Weigh in

I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I need to get better.  I need to quit repeating myself over and over again in my blogs.  I am getting sick of myself.

My weigh in today was .2 pounds I gained.  Remember, I did not go last week so considering my total lack of trying that is not bad.

It is by no means acceptable though and I will do better.  I have had enough of my depression and dark moods.  I will pull myself up by my boot straps or bra straps or whatever it takes.

In the mail today came a request for medical information from a doctor whom I had no idea who he was????  So, I called my insurance company wondering if they had put through a referral and as it turned out.. yes.

My appointment is for December 13th and it is to discuss removing my uterus, or putting netting in to hold up my bladder, or just removing the cyst that continues to grow.  I was so busy concentrating on my weight gain and depression that I forgot to mention that.  That and they found a spot on my breast (same one that was biopsied before) that they will watch and see if a chunk needs to be taken off of it, or just removed.

We'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

I am tired again tonight.  Brittney has 2 tests tomorrow and she needed to study, so I picked up Layla after school and fed her and helped her with her homework.  Britt just left with her about a half hour ago.  I have taken medication early tonight.
Priscilla is already sleeping in the doorway to my bedroom just in case I forget to get her.

Weight Gain, and Memory issues

Let me start by explaining my weight loss ticker up there......
I wanted this to be an accurate account of my total weight loss.  I had joined Weight Watchers and then quit for a while, so the weight loss that shows above is my entire weight loss journey from April of 2010.  I actually lost some before that maybe 5 or 10 pounds... but this is just my Weight Watchers and Bodybugg progress.

Today was weigh in and I gained 1.4 pounds.  I know every bite that was wrong.  Too many biscones, I had a fattening blended coffee and then...... Well.... Then I found the Halloween candy.  It was touch and go for a while if those poor little trick-or-treaters would have any for them!  lol

The cold air is definitely here to stay so my walking outside will now be challenging.  I will go to the Steens Park building and walk inside.  I may try walking downtown, even in the snow most sidewalks are cleared and the buildings may block some of the wind.  That is what takes my breath away.. that ice cold wind hitting my face.  With the cannula on when I am exerting any energy I breathe through my mouth... so when it's ice cold that air goes straight to my lungs.

I have a few doctors appointments this month that will hopefully give me some news about new medications, new procedures and new testing they want to do to me.  I'll let you know as I find out.

I am sorry about the lack of blogging... As those of you with a chronic disease knows depression is a huge part of daily life.  I most days/weeks/months have it in check.  Lately I have really struggled with it.  I am having a bigger memory problem, which now is causing issues with Bill.  I get so frustrated and scared that I lash out at him and I am sorry about it.  It just is frightening when you know you are losing ground.  This is something that must be addressed with the doctors.  I am not sure if it is lack of O2? Or, perhaps a side effect of medication... or both?  It would be comforting to know it is temporary.  Heck... it would even be comforting to know if it will continue to get worse... at least I know it's coming and can prepare Bill and Brittney (if that is possible).

So... I have to get back on the weight track.  No more gains!!!

Weight Loss, Pilgrams and walnuts

Today was weigh in.  I lost another 2.4 pounds, bringing the total (this time) to 7 pounds.  Officially I am at 194.  Last year (I can't remember the month) I started out at 224+.  So, I'll take where I have come to.  I still have small goals set and high hopes to get there.  My first goal is to get to 170.  I hope to do that by the first of the year.  I am not setting an ultimate goal.  I will leave that to how I am feeling, and what I can manage.  Don't forget that having my exercise ability limited sometimes makes it hard to post good loses.

I did not walk today.  I walked yesterday with Kathie and we had a nice walk and a great visit.  I am remembering how effortless it is to be with her.  There aren't many women I feel that way about (in person).  It has been my experience that women are catty and judgmental and not nice.  Terrible isn't it.

I don't feel any of that with Kathie.  I used to feel she was wiser and more intelligent than I was.  More capable maybe??  This time around, maybe because of my illness... I just feel like me.  I am no worse, no better than anyone else.  I am just me.  People will either take me for that or walk away.  I have been so judged that anyone who is at ease with me makes me happy.

I came home from walking and made re fried beans and carni asada for dinner.  I actually had energy left.

Today I went to Weight Watchers which every Tuesday takes about 2 hours.  Then, I came home and jumped on the trampoline.  I had no energy today at all.  I honestly can't remember doing anything.  I went and picked up Layla and she was here for a few hours until Fernando came to get her.  Brittney is studying for her mid-terms and so I told her this week I would help out with the child.

Bill and Layla were back out today picking up walnuts.  We are going to have truck loads this year!  I will freeze most of them and give away a few.  We ran out last year and I had forgotten how expensive they are until you go to buy a bag of stale walnuts for $8:00.

Here is the haul so far and we have given 2 small grocery bags full to our neighbors.

Priscilla trying to will Layla to hand over the bacon and eggs.  LoL

My Pilgrim's.  They were actually moms and I wouldn't miss the chance to use them, she would like that.  

I have had a touch of the stomach flu this week.  Crazy!!!  Each one of my meds causes constipation so having diarrhea for more than a day or two is so unusual for me.  I am still taking my laxatives only because I am so afraid to get plugged up again.  That is SO miserable!  So... I am up at night often.  I know it's silly, but I won't quit taking my laxatives only because I know the alternative.

I think the time of year has come where I won't be doing much walking outside.  Yesterday when we were walking it was chilly and a brisk breeze was blowing in my face.  That makes it so hard to get air.  I will have to take my walking indoors, which means Priscilla won't be allowed.... I don't think anyway.  I will have to do some asking around to see if I can take her inside the arena.

