help it!

I told him today that we need to be able to talk about the changes I am going through and me being sick. He says... "if I don't talk about it, it hasn't happened". He is a smart guy... He knows better. Not only do we not discuss my extreme breathing as I call it, we don't talk about the oxygen, the pills, the inhalers, the doctor trips, my not being able to walk more than minutes at a time without resting.

I feel like I am doing this all alone. When I come home from doctor visits... he doesn't ask questions. When I go for tests, he doesn't ask results. I am afraid. I am scared of what is to come. I talk to friends online at least once a week sometimes more about what is happening to me, but my own husband who I see daily asks nothing, and doesn't want to talk about it if I bring it up. I get so mad. I have HUGE anger. I am like a toddler needing to "act out" to get attention. The only way we have discussions is if I get mad.
Then I can't talk long anyway, because now it seems when I get anxious, or nervous, or worked up... I get out of breath. I can't raise my voice for extended periods of time because my chest tightens up so much I can't breath.

We are under a tremendous amount of stress. Not only with me and my medical issues, but are worrying about Brittney and her health. She is going through terrible times at work and to top it off a week ago she was in a accident. She had just dropped Layla off here and was heading home to deal with her work issues and a car ran a light and she T-Boned it doing 50 mph. She is terribly bruised, and sore. Her car was totaled.
I think the Union Attorney is filing a Tort Claim (not sure what that is or means)on her behalf tomorrow for her job. It is just very stressful, and having Layla here doesn't help Bill and my problems.
We are just avoiding contact mostly. He has been going to bed at 7:00 every night. Even when Layla isn't here he does that though.

My doctor told me my last visit if I can't get my blood pressure under control then starting in March I will need to start high blood pressure medication. She also suggested that I start anti-depressants. I told her to let me try and fix myself. To give me a month to see what I can do.

HA HA HA
I can tell you so far I haven't fixed myself and possibly things have just gotten worse. We are taking Layla back to Britt on Saturday and I am hoping I can somehow manage to begin healing things with Bill. I know that will help 80% of my stress and fear and anger issues.
I'll let you know how things go.