Shopping, Constipation and self pity

I did some Christmas shopping today with Layla.  I just bought a few Wii games for Brittney and Fernando and a couple things for Bill.  Just being out at 2 stores and I am wiped out.

A funny story.  Evidently, Bill told Layla that for every dollar she saves he will match it and then take her shopping for her mom and Fernando and her grandma.  So... (remember I took Layla with me today to buy gifts).... Tonight Britt calls me and says... um mom... "did you get me a Zumba for Christmas?"  I didn't say anything... she says.... "Layla came to me and said... do you like Zumba?  I'll bet you $5.00 that you'll get one for Christmas!"  LoL!!

Britt said it was the funniest thing ever... she said Layla was asking to pick up dog poo for $$, to mop the floors for $$, to rake up pine needles for $$.  She told her mom that whatever she makes her Papa will double it.  So she said... "Mom if you give me $300.00 then Papa will give me $600.00."
I think we have a new C.E.O. for Fannie Mae or Freddy Mac!  lol  The child is 6!  lol  Any way, Britt and I got quite a laugh out of it, and Britt asked if she could use her Zumba.  Ugh... NO, not till Santa brings it to her.

I have blown my diet/healthy eating/weight loss progress.  I need to re-do my entire program.  I won't even write down any excuses, because with each wrong choice I made I knew it.  I could have just as easily eaten something else.

My only defense is... not feeling well, not having enough energy to cook my own meals and make sure they are lean proteins and lots of colorful veggies.
The only good thing I can say is that I have been eating so many fruits that I should be changing colors to pink or purple.  I am having such a difficult time with constipation.  I am now eating about 3 ounces of berries (either blackberries or raspberries) a night, and 2-2.5 ounces of raisins a day.  Just that you would think would work.  Plus taking 4 Dulcolax a day... 2 in the morning and 2 at night.

I have had some bowel movements, but I am just bloated beyond belief.
I feel like everything is so out of control.  My body is just turning against me.  I remember this spring I felt so good.  I was losing weight.  I was exercising regularly.  I was feeling better.

Then I began to have chest pain, quit exercising, my body began to rebel against digestion and my weight loss halted.

Right there tells me my answer.  I know what it is.  I don't want to utter these words......
I just have lost faith that I can do this.  I am afraid to push my body because the fall out pain is getting worse.  
I am comforting myself with food, which I know is a No No!  It just makes all things worse.  It makes my breathing more labored, it makes my self esteem low, it makes my determination go away and my goal of surgery or transplant out of reach.

I feel like I did when I was a smoker.  I know all the right things to do to get to my goal... I am just failing at doing what's right.

It's easy to say.... "I am sick therefore I can't exercise"  It's easy to make valid excuses why I can't do these things, or why they are so hard.

I understand that for me those excuses are crap... I am stronger than that and I CAN do it.  I can reach my goal.  I just have to dig deep and understand that even if I can't exercise then I need to cut my food intake way down.  I will not lay down and die.  And actually by not continuing with my weight loss, that is what I am doing.  I am still at 196.  I am 5'4".  They want my BMI to be at 30%.  I will buy a scale that shows my BMI and work toward that mark.

The thing is... (which may explain why I keep sabotaging myself) I am afraid of surgery.  Yes, my breathing is bad and getting worse.  But I am still alive.  I can still shop, play cards, hug my daughter and granddaughter.  I am afraid of them doing surgery.  This isn't some little procedure they do.  LVRS... the chance of leakage is great.... the chance of infection is high.  Transplant... well, I will save that for the day that I am laying in bed unable to do anything.

I am so frightened of lung surgeries.  So... even if I get thinner and meet their criteria I still don't want to rush to surgery.  I just want to be ready when MY time comes at MY own pace.  Therefore I have to trudge along and keep losing weight.  I just have to... no argument.

P.S.  This may be the wrong thing to do... but December's Weight Watchers is out for now.  I need to talk to myself.... get my self esteem going in the right direction, and decide to be healthy or lay down and give up.