I am hoping I can gather some energy tomorrow and maybe go to coffee with Kathie.  Maybe we can find somewhere to walk first.  It is supposed to be 17 degrees tonight, so we can count on it being breath taking cold tomorrow.  I love winter, but every year I have forgotten how hard it is to do anything.

Christmas lights and weight loss

Drum Roll please...................... I lost 2.8 pounds.  If you are keeping track that is 4.8 in 6 weeks.  Not exactly on track, but I will take any loss at this point.  My weight loss counter must round up to the next # because it reads 5 pounds.

I had Brittney come over yesterday and take my measurements and I am still pretty close to what I was in August except my hips seem to have a mind of their own?!?!  I will hopefully be able to whittle those down on the trampoline.

We have 2 more days of decent weather, then I am afraid Winter will arrive.  We have had frost already.  Bill (bless his heart) goes out every morning and night and covers and uncovers our tomatoes.  I think by this Friday we will be done with them.  I am enjoying them right down to the last cherry tomato this year.

I have been slicing them in half into a bowl then covering them with (reduced fat) feta and salt and pepper and eating them like desert!  LoL

I did not walk Priscilla today and all day she let me know it.  She would do laps.... up onto the couch and down the other side... out the front door to the gate.... back into the house and up onto the couch and repeat, and repeat, and repeat!!!!

I know now this winter we will have to find somewhere to walk her.  Or get her used to walking on Britt and Fernando's tread mill.  Yeah... she can run the tread mill while Britt and I drink coffee and chat!  lol  I just can never see that happening.

I realized with Priscilla's actions today that tomorrow is a must for a nice long walk.  Our last walk was cut short because of that barking dog and our uphill battle, so she is in need of a good "take the breath out of you walk".
I will walk her downtown tomorrow.  When we walk there she has no grass to lay in until we get half way to the finish line, there she can lay down and rest.  Once she laid down sprawled out on the sidewalk and people just walked around her... when she gets tired no matter where she is she just plops! lol

So, Bill went over today and took all our ladders and helped Fernando put their Christmas lights up.  Tomorrow Fernando is coming here to help Bill with ours.  Britt and I decided (the guys hate it when we "decide" things!) that it would be much easier to put them up now instead of when it is cold, wet and snowing.

It has been another day for me to struggle getting air in.  I am so tired.  It's time to take my meds and call it a night.

Weigh in and walking

Today was my Weight Watchers weigh in.  I gained .4 pounds.  If your keeping track since joining again I have only lost 2 pounds.

I am frustrated.  I am going on my own.  Meaning, I am telling Bill to fend for himself if he doesn't feel like eating my healthy meals.  Lots of ground 97% lean ground turkey, chicken breasts, lean ground beef (4 ounces only) Very little pasta and when I use it, it will be whole grain.  Brown Rice and fresh veggies.  Lots of cauliflower and broccoli, carrots and beets, spinach and cabbage.  Homemade sauces with Olive oil and fresh citrus and sometimes a little honey or balsamic vinegar.  No salt and if I feel the need a small amount of kosher salt (it's larger size and packs more flavor for a smaller amount).  Carb friendly yogurt and sugar free jello.  I found diet hot chocolate for 25 calories and bought fat free low sugar cool whip to top it when I need sweet treats at night.  I am making decaf iced tea now and will work on decaf coffee.
I bought an eggplant for the first time.  I am going to try eggplant Parmesan tomorrow.  I will have to get the recipe offline.

I walked Priscilla again today.  We walked around downtown.  She of course wore her new "hoodie".  So darned cute.

And like me, after our walk she napped for a while.  Actually today I have jumped on my trampoline twice for about a half hour.  I am going to do another 15 minutes before bed.  I so badly want to get back in shape.  I don't want to lose All progress.  Besides all that, if I can just keep busy, even if it's small things I can stay up all day and not sleep the day away taking naps.

More later

It's Tuesday. That means weigh in

I'll get right to it.  I lost .6 pounds.  At Weight Watchers we say... A loss is a loss no matter how small.  And, that's the truth.  That is what I have to keep remembering.
Obviously it is not what I wanted, but if I am being honest... I didn't do anything to lose weight this week.

Bill and I were busy all day Friday doing one thing or another and Layla spent the night.  Instead of cooking and fretting about what she would eat I (me) suggested Burger King.  We spent Saturday cooking and getting ready for the kids to come over for Ribs and all the fixings on Sunday... so Saturday we went to Papa Murphy's and brought home their Mediterranean pizza with spinach, sun dried tomatoes and goat cheese.  Then of course Sunday I ate Ribs, Baked Beans, Pasta Salad.... and Cake.

hmmm... wonder why I didn't lose more??  Geeze.  LoL
I think it's a good thing I waked Priscilla as much as I did otherwise I would have had a big gain on my record.

I have my appointment Thursday with my Cardiologist and I will talk to him about my energy level.  I am not sure if this is something he would deal with or my Primary Care Dr. or my Pulmonologist?  I never really know whom to talk to about what.

I find it odd that my energy level is so low, yet my heart rate still rests at 100+.  My heart gets going some days so fast that taking deep breaths seems to be the only way to catch up to it, if that makes sense?

Any way.  I am hoping to get back on the right track.  I am hoping I can get back on that trampoline for an hour a day... 15 minutes times 4.  It seems like I can do it.  I may have to work into it.  I know with the winter and cold wet weather coming walking outside will be impossible.

