Walking into a new and brighter life.

Walking into a new and brighter life.

The healthy me

The healthy me

Finding your way around

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This I know.................

This I know.................

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas and New Years Wishes




Today is December 26th and I am tired.  Layla is spending the night tonight and I can tell I need a few days off.  I have a short fuse, and she really is a good girl and doesn't need a Grandma around that gets pissy for no reason.  I try so hard.  I gave myself a time out tonight and went into the bedroom and watched T.V. alone for about 20 minutes. 

I am not sure if it is this illness, or medication or menopause ... or all three, that makes me anxious, intolerable of noise or over stimulation.  I just feel like I will have an anxiety attack if I don't get away.  I am like that with arguments or fights too.  I just can't take it.  Maybe it's blood pressure?  I dunno.

Wednesday and Thursday of this week I go to the hospital (not checked in, just there) for my nuclear stress tests.  I have no idea what they entail?  I know a treadmill and IV's are part of it.  Sounds like a party!!  LOL

I hope it will tell the Dr.'s what the problem is with my heart.  My pulse is just getting out of hand.  I take it now at least twice a day at different times each day to try and get an idea of an average.
The doctor finds this very interesting.  LOL  It has only been below 100 a handful of times and those times are always when I first wake up, or if I have been sitting for quite some time.  It usually stays around 105 until I do ANY cardio, or actually even walking around the house ... then it climbs to 130+.  The Dr. told me to not let it get above 150 for extended periods unless I am sweating working out, which hardly ever happens.

I can ride the bike 9 miles and not break a sweat, then come home and vacuum and sweat. 

So... the Christmas pictures... I was going to re-do the ones with me in them, or a few of them... because I didn't color my hair and should not have worn that red turtle neck... bad choices.  But... the hair is me now... mostly gray.  I am wondering if I should just go get it striped with fine lines of gray to make the natural gray taking over look better? 
It is so dark and my gray is very silver so the contrast is a lot.  Bill says no... he says that I am not even 50 yet so keep coloring it to make me feel better.  Really, my self esteem is low so I am not sure what a little color would do?   Most the time my hair is down, but today I was playing with new facial stuff I got for Christmas when Layla arrived, so my hair was pulled up and in a ponytail.
She asked me when I got gray?  lol  Bless the child's heart... I just told her I always was she just didn't notice.  Then she said that it was because I was sick.  Probably... this year was a tad stressful.  Have I told you I will be glad to get rid of 2010 and move onto 2011.  Maybe I shouldn't be in such a hurry huh?

I joked with Bill and Brittney that I must be sicker than the doctors are telling me and maybe they heard something I didn't because I got very nice things for Christmas... they didn't think I was funny.

I have beginning to struggle with depression again.  It began before Christmas.  I am aware of it, and am doing my best not to dwell on things and I am trying to let family issues go.  Not so easy.
My step parents and my step sister are being not so nice to me or my brothers.  My brothers aren't aware of most of it, for some reason I can't not think about them or how they are disrespecting my mom and dad.  I know none of this makes sense to anyone reading this... there is so much history I won't go into... it just is painful.

I have also been not following my eating program or exercising for a week.  I know this weigh in at Weight Watchers will show a gain.  I must get control of myself and get back on track.  One week won't kill me, it will just set back my progress.

I have goals for the coming year.  I still have no idea about surgery.  So I am planning things...
-I want to take Layla and Britt to Disneyland over their Spring Break.  Our best friend and his wife live in Long Beach, Bill and he were firemen together, and I miss them.  I want to take about a week and a half and just RELAX... not think about being sick... or testing... or medication adjustments... or anything and just RELAX!
- I want desperately for Bill and I to get away even if for the weekend and go to the Coast and just be still together.  We need that. 
- I need to finish my will... hopefully before the surgery.  I want everything to go to Brittney and I am afraid that if I don't get it written legally, Brittney will go through what I did with her step sisters and Bill.  I hope Bill would be fair.  But I tell you strange things happen to people when someone they love dies.  Bill's girls never really liked me and never came to see us or sent cards or anything... once in a while a call but that's about it.  I have repeatedly told Britt I will leave it up to her to hand out my things as SHE sees fit.  She knows what will be special to her and what she can part with.  And, I tell you..... When my mom died all her things became the world to me.  Not because value... because quite frankly there wasn't that much of value... but they were hers.  She loved them and they made her feel good to have them around, so I wanted them.  Sadly, they went mostly elsewhere.
- LOL  To not let outside influences bother me so much.  Such as things I have no control over; ie... Ex parents and step sisters and family break ups.  These things torment me and I need to find a way to put it all in my past.
- To continue with my exercise and eating healthy and losing weight.  I have my goal set at 150.  I am hoping 2011 will be the year I do this for myself. 
---- I would say ..... "To take better care of myself", but oddly enough once I got diagnosed with a incurable disease I started taking the best care of myself I ever have.  Funny how illness makes you stand up and pay attention!  Ridiculous!

Brittney (my lovely thoughtful daughter) bought me 2 books and wrote a note to me about HOPE.  The books are ... Eat, Pray, Love ... and ... BLINK (the power of thinking without thinking).  It touched me that she is worried about my ability to have hope.  It also worried me a bit.  LOL  I don't want, and have tried so hard to not let this process and disease be a burden to her.  She wants to go to Dr. visits with me.  She is now wanting to switch majors and go into Respiratory Medicine. 
I think this has touched her more than I thought.

It's hard to want to protect her, and to have her not worry about me, and then have her hear all the Dr.'s words.  She is a young woman who has drive and determination and who used to see that in her mom.  Anymore, she takes the lead in situations that I used to take care of.

An example of my struggle with memory and thought process.  For Christmas I got an IPOD.  I asked Brittney to come over and show me how to upload music, set playlists etc... she said "Mom, I can't believe you need help with this.  What has happened to you?  You used to be so tech savy?"!!
It took me by surprise, but so many parts of my life are like that now.  Areas that I once felt comfortable and competent, now... I am scared and unsure.  It worries me actually. 
It seems to have come on quickly, and is continually getting worse.  My memory issues now have Bill standing up and taking notice and commenting his concern on. 
All these things put together just make me feel fearful and unsure. 

There are moments that I can almost feel what it is like for an Alzheimer's patient or an elderly person suffering from dementia.  It's like I know something that is right there within reach, then it goes and I can't recall it.  Things such as the computer I used to be so familiar with, now I forget or am so unsure.  
Sometimes going out by myself worries me.  Such as when I ran out of oxygen at the store last week or the week before?  I knew that if I walked all the way out to the car to exchange bottles then I would have to walk all the way back to where ever I would leave my full cart... it was just a reminder that I am not the self sufficient woman I was not long ago.
It is a reminder of what I have actually lost this year!
It makes me scared to imagine what I could lose this coming year?
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