Compromises

Once in a while I will ask Bill to read this blog. He always says he will, but doesn't and probably won't. I want him to understand that I am still a person who for as long as I can wants to have independence. He has been bothered lately by my breathing issues. He talked with his doctor (not sure what kind of Dr??) at the V.A. clinic about my Thyroid. I am not sure what this doctor told him, but by the way he talks after this surgery all my breathing problems will be over and I won't need my cannula's anymore, my energy will come back, and I will be able to sleep at night.
I haven't talked to my doctor since the ultra-sound so ... first of all I am not sure what if anything they have planned to do about it? I am not sure why I am so irritated by him and his positiveness??? But I am. Maybe it's because he is jumping the gun, maybe it's because he is wishful thinking (which he has never verbalized before), or maybe it's because throughout all of this I refuse to let myself day dream about being better. That way I am not disappointed. It sounds terrible to always expect the worse, but this way I am very seldom disappointed or surprised.

I got sidetracked... what's new?! LoL I was going to talk about independence. This afternoon around 4:00 Bill went in and laid down in the bedroom to watch "his" shows and be in front of the air conditioner. I played online for a while, then went in to do the dishes and make coffee for in the morning and realized we were out of coffee. So, I looked around and made a small grocery list, got my handbag with my oxygen in it (it never leaves anymore) and picked up the keys and left. Thinking I would be about 1/2 hour tops. I strolled through the store and got up to the check out and couldn't find my wallet! I was embarrassed, and told the young man I was sorry but I thought I left my wallet at home and I would be right back if he could please sit my stuff to the side. No problem! Out to my SUV I went. I got in, out of breath, sat there for a minute to catch my breath and saw my wallet on the floor of the car. So being irritated anyway I took of my cannula left my purse in the car, took my wallet and went back into the store. 20 minutes later after waiting in line again I paid for my 2 bags of groceries and went back to the car just in time for my cell phone to quit ringing. Out of breath again and irritated now because Bill is calling checking up on me I put my cannula back on, turn on the air conditioner, gather my breath and start driving home. About 3 blocks from the house Brittney calls me ... We are not supposed to talk on cell phones and I hate too! So... I pick up the phone and answer it! LoL I kind of piss-ily tell her I know her dad called her, I am fine, just went to the store and am almost home, now I am on my cell phone I'll talk to you later!
I pull up in front of our house and my phone rings again... It's Bill! I answer, he says "WHERE ARE YOU????"!!! Now I am irritated because I am out of breath from the entire ordeal anyway, and he is making it worse by stressing me for NO reason... so I say.. "I am in front of the house" and hang up. He grumbles and tells me from now on I "Can't leave the house without either telling him where I am going, or leaving him a note telling where I am and when I'll be home"!

I am a 48 year old woman. One dam trip to the store is not going to kill me. At worse it will just be slow, and I have my phone, I am NOT STUPID ... If I need help I can call.
O.K. ... I know it's nice to have someone worry, but really? I feel like I am giving up all control, all independence. I worked and was a professional woman my entire life, I never had to account for my where-abouts to anyone. I always let Bill know if I was going to be late, or if I went somewhere he knew. But, I also could make a run to the store without permission!

The more irritated I get now the harder my breathing is. The more I have to raise my voice the more out of breath I get. If we are in a room of people and I have to talk loud... you might as well forget it... I will be whispering within a few minutes! I am not sure if this is the Thyroid thing, or the Copd? I have noticed that when Bill and I have arguments I struggle for air. Heck, even singing a Little Mermaid song with Layla makes me gasp for air!

I am most likely over-reacting about this... but I am just not ready to give up being an adult and being treated like a teenager. Bill and I will have to have a conversation and come up with something that we both are O.K. with.

Tomorrow's another day! ;)