Designer Oxygen bags

So, it's been 8 days since I was told about a lifetime of oxygen.. And it's actually been since Thursday May 6th that I picked up the "tanks" and nifty backpack they go into. Of course, I had to get rid of the backpack as soon as I got home. If I have to wear a cannula, then the oxygen tank will go in a designer bag. I will keep the backpack (icky thing) in my car for those times I need to be hands free, but besides that it stays in my bags.

I have worn it always in the car, but only into 3 public places. And, those times only places that aren't very crowded. I have to get used to wearing it. I have to get over the fear I have that people will treat me different if I have it on. DUH!!! OF COURSE THEY WILL!! I would be fooling myself to think that they wouldn't. With my parents I looked differently at both of them... Like they were more fragile, less mobile... just different. It takes a while to get over the "wisps" it makes when I breath in.

I don't know?? Truthfully, other people probably take it better than I do. My perception of myself is at an all time low. I have begun to gain weight again. As soon as I started worrying about new health issues... I gave in and ATE.

The new testing has started. More labs on Thursday and a Mammogram. Friday at 6:00 A.M. I had a contrast CT Scan. Who the hell schedules a test @ 6:00 A.M.?? I have an appointment Thursday with my pulmonologist. I'll find out about all the testing then.
There is no need for me to be worried, is there? I am sure that there is more lung damage... otherwise my oxygen would not be doing this dropping business. I am sure also that it is effecting my heart and that is why my pulse is so high. Besides the fact I have gained weight.
I get a little worried being optimistic, because everytime I am... the sky falls on me.

Bill got home from Idaho yesterday. When he commented about my oxygen... he only said.. "it'll get better and you won't need it someday". I wanted to scream, then pull out my hair and his too!! He just refuses to get it, and it just makes me feel like more of a loser when he has these unreachable expectations of me!!
I am sure in his own way he is thinking he is being supportive and trying to say all the right things. What is really happening is... I feel like he isn't listening to me. I feel like he ignores me when I talk about being so scared. I feel alone in this. I need him to GET IT and realize that I need support. We need to live in the real world instead of this make believe land where everything is always O.K..
Anyway... Wanted to check in, I know it's been a few days. I told you I need a few days to throw my tantrum and get used to the new addidition.