As I live and breathe

Happy Valentines Day

After our lovely drive home yesterday Bill and I seem more relaxed with each other than we have been in a long time. For over a year now almost monthly something tragic has happened... Either a death, one of our kids have had issues, health issues, surgeries... you name it, it seems we have been through it. It has taken a toll.

We are both now aware that there needs to be attention paid to our relationship. That is no small feat for us. We have never had to work on our relationship in 27 years. It just always took care of it's self.

He admits he is scared to death of my disease. He isn't sure what his place is, especially where the doctors are concerned. I am going to have to talk to my doctors and in some way explain that Bill and I may be divorced, but we remain close and he takes care of me. With this divorce we are not sure who should know what.
He wants to be a part of my medical experience. I think it would be good for him. It is hard enough for me to grasp what my future holds, I am sure for someone who is not living it... it would be impossible to understand.

It is hard to get used to not being able to do the simplest of things I once could. For instance, I can no longer climb stairs to do laundry, and there is no way to move the washer/dryer upstairs... so Bill has been doing all our laundry. Think about that ladies... I was once picky as to how I did laundry. Now... if jeans are washed and dried with my bras and nice shirts... I just grit my teeth and smile.

I used to be such a freak about having a clean house. Now I get so out of breath vacuuming that it isn't done as often as needed. I don't dust as frequently as I used to.

I can't do yard work like I once loved doing. Mowing the yard is totally out of the question. Even planting can be a little much. I drag hoses around to water the yard and gasp for air.

If it is too hot, I don't go out. If it is too cold... I stay inside.

Small things like not being able to use bathroom air freshener is annoying. I had to ask Bill to quit using his Cologne (Aramis) because the smell was too strong. I had to quit using all my favorite perfumes because the smell was bothering me. Lotions the same thing. Even smelling bacon cooking sometimes takes my breath away.

These are things that over the last 9 months I have had to learn to give up. They may seem small, but these small things add up. It's like I have to learn how to be a different person.

If I have a learning curve... I didn't think about how odd it must be for Bill. How much more he is needing to do for me.

You know I talk about life expectancy. I want it understood I have not "marked the calendar" or anything like that. It was meant to give me a realistic guide as to how serious this is, and what I might be able to expect. There are many variables to that. The number of colds and flu and infections I experience. The number of exacerbation's due to pollutants... such as forest fire smoke, smog, inversion layers during the winter or even household cleaning products perfumes. Each time my lungs are damaged now it just hastens the damage.
Unfortunately, once damaged, lungs do not regenerate and to date there is no cure for Copd/Emphysema.

I am not sure who reminded me, but stress is as damaging as any infection. In order for my lungs to remain strong the rest of me needs to stay healthy as well.

I have made a decision that I am going to call my primary care doctor (who I adore by the way) and set an appointment to talk about anti-depressants. The thought of them makes me feel like I am somehow not taking responsibility for getting to this point, or that it makes me weak. I know that many people use them successfully. I was hoping I could do this on my own, but I feel like there are so many other battles I need to deal with, I will give in and ask for help here.

This journey has so far taught me that ... When I least expected it I found strength, and found out it's O.K. to need help.