Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Separation hurts everyone

I have little words to say that will ease pain or make anyone  feel better.

Bill and I seem to be doing fine today.  We even talked about the split of furniture, T.V.'s, dining table... household things that we have acquired over a lifetime together.  We watched T.V. and even laughed during dinner.  We both understand that it's over, and seem to have almost come to terms with it.

Still when I think of not seeing him everyday, or having him move away and out of my life forever seems unbearable.  I can't have it both ways.

Brittney told Layla tonight and Layla called gasping/bawling and wanted to talk to her Papa.  Britt told her that Grandma is moving out of the house and Papa will move away in a couple years.  She said it will be like when they were in Idaho.  Only Brittney isn't handling it well either.

This is on me.  It was my decision that our "marriage" or being a couple had gone on long enough.  I told Britt that I put this off while she was in school so she wouldn't have a broken home.  I put this off after she moved out because I was afraid to be alone.  I feel like if I don't stand up for myself now I will be lost forever.  I am NOT being dramatic.  That is how I feel.  I told her I would be giving up the rest of my life if I didn't leave now.

Unfortunately, My needs are hurting my family.  Funny how to save myself I have to cause pain to those around me who I love the most.  I told Bill today I will always love him and care about him.  I want to see him happy and living life like he always wanted to.  I also want us to remain friends.  Is that asking too much?

All I know is hearing Layla on the phone tonight and trying to reassure her broke my heart into tiny pieces.  Then after Brittney got Layla calmed down and into bed she called me and told me she doesn't blame me but she feels like a child having her parents split up and it is breaking her.  She'll get through it.  We all will.

I go to HUD in the morning to see if I can get any housing.  I'll let you know.  The sooner this can be resolved I think the better for all of us.
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