I am just about done canning tomatoes.  With the cold weather here I have picked what I can and will keep them covered at night to try and get the rest to turn.  I struggle every year trying to get them all picked.  Our weather here just doesn't agree with much gardening.

I will try and talk myself into blogging more.  The last couple weeks have been bad for me.  Between my lack of energy, I think losing my 2 friends put me into a bit of depression.  It won't last long, I'll work through it.
My memory issue is becoming a problem.  I am forgetting medications, appointments, messages to Bill or Brittney.  It just seems to leave my head.  Even typing, I will come across a word that I should know and I can sit here for 10 minutes trying to remember what I wanted to say.  Sometimes it comes back, sometimes I need to say it in a different way so I can work around the words I can't seem to come up with.
I know it is frustrating and leaves me feeling useless and embarrassed.  When poor Bill tries to remind me there are times I just begin to cry.  It's like I can't figure out why I don't know these things.
The worse part is I will forget to put on my cannula and sometimes it will take getting a headache or dizzy to remember to put it back on.  At least 5 times a day or more, Bill tells me to go put my O2 on, or will bring me my cannula.
To me it feels like the worst of the side effects are hitting me first.  I don't mean the lung collapse or the wheezing... I mean the chest pain, the heart issues, the memory problems, the lack of energy.  It just seems to have gotten much worse the last 5 months.

I gained... oops

I didn't walk Priscilla today.  I took her to Weight Watchers with me this morning.  We got there early enough to sneak in with the dog and weigh and leave before anyone else got there.  I am never sure taking a dog places.

My weigh in ... I gained 3 pounds.  I am not sure why so much, but I am confident it will go away.  I ran out of laxatives about a week ago and so I haven't been "regular" since last Friday.  It is odd, it just doesn't matter how much fiber, fruit or greens I eat.

I'll get back in the groove of watching my food intake and exercising.  I won't be hard on myself.

I feel bad that today I didn't walk Priscilla.  Bill had an appointment over the mountain and Britt has started back to school and I didn't feel steady enough to do it on my own.

I never thought I would say that.  I have always been so independent my entire life that this is a big change for me.

I am light headed, I feel unsteady on my feet at times. I have headaches almost daily now.
I have constant pain in my feet like I am walking on pebbles.  My hands sometimes cramp up and ache so bad that keeping them in hot water feels so good.  Of course there is that constant pain and tightness in my chest.

I am struggling to do anything during the day.  I have been canning tomatoes.  Every day or every other day I will do 2 quarts and 2 pints.  I am trying to do them as they ripen so none are wasted.  But I have to say doing that and then cooking dinner I am DONE.  Totally done, ready for a nap, unable to do much of anything but sit.  Thank heavens for the computer.  At least I can communicate with my online friends and play a few games during the day.

Any way... that's my day.  I have planned for tomorrow a walk for Priscilla and I.  That's about it.

The loss of a wonderful woman

Today was Weight Watchers weigh in.  I wasn't sure how this would go.  I could have easily gained 3 pounds, or lost maybe 1.  So, I was pleasantly surprised when I got on the scale and lost 4.8 pounds.  My little thing on this page rounds up... bless it's heart, so it reads I have lost 5.

I have no idea how this happened.  Like I mentioned in my blog yesterday, my body is doing things I have never seen before.

I have been walking Priscilla, or she walks me every day.  I think about 3/4 of a mile.  That I am sure is helping in my loss.  I also (with the exception of today) have been doing 10 minutes at a time on my trampoline.  I still haven't been back to Curves... I am still a member, just haven't been back.  I will try that one day this week and see how I do.  Honestly, I am SO tired.  By the time I come home from walking the dog and get dinner ready I am done for the day.
I have been sneaking in a little bit of canning tomatoes but doing nothing else.  I just don't have the stamina at this moment.

I am just about to call it a night, but before I do.....  I was notified today that one of moms best friends, one of my friends passed away earlier this month.  She went the way of the angels... just went to sleep and didn't wake up.  Bless her heart, she and mom had the best times together.  I had talked to her not long ago... talk... I mean email.  She was such a character.  I will miss her.  The world will be a little less happy because her smile isn't here anymore.

Here is a picture of her and mom.  It was taken about 10 years ago... they were having a St. Patrick's Celebration in Los Barilles Baja Mexico, where she lived for 20+ years.

I think her and mom are having a great chat about now.

Mom is on the right, Lois on the left.  It's so sad not to have the two of you around anymore.  :(

So much to catch up on

I told you I was going in for an MRI a little while back and that I was waiting for results.  That the tech had told me they found a spot on my bladder that they would surely be contacting me for an ultra sound for.... well.....

I had my Primary Care Doctor appointment on Thursday.  She went over the MRI and said there is nothing listed there for my bladder.  They did however find a spot about the size of a walnut on my left breast on the other side of the breast that got the last lump out of.  She did an exam and said that she couldn't feel it and most likely it is just a sebaceous cyst.  My Pulmonologist (who order the MRI in the first place) for two days has been trying to get a hold of me and finally today said... they wanted me to talk to my PCD (primary care doctor) and be sure to tell her the importance of getting this checked out.  My Doctor today said that she will call the Radiologist and talk to them about it.

As for my chest pain... yep, it's still there.  Only meds to try and relieve it somewhat.  They are ruling things out and then will try drug therapy until they get it under control.
They say (Primary care Dr. and Pulmonologist) that it's hard to pin point chest pain when people have lung and heart issues.  They both cause the same symptoms and one mimics the other.

