A lifetime of Oxygen

This will probably be the hardest blog I have written up to this point..............

Friday I went in to my Primary Care Doctor for a follow up visit. I still hadn't heard the results from my heart test and I was expecting a good outcome.
We went over all my new meds... working fine! We went over sleeping through the night now... Good news! Then we discussed the results of my heart test. All in All good she said. :) Then she said it still was a mystery as to why my heart beat is so fast... why my pulse races. She said the test revealed that my resting heart beat was 104, and with exertion it soared. So we discussed causes.
She put a oxi monitor on me and sitting my oxygen level was 92 (I think, honestly what came after this erased my memory of most events), so with the oxi meter we took a slow steady walk around the building. (this is a small town, small building. lol) I made it half way and she looked at the oxygen level and stopped me, it was 72 and my pulse was 138. We went back into the office and got ready then walked with the oxi meter and oxygen... my pulse still raced but with increasing the amount of oxygen from 2 to 4 my oxygen level while walking stayed at around 95.
So... the news I have been DREADING every since I got this diagnoses... "I will now be on oxygen 24 hours a day for my lifetime" Just writing that brings tears to my eyes!!

Please understand what I am going to say.. don't think badly of me, don't think I am totally shallow because I really am not.
But......
I am humiliated. I am embarrassed. I feel like I have failed. That makes me Vain. Vanity has never been a problem for me. I never had to wear makeup everyday. I am alright if I have a little gray showing. Obviously with my weight I still can feel pretty good about myself until I stare into a full length mirror.

I don't want to be a weakling. I don't want to be looked at like I am less than anyone else.
When I was using oxygen only at night, I could put on a persona that I was doing "not so bad". I had a hard time even letting Bill see me with my cannula on.
My perception of seeing someone with oxygen takes me right back to seeing my parents weak and needing help to breath. It makes me think someone is fragile.
I DON"T WANT THAT TO BE ME!!! Without the cannula people who know me, knew I had Copd/Emphysema but it wasn't foremost in their minds all the time. With a cannula and the noise of the portable concentrator that is the first thing they will think of now when they see me.

She (my Primary Care Dr) will call my pulmonologist Monday and discuss what to do next. She said he will surely want to see me and adjust treatment and discuss what's in store for the future. Also Monday is when the oxygen company is bringing over the smaller concentrator's for me to use outside, in the car, at stores... You know .. "PUBLIC"

I am taking a few days to sulk and feel sorry for myself. I think I deserve that. Then it's back to obeying doctors, trying to keep a positive frame of mind. And now I have a new sense of urgency. I want to do things I have always wanted to, no more putting things off. I don't want to miss one chance to let Brittney know how important she is to me, and how strong I think she is. That had always been my biggest fear... is how will she cope with me not being around anymore. I know she will be just fine. I want to do memorable things with Layla. We are starting swimming lessons next Thursday. At least she is, I will be on the side lines every time cheering her on! I want to do some family camp trips this summer. I want to take lots of pictures, write meaningful blogs that those closest to me can maybe find comfort in later. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think or worry about Bill. He would be lost and lonely for a while. But, I really think he would find someone quickly. He is a social guy.

I forgot to tell you.... Right before she told me about the lifetime of oxygen she asked me if my outlook had gotten any better, if the anti-depressants were working? I said YES, I feel more positive than I had in a long time. Ironic isn't it?!

I am talking like I am dying. Nope! I am just being realistic. I know especially once the oxygen starts being increased, and now is used 24 hours, that it means my disease is progressing faster than I thought. I really thought I had years to go before this would happen. I just was not prepared on Friday afternoon.

Now to life in general..... Bill left this morning for Idaho to see his daughter and grandkids. He'll be gone about a week. After yesterday, neither one of us were sure if he would go or not? I'm glad he left. This will give me time to get used to this public oxygen stuff, and the break will do us both good.

I mentioned yesterday or the day before that I sorted out all the recipes I am going to add to the cookbook. Today I made 3 of them. The house smelled SO good. I sent most of it home with Brittney, for her and Fernando. I did too much today though. I could tell. This morning I went and got my nails done. Went and dropped off a few things at Brittneys, then brought Layla home with me.... Fed her lunch and then started cooking.

I baked a dump cake first. YUM!! Then I made Mexican Spoon Bread (Cornbread, Cheese, and Green Chili's).. I can't begin to tell you how good the house smelled. While that was in the oven I started frying bacon for the Corn Chowder... that just added a entirely overdosing aroma of smells around here! Even Layla who had been playing came in and begged for bacon. I was laughing out loud at her, she was like a junkie needing a fix... when I gave her a piece she said... "You're a lifesaver grandma"! LOL Anway.. Then I made the Corn Chowder and was done. It was just a long time in the kitchen, and No.. I didn't have any oxygen on. I did once in a while come in and put the cannula on for short periods of time.
I am exhausted tonight. I didn't sleep much last night and we got up early for Bill to leave this morning, so.. I am going to try and post the recipes then it's off to bed for me.