Depression

I have never felt so empty, misunderstood, angry or depressed than the last 3 days.
Yesterday Bill was moping around (it just seems to be a pissing contest over who feels worse... I gave up) and I told him just out of the blue... that I am not happy and asked him if he was?  He looked shocked.  I don't know how he could be surprised.... we hardly speak, he is gone most of the day to god knows where, then comes home... starts drinking then is off to bed by 6:00.

To make a very long a exhausting story short... I told him that I will not live my life like this.  That I take as much responsibility at our failed life as he should, maybe more.  I just don't want to go on like this.  I want to be happy.  To feel loved and safe.  I do not right now, and haven't in a long time.
He didn't have much to say except for it was my fault.  I asked him if he could honestly say he loved me and he never did answer.  He asked me the question and I told him I do at times, but other times I don't even feel like we are friends.  That even roommates would talk more, do more and be kinder to each other.

Yes..... he takes care of the things around the house that I can't.... but honestly I can hire that done.  I do not mean to sound ungrateful because I appreciate everything that he does.  However... there is a price to pay for that, and over the years I have just paid and ignored the fact I was living in a marriage I was not happy in.  Then it got to be habit forming, like a comfortable pair of slippers. Yes, they have holes and flaws, but they always are there to cover you when you need it.

Anyway... I gave in AGAIN this morning and just asked to be loved.  I told him if he couldn't do that to do the right thing and just leave.  The day went on just like every other day.  Him gone, me on the computer, him home with a drink or three and in bed before 7:00.

Then Brittney calls me and tells me I am giving up.  I tried to explain to her that I am not.  There are just some things I can't do. She wanted me to go sledding and I tried to explain I cannot do that with a cannula and hosing around me and my face.  Not to mention being out in the cold and having cold air rush across my face.  She actually got pissy with me and said "Don't say I can't."  Has she not been paying attention to my health????  I GET IT!
I don't give up, and I haven't given in.  I told her that if I were to give in it would be very easy.  I would stay in bed like I feel like doing until 10:00 or 11:00, that I would take naps, I would just sit and not worry about my weight, about getting dressed, about pushing myself to even vacuum my own house.  That just shopping is a OUTING, not just someone running to the store.  She knows all this, she has been to the Pulmonologist with me, and even to the cardiologist.

I am So Above being frustrated at my life that I can no longer hold on alone.  When I see my Primary Care Doctor again at the end of this month or the beginning of Feb. I am asking for a referral to a counselor.  I need to find happiness somehow.  I will never be suicidal, but I can't imagine going on day after day the way I have been.

I love Brittney more than life itself and I don't blame her.  She is trying to do the right thing and push me to do more and keep moving.  It's just right now I feel like if I am pushed I will lose myself.

I went to the Gynecologist yesterday to talk about the results of the ultrasound.  He wants me to see a urologist before anything else is done and go through this certain test.  Well, the only Urologist in Klamath Falls has left, and the nearest town will not take my insurance.  So, he wants me to go to Portland which is about a 8 hour drive from here through the snow and bad weather to have this test.  Then depending on the results either whomever sees me will do surgery on my bladder and then do a hysterectomy or I will be sent home because my bladder problem can't be fixed and he will do the hysterectomy.  Nothing with me is easy.  He said the tumor growing on my enlarged uterus is about the size of a small cantaloupe.  Awesome... remove it and there is weight loss!

I started this P.I.N.K. program and have been doing everything it asks...... except that I eat everything I am not supposed to at night before I go to bed.  Even with that I have lost nearly 5 pounds.  I am trying to be strong and fighting my night cravings.  I'll let you know how that goes.

So... welcomed to my life... wanna run now?