I went back to Weight Watchers today... so every Tuesday now whether I like it or not I will be posting my weight.  I was so excited to be back on the program I came home today and drank a bunch of water, went for a walk with Bill and Priscilla and then came home and while Bill and Priscilla slept...I ate cake!  GEEZE!!

I did bounce for 9 minutes on the trampoline along with my little walk downtown, so I did get some exercise.  It is already 5:40 and Bill is across the street helping a neighbor build a chicken coop so I am not doing dinner.  We can have fresh veggies and whatever he can dig up.  lol

I have a gazillion and three tomatoes all ripening at once.  I love them and try so hard not to let them go to waste.  I have made salsa and still have pounds that I still need to do something with. Maybe tomorrow I will go buy some more lids and can some peeled tomatoes.  I love them in the winter in soup.

As for Priscilla, she is a doll.  She seems to understand she was brought here to keep my spirits up.  She is never far away from my feet.  I can't tell you how many times I have cooked dinner with one foot on each side of her.  lol

I mentioned the fires that are burning around us making our air in the afternoon just terrible.

Here are pictures of a quick rain storm with the smoke lingering under a rainbow.  And, pictures of Priscilla and my tomatoes.

Priscilla's vet visit went very well.  She has lost 13 pounds in 6 weeks bringing her weight to 77 pounds and perfect for her size and breed.  None of her injuries will be long lasting and she will heal up perfectly.  She was such a good dog during the exam and shots.  She just brings smiles where ever she goes.  I made an appointment to get her spayed next month.

As for my weight... (thought I would get away without adding it huh>?!  lol) ... I weighed in today at 201.2.  That means at my lowest weight in May I have gained 11.2 pounds.
Here we go again.  I have my body bugg back on.  I am hoping just to capture exercise and calories burned.  As for the Weight Watcher program, I am going to try and follow it this time.  I always end up using the basics there and common sense, with a hint of cheese.  LOL
Maybe by next Spring I will be close.  I am not giving myself any deadlines this time.  I have enough to do.  I just want to live each day and not worry about squeezing 5 pounds off in a week, or stressing because I gained a pound.  This is my re-dedication to becoming healthy again.  It's amazing how much I can feel those 11 pounds.

Measurements and Wii bass fishing.

I told you last night that I would post my measurements and weight. I will updated it once a month.  Since I started on the 17th, then I'll keep it at that.

Here it is................

I will also try and get better pictures once a month.  LOL
I was back at Curves today, and instead of coming home and doing my 5 minutes on the trampoline I cleaned house.  I even vacuumed our front porch.  Then I played the Wii (bass fishing.. and I lost miserably) to try and get more movement in my day.

Today is the first day I have stuck to my diet.  I actually made a really healthy tuna sandwich with onions, pickles and a little lite mayo on plain Bagel Thins with watercress and tomatoes, and sliced cucumbers on the side.  :)  I have taken the sugar back out of my iced tea.  I thought about doing the stevia stuff, but thought if I can do without either I will be that much better off.

A great night with Bill and Layla,,, and a gorgeous bulldog face!

We went to a monthly event downtown tonight.  It's called Third Thursdays and they shut down main street and have vendors and bands and all the shops opened and out on the street.  It's quaint and an awesome way to spend time from 5:00 to 9:00 on a Thursday.  We of course were home by 8:00.  I just can't stand in one place for long and there wasn't much seating so we walked around.  Blocks and Blocks... I laughing told Bill it felt like I walked miles and he counted 18 blocks that we walked.
There were some really good bands though.  2 Blues bands and a couple old Rock and Roll bands.  The crowds in front of each kind of reflected the age group of the bands playing.  Oh yeah... on a side street there was a hip hop DJ spinning records and a big group of the youngsters there.  God... I sound old!

Bill and I counted over 20 "you poor thing" looks I got.  He was never really aware of them before.  I asked him a while ago when we would go shopping to watch peoples reaction to me.  It's not like I watch for them, it's just almost sad how even old people will clear a path for me to walk, or parents will grab their kids from my way.  It's a half way smile crossed with a little touch of pity.  I  can't stand it!
If it weren't for the heavy O2 tank in my purse that becomes miserable to carry around, I would forget I had on a cannula.  If my feet and legs didn't swell (which is a new thing) when I walked I might not remember I have health issues.  There really are moments that I don't have lung pain, and my breathing is comfortable, and I just think I am me.  Then I am reminded I am not like everyone else and that bothers me more than you could imagine.

Any way... Bill and Layla and I had a lovely evening.

Third Thursday, Klamath Falls downtown

Bill's oldest daughter Cari lives in LaHabra in Southern California.  She has 2 English Bulldogs and someone brought over another year old girl that had been abused.  I have always wanted one but couldn't afford the cost, anywhere from $500 to $2k.  So, we are meeting her about half way between us and she is giving me the dog.  She has been with Cari for 2 weeks already and gets along very well with her dogs.  Has been looked over by a vet.  Needs some medical attention which our vet said she would do for us.  She is a year old and lived most her life in a kennel.  When she was taken out the other dogs there would fight her.  She has scars.  From what Cari tells me she is just a baby.  I am very exited to have her and baby her.

This is Priscilla.  I just love that face!!

Because of being kept in a kennel and not exercised her back legs are bowed quite a bit, and she is very over weight.  She weighs 90+ pounds.  Cari has been walking her and going a little further every night.  It will be something we need to continue.  We'll do awesome together.  Cari says she gets tired and just lays down to rest and won't get up till she is good and ready!  LOL
So, on September 2nd we are going to pick her up.  I just can't wait.

