As I live and breathe

I haven't wanted to blog much the last week or so. Actually sometimes coming here and putting down my feelings or talking about my symptoms is cathartic, lately I come here begrudgingly. Sometimes it's just facing things I am trying not to think about, and sometimes it's just feeling like I am perpetually moaning and bitching.

I have had a 9 days to think about the "nodule" thing. It makes sense to me. It would account for my inability to draw a deep breath. Also, sometimes swallowing feels funny... not painful, just odd. She tells me the Thyroid can effect a lot of different things, I can live without knowing about them. It seems with each "new" thing I have I start feeling symptoms. If I don't know about the symptoms then maybe recognizing the symptoms won't be so easy.
I liked it before when I thought swallowing was odd, and not getting a deep breath was just my Emphysema acting up. I don't want to become one of those people who are waiting for symptoms to show up and every little hic-up means something else to them. I prefer to think I am healthy with a few genetic imperfections! LoL
That is my land of Denile and I will happily hand out passports to anyone who wants to come stand beside me!

We are getting ready to go this weekend to put a plaque where we scattered my mom's ashes. We are meeting my big brother and his girlfriend. I miss him and it will be so nice to spend a few days with him.
I sometimes feel pretty lonely. Even though Bill is here and Brittney is now living back in town. I know Bill is annoyed by me, and Brittney is busy with her new relationship and getting her house set up and going to school. I am happy for Brittney, it's just that we used to talk everyday, confide in each other about EVERYthing. These days, not so much. I don't want to burden her. I don't want to make her feel responsible for me.
Hell, I don't even let Bill know I still am scared as hell with each new diagnoses. I know (and hold it against him) that he still blames me for getting sick. He mentions it in different ways every so often that I am responsible for my health issues. DUH! I wish he would or could move past that and LET IT GO! I wish he could just deal with and help me deal with my anxiety and moments of depression, and every other thing that goes along with this ugly disease. Instead he closes himself off. He talks to other people about it, I hear him on the phone. But he won't talk to me. I sometimes feel like I am alone.
So, having a new someone who I know loves me around (my brother) will be awesome for a few days.

Anyway, this will be my first trip with oxygen. So days in advance I had to order oxygen to take with me. Now that I am on 5 liters those small tanks go quickly, about 2.5 hours each. And, the bigger ones I will use in the car for the drive up and back and then I will take my home concentrator with me for the room. What a pain this is. It will also be the first time anyone else in my family will see me with my cannula. I know what that first glimpse is like. I remember seeing my Dad and my Mom for the first time wearing a cannula. It is scary thinking they are sicker than they are letting on, it's awkward because you can't help but gawk at it. It just takes getting used to. I can now walk almost everywhere in our house with it. There are still a few places the hose won't reach and I still once in a while forget.. It is those moments that snap my neck back, stretch my ears and nose and then make me laugh. I am getting used to seeing myself with it on. I am getting used to explaining to people why I have to wear it. It took some time, but I am over it now. It's still a little hard to feel "pretty" or attractive with it on. I can put on make up and still the cannula is there. Now, because I have worn it so much there are permenant lines on my cheeks from the hose wrapping around my ears.

I watch shows like Oprah and these women are on there talking about how wonderful life is in their 50's. That they have never felt more confident, pretty and satisfied. Well... I won't have those days. I look back now to find those days of mine. Days when I felt attractive, Days when I felt confident, Days when I felt I could physically do whatever I wanted or needed. All that is behind me.
And, I am NOT looking for people to say... You are still pretty. I don't need that stroke to my ego. I just know the pure living days are behind me. That what I am facing now and in my future are different. And, each plateau I reach is different from the last.

So, more now than every I have to like me. I told Britt today I am not so much worried about losing weight and being in a swim suit or fitting into skinny jeans. No one every looked healthy skinny or fat with a cannula, so I may as well have something I enjoy. Of course the last week I can actually say my appitite isn't what it was. And, with summer coming diet or not I am sure some weight will come off. But, I am not longer going to worry about it, or fret that I am in the "big girls" section of the clothing store. I still am eating healthy. Still eating a lot of veggies and colored foods. But, I also am eating butter and heavy creams in sauces.

I'll check in when we get back.