Taking the next step

Bill's birthday was yesterday.  Brittney and I had bought presents and had invited a few friends over for pizza, beer and cake.  Layla wanted to come over early in the morning (they didn't have school Friday) and make her Papa breakfast.  

Thursday afternoon Britt, Fernando and I had been shopping for his birthday.  When she dropped me off back at home is when he informed he was done.  And, I agreed which I think pissed him off more.

Any way... I called Brittney after he closed his bedroom door for the night and told her to make up some excuse for Layla, but considering what took place that day I didn't think having Layla around us being tense and I wasn't even sure we would be speaking would be a good idea.
As it turned out his daughter Lexi called him to say Happy Birthday so I gently opened his door and handed him the phone.... then Priscilla pushed her way in.  Soon after he got up and I wished him Happy Birthday and he seemed fine, almost happy.  Which pissed me off and confused me because my eyes were so swollen from crying all night and I was almost freaking out wondering what would happen the next day.

Then when Britt went to school that day she dropped Layla off for a few hours while she went to school, then she came back at 5:00.

For his birthday he wanted a nice expensive queen sized flocked inflatable air mattress to replace the one we had so when we went camping this summer we could use it.  He drank all day and most the night and was happy and carefree.  Everyone here knew about it, I think he was the only one he fooled.  At one point he grabbed my butt... then opening presents he opened the air mattress and said... this will be great when we all go camping, Kellie and I will sleep good on this.   ?????  I did not make eye contact with anyone. I felt foolish and a little mad.

Less than 24 hours prior to that he told me I was unlovable and he didn't love me, and was SO ready to move on.  Now he was patting my butt making plans for our summer.

So everyone went home, he passed out, Layla spent the night and we stayed up playing cards and watching cartoons.  When we got up this morning I fed Layla and she was playing for a while.  Brittney called and asked if Layla wanted to go home and said she would come get her.

After the kids left almost as the door shut I looked at him and said... we won't be using that air mattress together.  And, I would appreciate if you don't grab my ass anymore.  That nothing has changed and just because he may have sobered up, what was said ... was said for the last time. I told him I wanted so much for us to respect each other and our time together, to be nice to each other, so today was almost pleasant.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with HUD to see about getting a 2 bedroom something that will allow me to keep Priscilla.

I will no longer hear I am used, damaged, deserving of this because I didn't listen to him and quit smoking.  I will no longer be accused of making up illness's or not "pulling my share" around the house.  I want the chance to be happy again.  To prove to myself that I am worth something.

I am in such a confused state.  I have love for Bill.  At one time he was good to me, even when drinking.  Then 15 or more years his drinking became a problem.  He would get confrontational and argue anything.  He would say terrible mean things, then the next day be perfectly find and even get pissy if I suggested he was out of control.  When he was good he was lovable and caring and helpful.  When he was bad, it was abusive.  Never physically, just loud, and mean and scary.

It will be peaceful for me to be able to not be on the lookout for an angry housemate.  I think I will be able to feel better about myself.

I have NO idea how I am going to afford to be on my own.  I never planned for this and everything is in his name because of the medical divorce we did.  So I guess once again I am at his mercy.

He says he will help me monthly.  We'll see.  I told him I wish him happiness with someone he can do all the things he wants to with.  And, I really mean it.  I think it has been over with me for so many years that I am O.K. with him moving on.

As for me.  I am not sure if I trust love anymore.  I am not sure I can actually love someone, or if anyone would even want to be with me and my disease.  I have felt damaged for so long, how could I expect anyone else to see me any other way?

There are so many uncertainties right now.  I am throwing my arms up and hoping I make the proper decisions and not hurt anyone.

I just want to be at peace for a while and be loved.  And, I am not sure that will ever happen again for me.