As for my new diet plan.  I am having a terrible time getting started.  I need to rid the house again of all crap.  Cookies, biscone's cookies, cheese... you know ... the good stuff.

I had Britt come over today and measure me.  I was surprised at a few of the measurements and shocked by others.  Let's just say I have my work cut out for me again.  It seems since the end of April I have been on a downward spiral which really needs to stop!

I have been to Curves Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday so far this week.  And, jumped on the trampoline a grand total of 5 minutes every day.  I just have lost all progress and am starting out at the bottom and working up again.

Tomorrow I will consider being brave and posting my measurements and weight so I can document a beginning marker.  Even though it shows on my BodyBugg program... If I am being "open and honest" with this blog that probably should include all things.  I'll think on it tonight and get my nerve up to post it tomorrow.

Now... there is a really exhausted little girl asleep in my bed that I want to go snuggle with.  Until tomorrow.

I did it

As nervous as could be I walked into CURVES today and met with the entire staff.  The owner wanted all of them to meet with me and get comfortable with me being there.  I appreciated that.  I told them that I know my body pretty well and with my doctors direction I know how far to push myself.  After we chatted about 20 minutes I began to work on the machines.

Honestly, the hardest part of it was not getting tangled up in my cannula.  I found out quickly that there are certain machines that just don't work with a lung disorder.  Those I will work around and avoid.  All in all they were pleased with what I could do, and I was relieved that I could actually work up a sweat. 

They are closed on weekends so it will be Monday through Friday.  I would like to work out in the mornings, but they say that is their busiest time.  So, I will have to see where I can fit in and not slow everyone else down.

I am happy with myself.  Even there though one of the women who work there told me I am such an inspiration to everyone there.  That just makes me want to cringe.  It is not that I don't think of it as a compliment, it just makes me uncomfortable.  There are times I don't want to be someones inspiration, I just want to be me.  Do you understand that? 
Being an inspiration to someone puts pressure on me to continue to push forward, and believe me there are days where I would like to bury my head.  I guess it's a blessing in disguise.  It keeps me going.

They took measurements and I weighed in.  They weigh in only once monthly and take measurements then also.
I had gained 1 pound since my last Weight Watchers weigh in.  I will begin Curves weighing 194.2 .  I hope this will help me push forward in my weight loss and my body mass.
As always I will keep you informed.

Tonight I am tired.  I have already taken my meds and it's time to put my bones in bed.  I go to bed with the satisfaction of a new beginning.  :)

Weigh in and Trying to stay off the floor

I got up this morning and rushed to a tanning appointment at 9:00 then Weight Watchers at 10:00. 

I gained 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 30.6 pounds.  I have been trying to lose this same 5 pounds for 2 months.  You would think I would get over it and begin to lose again.  I take full responsibility for my weight.  It is me putting every bite into my mouth. 

I am sure if I read back on this about every month at least once I would have a new idea on how to restart my weight loss/exercising ... or a new "outlook".  LoL  Well, I don't want to take the time to go back and read right now so I will just admit to it.

I have been thinking though (I see those smirks on your faces!! LOL) that this bodybugg program I am following projects my goal to be reached the first part of October I think.  I really like this bodybugg program and the tracking everything I eat.  But I think instead of keeping my focus on the number of pounds I want to get to, I want to refocus on the size and condition I want my body to be by then.  Pffft  Don't get me wrong if I get to my goal weight you will hear me yelling clear across the country!  ;)

I have been thinking seriously about going back to Curves.  In case you forgot or missed my last dealings with Curves I will retell my story. 

I joined Curves after I was put on night time O2, but before I was on it 24 hours a day.  I was on only 2 inhalers at the time and no other medication.  I barely remember those days.  So, my first day there the lady shows me all the stations and how to use each one, then rest or walk in place between each one.  I did fine the first day.  The second day I went in the morning and there was one other lady there.  We introduced ourselves to each other and I began my rotation.  She was right behind me.  On a few of the machines it shows your pulse rate and evidently mine hadn't cleared before she sat down.  I see her go to the "boss lady" and then they both head over my way.  The boss lady says (I can't remember names) Blah Blah is a retired RN and she saw what your pulse rate was when she sat down at a machine"  "She thinks it is at a dangerous level".  Then Blah Blah says to me "please lay down on the floor and bend your knees and just rest for a minute while I take your pulse."  So I find myself laid out on the floor.  My pulse never did get low enough to suit her.  I just told her I had emphysema and I was sure that played a part in it.  The boss lady says to me "it would make her feel better if I doubled my time between machines for the time being". 
I went 2 more times and then finally quit because it was evident that these women in there were so concerned they would hover over me throughout my work out.

Now I think being on O2, and bringing in a doctors note I could really benefit from their machines.  I think when I get back from Bend I will go in and talk to the manager about my concerns and see if I come back could things ease up some?  I will have my O2 cannula on and my Oxi-meter so I can keep track of all vitals.  I am hoping that may keep me off the floor!  LoL

Weigh in and belly laughs

I went to Weight Watchers this morning and I lost 1.2 pounds.  The meeting started and the leader (Kathy) starts speaking about the 5k we had walked Saturday.  Our group at Weight Watchers is around 40 and about 20 members plus friends and spouses walked on Saturday. 

Kathy goes on about what a great morning it was and then said... She thought there would have been a bigger turn out.  She says... There are people here who complain about arthritis or aches and pains, and there are people here who don't exercise but really need to for their health.  Then she said she saw me determined to walk with my oxygen tank on my back and she felt that no one should complain of aches and pains. 

