Bear Claws and Tears

I have been doing better this week (it's only Wednesday!  lol) with my healthy eating.

Well, let me take that back (already) Bill brought home a package of bear claws.  There were 8 in the package, I think I ate 5, maybe 6.  So much for healthy eating.  I am trying to remind him that losing weight for me is not a vanity thing.  It is a have to thing.  In order to have LVRS or transplant I need to be at a healthy weight.  Right now I am not.  So, I asked him nicely if he wants things like that to please feel free... just keep them in his room, or hide them in the back of the frig, at least not right in front for me to see.  I have NO control over things like that.

 I have one day on the trampoline and the other days actively shampooing carpets and unloading boxes of Christmas.

The tree is a goner.  I took my rotating one to Brittney and she has it beautifully decorated in her house.  So, I will be buying a new tree this year.

Layla spent the night last night.  She was such a good girl but it seems she woke up at 4:00 and went and crawled in bed with Papa, so Bill has been up since about 4:30.

Britt called me tonight and told me she got sick this afternoon.  Stomach flu and fever and sore throat.  She was just warning me so I could watch for symptoms and get to the doctor.  Poor thing, I just hate it when she is sick.

Britt told me she is impressed with my immune system.  I really haven't gotten sick often since I was diagnosed.  A few times, but really the doctors are right on top of it.  As soon as I get a sniffle or fever in the blink of an eye I am on anti-biotics and steroids.  Of course I use disinfectant wipes and bleach everywhere.  I am always washing my hands and use a ton of lotion.

I am still struggling to get out of this mood.  I have been spending my nights just heart broken.  I am thinking a lot about mom, anniversaries of death are just terrible.  I always try so hard to forget this, but I can't.  I wonder if it would have be easier if I had gotten to say goodbye?  I just miss her so much.  It took me years to get over the death of my dad.  It was life changing for me.  I got lost for about 3 years.  I didn't know who I was if I wasn't daddy's little "sugar pot".  He always made me feel so special.  It's different with mom.  Maybe because I got sick so soon after her death, that I am dealing with my own mortality too.
It's almost like I am mourning for myself.  I need to snap out of it.  I still am a viable person.  I can do so much.  Sure there are those things that I can't do anymore, but I still have a full life.

I'll work it out.  I think I need to give myself a break, cut Bill some slack and start enjoying Layla more.  That would be an excellent start.