Can Patience be learned?

I went to Weight Watchers on Tuesday and ..... Gained .8 pounds.  I don't know how?  I ate only small portions, I drank water, I ate vegetables, I didn't indulge.  How frustrating!  The only thing (big thing) I can think of is I have been constipated since being put on my heart medication.  I have been eating very high fiber, even taking fiber pills and nothing.  I went to the pharmacist and she suggested a laxative for me, which I have taken twice with No results.  So, Tuesday afternoon and again this morning I took laxative pills that Bill bought me.  Generic over the counter, run of the mill laxatives and they are working.  I will continue to take them every other day.  I will not be one of those who lose weight with laxatives, but I will not be one to suffer either.  I will do better with my weight loss.

I have renewed my commitment and REMEMBERED my reason to lose weight steadily and healthily and as rapid as possible.  I finally get it.  To get a lung transplant they match the lung size to body size.  Of course the smaller I am the greater my chances of getting a lung from a bigger group.  The lungs must be able to accommodate and be a vital part of the body they are going into.  If the body is too big for the lungs to handle you have failure, you have rejection.  It is much better to place too big of lungs into a smaller body than vice-versa.  So... It's losing I go. 

I thought about it and thought about it and for my own peace of mind I called my pulmonologist's nurse.  She has handled me most visits, except where explanation or bad news was to be given.  She is a doll.  When she returned my call I first asked for renewal prescriptions for Spiriva and Advair, and she said she would fax them in.  Then I gently asked if she had any information on the transplant.  She said that I need patience, that this will take some time.  So, remembering what my doctor told me that he wants me to be seen before winter I will call again in a few weeks, and then I will just ask her to have patience with me and to keep me posted on ANY progress, even just drop me a note, or leave me a message or shoot me any email. 
I don't think that is being too pushy.  I heard the word transplant over a month ago and have not heard of any progress.  I will be patient, but I expect a few little answers every once in a while. 

Hanging around waiting is fine, if they tell me it will take months.  But that is not what the Dr. said.  He said "by winter".  It's October.  I can do the hanging out with Copd/Emphysema thing.  I have that down to a science now.  I have a few new symptoms to report.   I am definitely having pain sometimes pretty intense in my right lung.  It is manageable right now with what pain meds I have the worse time seems to be when I lay down.  So, at night when I go to bed I raise up with pillows.  I feel like the princess and the pea.  I sometimes am afraid I will roll off the pillows and onto the floor!  LoL
Also, I am developing a small but annoying rattle when I breath.  I can't hear it during the day but at night when it's quiet I hear it, drives me crazy sometimes.

I called yesterday 1 week after my biopsy to find out any information.  Nada.  I really am not "one of those" who are pushy or needy or annoying.  I try so hard to just wait for news.  But, it seems they go weeks and weeks I nothing.  This thyroid issue has been going on since June/July and I still have no answers.  So... I'll wait.
It would just be nice to be able to check this off the list.  It would be nice to find out why my hair suddenly went straight as a board?  It would be nice to know what is making my hair fall out by the handfuls?  Why I have such bad headaches?  Why I have a lump in my throat sometimes, then other times not?  I think if I was walking down the street of a strange town and walked by my brothers, they would not recognize me.  I always had "big" curly hair.  Always.  No matter what I did to it, it would end up big and fuzzy, or at least extremely curly. 

I went to the Optometrists Tuesday.  He wrote me a new prescription and said that it is normal for people suffering with Oxygen saturation problems.  Not only is it effecting everything else, it is aiding in my eyesight getting worse.

Can you tell I am frustrated?  I am trying so hard not to be.  I would love nothing better than to get up every morning, untangle my O2 tubing from covers and sheets and try not to trip over it while I put the bottoms on to my pajamas and wander out to get coffee, and be able to just sit down and watch the news without beginning to think who might I hear from today?  What phone call can come in today that may or may not be bad news, that may or may not mean I can begin to think about transplant without being told to be patient?  I just want to live with my Copd or get on with things. 
This thyroid issue in limbo is one thing.  The transplant is another.  I feel like I am leasing my life, like it's not really mine.  That I have no control, and at a whim someone can pull a string and in a flash my life could change forever.  Having brief moments like that is one thing... living daily like that I am not sure I can do.  Oh... I have to do it.  There is no option.  I have to come up with a way to balance daily life, and what lies in my future that is totally out of my control???  It's very easy for people to say... "don't dwell on it", "what will be, will be", "you can't control your future".  Everything else I have heard over and over again... and they are just words.  It doesn't change anything. 

I picked a fight with Bill tonight.  Just because I was frustrated.  That poor man needs a get away.  He didn't sign up for this, I know that's what "you do" when you love someone is put up with their moods, or illness.  It's what you're "supposed to do", I am not sure I would be strong enough to put up with me and my ever changing moods, not to mention all the new "duties" he now has that I can no longer do.  Ugh  Anyway, I need to find a way to let him know how much I appreciate him. 

I am turning into the "crazy canning" lady.  First it was plum sauce, then rose hips, then different plum sauce, now it's salsa.  I think this is my 2nd batch.  I have SO many tomatoes left (which reminds me to go look for a spaghetti sauce canning recipe) that I'd better do something with them quick.  I also am making pickled garlic and canning it.  It will be mostly a gift for Britt for Christmas.  It is better than it sounds.  Once pickled it actually is fairly mild tasting.

I am off to bed now.  I wish for myself a better tomorrow.  I wish for myself more patience and strength to get through the day.