Ughh.  This is really hard for me.  Inspiration is something I never intended to be.  It's perception I think.  I look at me like a woman who damaged herself with an addiction she knew was bad for her.  My family I think looks at me the same.  I think they are occasionally proud of me for pushing forward and trying to reach my goals.  But, I am humbled when I hear that I am an inspiration.  It pleases me very much to think that I can help someone with my words, or by sharing my story. 

I remember when I was diagnosed there wasn't many sites or people talking about Copd.  I first met people on the Become an Ex . org site that I used to quit smoking.  (which if anyone is trying to kick the habit... that is THE site to go too)  There were a couple ladies there who told me they had Copd and they became instant friends of mine.  Just talking about the symptoms we each had was reassuring.  It made me know I wasn't imagining things, and that I was not alone.  It also showed me what may be in store for me.  We are all a little different.  Our disease and it's progression depends on so much.... exacerbation's, colds/flu/pneumonia, exercise, over all health, other health issues.  So, no one person shares everything with the other.  We do have things in common like... Depression, anxiety, exhaustion... we share similar side effects from the drugs... eye problems, bladder problems, bowel problems, bloody nose issues. 

Wow...I get side tracked.  Anyway... I will take being an inspiration but it comes by accident.  And, I am so grateful if I can help anyone, or help a family member understand what struggles their loved ones are going through. 

Now... Britt and Fernando are moving into a new house.  So.. tomorrow they will move in here until their new house gets ready about a week or so.  They will be going over and finishing cleaning and mowing the yard and touching up paint this weekend.  Tonight Britt and Layla brought some things over to put in the closet.  Britt and I started taunting each other.  We used to have fly swatter fights.  We would chase each other around the house and smack each other with fly swatters.  Sometimes those things really stung!!  That was kind of the point... Tonight Layla was outside with one of my wooden spoons trying to use it as a baseball bat to hit a tennis ball with.  So, after she got through with it, I picked it up and on the way in the house swatted Britt on the back of her thigh with it.  Pop it went really loud!!!  She let out a yelp and I started laughing so hard I almost wet my pants.  She came in and grabbed the remote control and started swatting back.  We both connected 4 or 5 real good hits.  As she was leaving I had hidden my spoon in the waistband of my pants and I pulled it out and swatted her... thwack!!!!!!  She said and I quote......"I should wrap that cord around your neck and pull you down on the ground".  I said (through tears from laughing so hard) Gawd I wish I had that on a tape... the nursing school would love to hear that!!  Whew!!!! 
Anyway... It was SO nice to laugh.  I think that's the first time in months that I laughed out loud so hard.  :)  Tomorrow when I get ready to lay in the tanning bed and see black and blue marks on my legs and arms a big smile will come across my face. 

I am posting these for my records... but today i was really pleased to see my lean body mass increasing.  It was a pleasant surprise.  I seem to be losing inches now and even on the weeks I don't show a weight loss.  And, that works for me.  It's all about BMI and getting into physically good shape. 

Weigh in and Spray Tans

I have noticed that making small simple changes in my daily routine can make a HUGE difference in not only my attitude, but my ability to handle my pain.

I have always been a soap opera watcher.  I actually watch WAY too much T.V..  Since I retired and had back surgeries my life became sedentary and predictable.  That was the beginning of my weight gain, and that is when I started smoking more also. 

Bill bought me an IPod and a Istereo  for Christmas and over the months I have downloaded a ton of music and Brittney has helped me so much by making smaller files for me.  (she is so computer savvy)
So now most days, well all days I feel good enough to get up and move... I turn on the music and be busy all day, instead of sitting in my chair drinking coffee.
I think this had made a huge difference in my pain threshold.  At night or when I sit down to eat or rest, or at night when I go to bed I notice my pain is still there and just as bad as it had been all day... the only difference is I am not sitting around thinking about it.  Of course times like now I feel every breath I am taking in my right lung and back.  That has not changed from the last 3 or 4 days.  It's just that putting my mind on something else keeps me from dwelling on all things wrong with me.

Saturday for Mothers Day, Britt bought us spray tans at a Day Spa near us.  They told us that it takes up to 6 hours to get it's full effect.  Our appointment was in the afternoon.  So, I came home and watched and nothing.  I was certain it didn't work.  LoL  So I went to bed.  I awoke the next morning and went in the bathroom and passed by the mirror!!!!  I definitely had a tan!!  Layla my little island baby had nothing on her grandma now!  LoL  I just kept thinking please don't get any darker, please don't get any darker! 
Prior to the actual appointment for some reason we were both under the impression that it lasted for 3 weeks.  Nope.  It lasts only a week.  I like the color on me.  It somehow makes me feel healthier.  I had always had a very dark tan my entire life.  About 10 years ago I had a malignancy on my face on the bridge of my nose close to my left eye.  I went through radiation, and have since stayed out of the sun as much as possible.  Mostly I just watched my face and wore sunscreen.
So, going pale and being a pasty white girl made me feel sickly. 

I told Britt I had decided since I am not really worried about "longevity" anymore I may as well go back to the tanning beds and just keep my face covered.
After our spray tan, she called me today and said that she had went and bought us both a month for the tanning beds.  Unlimited use for the month.

