Smile, no one will know why! ;)

I tell myself everyday to see the bright spot. To look (search if necessary) for the positive. It has been so hard this week. I had one awesome day this week. I played in the flowers, I baked, I went through old things that brought back wonderful memories. Then....... I found an email my mom sent me in 1999. It was her "just in case" will. It was her, "getting her house in order" list. I had forgotten I had it.

I was the executor of her will and I forgot about this email! After her death things became really ugly with my step-father and his kids (well some of his kids). My mother had made it clear over the years that my step-sisters were to receive NOTHING of hers. At times when she would say that it was almost embarrassing... she was quite vocal at times. :) I loved her for it.. and it even became a joke to my step-dad and brothers and I that mom had told us... "One of these days I am going to start speaking my mind"! We all laughed because what the heck had she been doing all these years??? LoL

So the other day when I found this list of hers I wanted to SCREAM! I wanted to find my step father and RUB IT IN HIS FACE! I asked him for my mothers craft things. We spent overnight trips going to fabric stores in every town we found. We went to classes on applique and beading and tole painting and clay and scrap booking... so many other things. And, like any woman the more "supplies" we had the better we were! LoL We had each bought several hundred dollars worth of glass beads of every color and size.
I told him mom told me I could have her craft things with no exceptions. I tried to remind him as gently as I could that mom did not want his girls to have ANYTHING of hers. I was more than happy to share with my sister in law... but not his kids.

As it turned out most of it he gave to his daughters. I asked for my moms recipes and was told that I could have ONE box. She had several boxes, and was the best cook and entertainer. So, I took my grandmothers recipe box. If nothing else I wanted that to stay in our family. He gave the rest to his daughters.
So many other things.

In this letter that I have now it spells out all of this plus much more. Since his oldest son is also co-executor of their split estate I am going to send him a copy of this list with a letter from me. The problem I have is that I am for the most part a push over, and he is an attorney. Not exactly the perfect match up. I promised my brothers I would hold my ground.

It just really takes it out of me when I get stressed or overly excited lately. After I found that email I cried and had a tizzy and was wiped out! I went to bed @ 7:00 that night and have not recovered yet. Mom died almost 2 years ago, and I am still struggling with it. Having to continue to fight for her things just makes it that much harder, and frankly I am not sure I have much more fight in me?

The good thing is.. I know his son (I am not using any names) to be very fair. My step father is 92 years old and while other people blame his behavior on his age, I don't accept that explanation or excuse. He has told stories to my mom's sisters about me, saying terrible untruth's. I cannot forgive him for that. He and my mom were together for 30+ years and I was young when they married. He was like a 2nd father to me and I feel abandoned and hurt that he turned on me.

Enough of that!

Today I went in for my ultra-sound. The technician said it was near my clavicle and appeared to be both solid and fluid filled. I am not sure what that means. I do know that I am experiencing some effects of it. I am not sure what all the symptoms involve. What I can tell is... it bothers me more and more to swallow, still not painful... just like I have a lump in my throat! (oh my god! LoL Duh!) I am finding it hard to take deep breaths. When I do get out of breath I have to step back and calm myself down before I can get air into my lungs. Not a good feeling.

The tech said after the radiologist read the test results they would send them to my doctor. Of course I probably won't hear until my appointment with her which is the 8th of July... so No Need To Worry. Repeat that over and over as necessary! LoL
I look forward to the day that I can just worry about Copd and nothing else. I think that would be enough for anyone. Lately it's just too much happening too often. I can't get balanced.

I will get this thing with Mom's estate settled one way or the other, then I will get this Thyroid problem fixed, ignored or removed... then I can get on with daily life and small hurdles. In the mean time I find myself back on the roller-coaster wanting so badly to get off!

Think happy thoughts!