Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Friday, December 17, 2010

Used goods

With Britt's help, we got all the Christmas baking done and all but 2 shipped and given away.  Whew!  Glad to get those cookies out of site.  Well, Bill kept his bag of cookies and it's in the cupboard.  I still haven't eaten any... but have been temped.  I am keeping the goal in mind. 

If I can stay on track... this week should be a 3 or 4 pound loss on Tuesday.  I have really been watchful and have not allowed myself to indulge late nights.  There have been 2 nights that I felt like I couldn't live without something before I went to bed.  One night I ate 4 ounces of lean turkey breast, and the other night I ate an apple.  See, I can survive without bowls of cereal, or peanut butter sandwiches.  Who knew?  LoL

I think I have mentioned my newly found absent-mindedness?  To the point of worry almost.  Honestly, I can in the smallest way identify with the elderly.  I make appointments and forget them.  I put things away and can't find them.  I pay things and forget I did.  The latest is... every Christmas Eve I buy everyone Christmas jammies and they open them on Christmas Eve then we all have them on opening presents the next morning.  Well, this year I bought Layla's along with a book that I read (record) for her and put both in my dresser.  I know where they are, still right where I put them.  However... I wrapped Bill and Britt's along with all of our other presents and put them under the tree.  This morning Bill came out only to find me ass up and head under the tree.  I can't remember which presents are the jammies.  So... Off to the store I went to buy new ones.  So, they will just get 2 pair of jammies this year.  LOL
It is frustrating.  I joke about it, but it really is frustrating.  Bill and I even argue over me forgetting something important, or forgetting that I said something, or missed appointments.  It just is not like me.  I have always been the one to be on time, to be organized, and to keep everyone else on track.  Not so anymore.

The last 3 days I have went one place or the other, but each time I have run out of oxygen and had my lungs burn before I got back home.  The headaches I used to get are back again, and I know it's from lack of oxygen.  To be in the middle of a store and know my oxygen is out, but also know that in order to get a new bottle I will have to walk all the way out there... do the exchange then walk all the way back into the store.  So, I just go without until I am done shopping.  This may be the time to realize that it would be easier if I didn't go by myself. 

I am tired of being a bother to someone else because I want to do something.... or because I can't do something.  Bill and I got in a small but memorable argument yesterday, like all couples do.  However, he said something about "waiting on me hand and foot".... which is B.S... .but the fact he mentioned it tells me he is getting tired of this... and it is just beginning.  We have a long downhill road ahead of us.  I know on his part it must be frustrating.  And, O.K.!!!!  I'll give him credit for needing to vent also.  But, it just makes me feel like I am a burden.  I am a burden now, and my future means it will get worse.  What are my options?  Leave?  Get an apartment on my own?  He wouldn't go for that.  He would say I am being dramatic. 

Here I am doing much more than I had been.  I actually once a week or so will go downstairs and do laundry and pack it back up the stairs.  It may sound small, but to me it's like running a marathon.  I am losing weight so I have more energy.  I am keeping myself motivated by riding a bike 9 miles at least 4 times a week. I am doing all I can to better myself.  I just am such a baby, it's hard for me to hear things like that. 

This is the ugly part of this disease.  Losing freedom.  Not only that but being questioned about everything because my memory is getting bad.  I hate this.  I ran my own company, ran work crews and had 150 rentals to look after... and now I can't be trusted to go to the store, or take a phone message. 
How does one cope with this?  How do I accept the fact that without my intending to I am irritating Bill enough so he finds it necessary to complain about taking care of me?? 

It really does bring out the flight part of me.  In my thinking, I don't want to be a burden to ANYONE.  Yes, my family loves me and is willing to care for me.  But I will not be someones anchor.  I refuse to be looked at like work. 

It's these moments I feel like used and damaged goods.

5 comments:

Giulia said...

"It's these moments I feel like used and damaged goods." Then let's hope "these moments" are few and far between. Like smoking thoughts - don't dwell on them. They'll pass by sooner. Where we put our heads is where our thoughts and thus - feelings take us. It's not what you can't do, it's what you CAN do that should be the motivating force.
And if you're running out of oxygen - then bring two bottles with you into a store.

How do you cope with it? I would think one day at a time. Like everybody else - whatever their walk may be in life. We're all coping with something in different degrees. The object is to take the learning through the digestion into the wisdom and thus transform us into a higher spiritual being.

A bunch of blather that really doesn't help your situation at all. But it sounded pretty good, didn't it! lol

Kellie said...

LoL Yes, it did sound good. It's good advice. These moments don't happen often, but I really some days do run out of the ability to look at the good and attainable.

Thank god they don't last long! And, I am thankful as always to have a friend like you to nudge me back into place.

Spunkie said...

Giulia you always know what to say and as Kellie's friend I thank u.

Oh Kellie you are so much more than your illness NEVER let it make you feel less than you are.
Hugs.

I turned 63 and boy tell me about energy and memory Wheeeeeee !!!
Love you and Mery Christmas

Nancy said...

Hi Kellie..still can not find you on face book, could you please send me the link? Please find me...?

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001034571137

Giulia said...

Nobody could have said it better than Spunkie "you are so much more than your illness." Oh yeah.