I have the best daughter.  She really is so thoughtful and takes such good care of me.  I am truly blessed having her in my life.  For mothers day not only did she get the spray tan for me, she also gave me a 100$ bill in a note.  She told me she knows how much I am missing my mom (we are going to have a memorial for her next month) so she wants me to take this and do something special while we are away.  <3 <3 

Now..... for the weigh in this morning.  I was certain, I actually would have bet $$ that I gained weight.  As it turned out I lost 2.4 pounds.  Which is almost half of what I had gained the previous week.   
I don't know how I could have lost weight??  But, I'll take it.  I knew the first half of the week went well, I just knew that the 2nd half of the week I blew it.

I need to be kinder to myself I think and give me a break.  Accept and take credit for the loss and not think about past failures.  Be kinder to me!!  I'll take a mental note!  LoL  That would do me no good since my memory is truly failing me.  Short term things.  I can tell you what happened 20 years ago, but I couldn't tell you a conversation I had 3 days ago.  I am not sure if this is typical of someone who has gone through menopause, or if this is a sign of something else.  Whatever has caused it... It is FRUSTRATING. 

I slept terrible last night.  I refuse to be sluggish all day though.  Keep moving!  Bill installed one of our air conditioners in my room today.  I love sleeping when it's cool, and I think one of the reasons I haven't slept well is because I get too warm at night.  I am hoping it will help. 
When I was a teenager we lived in Alaska and I remember Winter or Summer I would sleep with my window opened under a lot of covers.  So, things haven't changed much.  We lived in Oregon for about 5 years before I even owned a winter coat. 

After Britt gets out of her classes she will stop by and pick up her dog and child and I will have her take my measurements.  I will post the weekly progress then. 

as promised...........

There we go.  This is my latest chart.  It shows my big jump last week and trying to get back on track this week.  All I can do is take it one day at a time and hope for good results. 

A bad weigh in, but new determination

Weigh in today.  I won't beat around the bush... I gained 5 pounds.  I looked over all my food logs and I can't figure it out.  I knew I would not have another week like last week... but I had NO idea it would be 5 pounds!  I know prior to last weeks weigh in I had been in the hospital and then had that terrible intestinal bug... so I was pretty cleaned out.
Now, I am back to the constipation.  I am wondering if that can put that much weight on me??


At any rate... I am taking fiber pills now, drinking 4-16oz glasses of water  (today) and I am making sure I have plenty of fruits and veggies with every meal.  To me 5 pounds is just ridiculous!  I just renewed my bodybugg online subscription for 6 months... and by that time if I can stick to this darned plan I should be at goal.  Of course this ping-pong gaining and losing is not helping me.


I am hoping with Spring approaching and being able to get outside I can stay focused. 


Tonight about an hour ago (8:30) I started having those pains in my chest.  Right square in the center.  It has since gone... but it hit and made itself known right away.  It is the first one I have had since the last time I was in the emergency room. 


I have an appointment to see a Cardiologist on the 1st of June.  I am hoping he says everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about with your rapid heart rate.  Crossing my fingers.

A late Weigh in and Catching up

Last I wrote it was Friday and I was feeling pretty well. 

Saturday we went to dinner with the family and after we ordered and after we ate the appetizer's and I drank an iced tea, I leaned in to Bill and told him I needed to go home quickly.  All of a sudden this feeling came over me that I needed to lay down and I was going to soon throw up. 
I apologized and Bill took me home. 

For the next 2 days I had the worst intestinal bug I had in years.  I could not hold food or water down.  Finally Monday I got up a few hours at a time just so I could get back to the human race.  I finally ate a grilled cheese sandwich and water. 

Tuesday I went to weigh in and I lost 3.4 pounds.  I am now at 190.2 pounds.  At least 40 more to go... I have redone my target #'s to be easier on myself.  I am not going to feel badly because I don't lose 2.8 pounds every week.  If I have learned nothing from this month... it's that good intentions don't take the pounds off.  I have so many variables with my health.  It really all depends on any given week or day as to what I can accomplish exercise wise. 

I have been doing some battling with depression again.  I know it's simply a result of having a run of bad health.  Being told to limit activity, new medications, emergency room visits, hospital stays.  It hasn't been the best month. 

Sunday night I laid in bed and was feeling so weak and sick ... I just thought this is how my future will be at some point.  Then I remember a doctor somewhere saying... "people don't die from emphysema, they die from it damaging other organs".  Comforting isn't it?  Anyway... Sunday night I realized more than ever that I have to fight this disease. 

I have to be strong and diligent in my effort to lose weight.  I have to continue to guard my health and avoid those with colds/flu.  I have to fight through pain and not give up.  I need mostly to keep a positive attitude, and not let these set backs send me into depression.  They are going to happen once in a while, the sooner I accept that the better prepared I will be. 

Once again I promise to do better about writing every day. 

The chart just shows my progress since I started using the Bodybugg, and my target date that I should meet my goal.  I set my daily goals easier for me.  If I surpass them ... that's great, but if I just make the daily goal then that is fine too.  I am being kinder to myself.  LoL

Weigh In and a picture of my heart

First things first.  Tuesday I went to weigh in.... I lost 1.8 pounds finally bringing my total weight loss to 30.8 pounds.  I have been waiting for the moment I broke the 30 pound mark.  So, that was good news and put me in a good mood. 

I had a list of stuff to get done Tuesday.  So, after Weight Watchers I came home and picked up my comforter and took it to the dry cleaners, came home and picked Bill up and took him to Britt's so he could help Fernando paint, stopped by the Heart Center to turn in my event monitor for them to download the 3 episodes I recorded and to change the battery. 

A woman came out holding the event monitor and said there was nothing there... nothing recorded... no pulse, no heart rhythm????  So they replaced it with a different one.

