Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sometime last week I realized the anniversary of mom's death was coming up.  I did my best to forget it.  I don't need to remember this day.  It's 2 years today.
I think of her almost everyday.  There is so much I want to tell her.  There are so many days I just want her to comfort me.  I was the baby of the family and till the day she died I was her baby.  Crap... I just miss her so much.
I didn't get to say goodbye to her.  She was scheduled for heart surgery to repair a leaky valve.  We (Brittney, Layla and I) had planned a trip down to see her in October and we were all going to do a little early Christmas shopping.  So, when her heart surgery was scheduled for the middle of November I asked her if we should cancel and I would just come down for her surgery?  She said no, that my brothers would be there and she wanted a nice visit with her girls.  So we spent a week there in October.  2 days before her heart surgery was scheduled my oldest brother called me and told me that during the night she got up to do something and fell and broke her hip.  The next 3 days he would call and give me updates.  I spoke with her on the phone the first day she was in the hospital.  Finally the 20th Greg told me I may want to get there ASAP ... this was Thanksgiving week traveling and the only flight I could get was the next day getting into Phoenix by 4:00.  I was met at the airport and taken to the hospital by my step brother and step cousin.  As we got to moms room I saw my big brother and step father and they told me the doctor had just went in and I could  see her shortly.  She passed away while I was outside her room.  I didn't get to let her know I was there or to tell her I loved her. 
I won't ever forget how painful and heartbreaking that was.  I was 15 feet from her bed and never got to say goodbye.
That was 2 years ago and so much has happened since then.  I know she has been with me a few times.  I have such lovely vivid dreams of her. 

This isn't the day I want to remember.  I would much rather spend the time and emotions thinking of her birthdays, or our trips we would take together. 

I already took my nights meds, the earlier I can get to sleep tonight the better I will be. 
Before I go I wanted to fill you in on the "body bugg" diet plan.  I think it will work wonders for me.  It's difficult not to eat carbs, white flour or white sugar.  That doesn't leave much. 

Thanksgiving is coming and we will celebrate the day before with Brittney's boyfriends family at his mothers house.  Then Thanksgiving Bill and I will just hang out ourselves.  Britt has plans and we have most of the time had it be just the two of us. 

I have a Weight Watchers weigh in on Tuesday.  I'll let you know how things go.

Miss you mom! <3


Giulia said...

Some short time after my mother had died I went to a party and spoke to a stranger about that kind of loss and how long you felt it. I wanted the truth. I needed to know how long I would be in that kind of pain. They said, essentially, you will always miss them.

My mother has been gone? uh, I don't recall now, 13 years perhaps? I prefer to recall her birth date rather than her death date. I still have intense moments of missing her. It is what it is. It shows the depth of the love. I accept that now. But it still hurts. But there is greatness in that kind of love. For there are so many who never have that experience. It hurts, but it is also something to cherish and be grateful for.

I honor your mother, as I honor mine. For all that kind of love is so inter-connected. And just makes us one in our attempt at reconnecting with...you finish that sentence as you will.

Anonymous said...

My mom died two days after Christmas...gosh, it's been 4 or 5 years, I don't truly remember..I so remembered the first year and the second year, but like Guilia says, the time that haa passed means less than it did those first two years...she knew it was her last Christmas, didn't pass the day after Christmas because that is my daughter's birthday, her namesake..there is a powerful story around her passing that confirms my belief in angels..she died with grace and elegance, as she lived...don't get me wrong, she was far from perfect, but was so strong in so many ways...I used to miss her terribly, but now I know she is always with me...I wear her red earrings or her turquoise bracelets to honor her and talk to her often, especially when I am dealing with a difficult situation...her courage and strength will always guide me...

Spunkie said...

You look like your Mom and she knows you were there !!!!!!!!!

I lost my mom when I was 21 she was only 47 and Kellie to this day I still miss her .

Like you said I try hard to always think of the good things not the sad things

I was lucky I was with my mom she passed in the hosp and I slept under her bed I was so glad to have been so close ...so I know how you miss that but SHE KNOWS YOU WERE THERE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!