I left there and came home to get my list of questions for Dr. Jennings and left for my doctors appointment.  To make a really long story short... I left the clinic, came home and grabbed a pair of Jammie's, some slippers, bathroom stuff and headed for the hospital to be admitted for chest pain.

She (Dr. Jennings) had tried to get me an appointment with a Cardiologist and the soonest appointment was June 1st.  She said that was unacceptable, so to be a little sneaky she would have me admitted to the hospital (if a bed was available) and a cardiologist would see me the following day.

I called Britt and Bill and told them that at least for the day there was nothing to worry about.  The nurses got me hooked up to the heart monitor and blood pressure cuff and oxygen finger clippy thing. 
Bill came up and brought me a few things I forgot.  While he was there my doctor stopped in to see me.  She said that she had spoke with the cardiologist and they both agreed a heart catheter would be the next course of action.  She said that I would really like Dr. Kubac and she would be there to check on me the next day.
A nurse came in and told me that Dr. Kubac was going to be coming back to the hospital and would come in and talk with me. 

At around 8:00 I sent Bill home and told him I would call and let him know when the procedure would be.

At around 9:30 the doctor came in.  Dr. Jennings was right, I really liked him.  He explained what would happen, talked to me about my history and my family history.  Questioned why my Copd was so bad with my young age?  I told him I was a smoker and very good at it. 

He said he would see me the next morning.  That he moved me to the front of his schedule so my heart cath would be at 8:30.

Around 11:00 a nurse came in and said there were a couple students who were there and since I needed 2 I.V.'s started for the next morning, would I mind if they did it?  Not at all... after all Brittney was soon going to be in the nursing program and I would hope some nice person would help her.  This poor girl tried 8 times in my left arm to start the I.V. and couldn't get it inside the vein... she hit all around it every time, but never could puncture it.  After the 6th time the head nurse said... That's enough, she has had enough.  I said... "No, keep going ... I don't mind."  She attempted 2 more times then the head nurse finished putting both I.V.'s in. 

At midnight the nurse came in and told me that Dr. Kubac called and had moved my procedure up to 7:30... so I called Bill and woke him up to tell him, then I sent Britt a text telling her to just go on to school and her dad would keep her informed.

I went down for my procedure... loved all the people who worked in the cath lab.  One girl told me this is what they do every day, all day so they have it down pat... and I believe her.  I remember a guy telling me he was giving me a drug that would make it so I was still awake and able to talk to the doctor, but I would not feel anything and most likely not remember even being there.  He was right! 

Back at the room I had to lay flat and not move my legs at all for a couple hours, then I was ready to go home.  I was home by 3:00 and in bed sleeping for the night.  I remember getting up at 9:00 and getting on the computer for a few minutes.

Today I feel pretty good.  I couldn't wait to get in the shower.

The doctor brought me this picture... he said my heart is in great shape.  He said my arteries were great.  He also went into my lungs and with dye measured the pressure there.  That report will go to Dr. Jennings and my Pulmonologist. 

He said the pain I am having is most likely in my lungs.  He gave me some percoset and told me if or when I have another episode to take the pain meds and increase my O2 to 5 lpm and recline in a chair doing my best to practice relaxed breathing.

All and all a pretty eventful couple days.  It's not something I would suggest for fun... but not all that bad.  And, I have pictures!  LoL

Weigh In

Today was weigh in.  Last week I gained 1.8 pounds, this week I lost 1.8 pounds.  So, I will consider this a good week, a loss is a loss.  I am getting back on track, exercising again, eating smarter.  I am not going to be hard on myself.

I went to pick up a few things at the store today.  I decided to treat myself and buy a couple pair of Capri pants.  Guessing my size, because my pants I now leave buttoned and zipped and slide them on and off.

I began with a pants size of 22.  Today I bought a size 16 and it is too big.  This pleases me very much.  I still have SO far to go, but I feel smaller.  I feel healthier.

I am flirting with losing 30 pounds.  At one point I was down 29.4 ... now I am at 27 I have lost.  It's still a great start.  And, I know about the plateau's.  I will have patience and keep reminding myself that slow and steady is much better than rapid weight loss.  I am not just changing my diet but I am also getting up and moving which I hadn't done.

Weigh In

Tuesday.  Weigh In day.  I layed in bed this morning and so badly wanted to pull the covers up over my head and not go to Weight Watchers.  I didn't though.  I knew this was not going to be a good week because I did ZERO exercise and pretty much just sat around.  Which, would be fine except I did not lower my calories.  That means a weight gain.

I was pleasantly surprised that it was not more.  I gained 1.8 pounds.  I came home with a new determination to get cardio in everyday.  Even if it's 10 minutes.  And, I am back riding the bike.  I am only doing 2.5 miles at a time.  I simply don't have the lung capacity I did a month ago.

After Weight Watchers I went to the Heart Center and had them change the batteries in this monitor I have.  Of course I had to wait.  With my disease pretty much every doctor I see the waiting rooms are filled with people much older than I am.  It is just not common to see someone in their 40's with oxygen.  I would think that this is one place I would fit in and not get looks.  But it's quite the opposite.  No one will make eye contact but when I look up from a magazine they are looking. 
I wonder if there will ever be somewhere I can just be me.  Not the young one with a lung disease.  Or, the one that sticks out at the cardiac center? 

I will keep you updated this week on my weight loss progress.  I plan to be able to see a good result daily in my caloric deficit.  I have a new determination.  I can't just coast along and gain here and there.  I want to reach my goal.  It may not be in June or July... But I will get there!