Transplant and depression

The other day I was ready to give up and ask Bill to leave.  It had come to that.  I still am not ready to take all the blame for our troubled times, but I know a good portion of it is my depression.

I look back on my life and wish so badly I could make the right decisions.  To live healthy, to raise Brittney in a non-smoking house.  She has moments that she says she is ready to quit, but she isn't there yet, and she is turning 30 this year.  She has a daughter who watches her smoke.... I am so afraid that the pattern of disease will just continue and continue.  I am ashamed of myself for exposing them.

I did get some good news, or at least news that eased my mind a little.  Every since the day years ago when my Pulmonologist mentioned Transplant to me and had me pick a hospital.  Then the University of Washington told me that I would need to re-locate to within 2 hours of the hospital, I was freaked.  I did not want to give up my home and my life here.  After all I am supposed to recover and be able to come back to my previous life right?  I didn't want to move to Seattle.

Well, I was picking up a new fancy regulator for my O2 tanks and the woman there (who treats me very well) said that one of her clients just was transplanted at Stanford Medical Center (my 2nd choice) and is doing well.  They (the oxygen company) is supplying her with all her O2 needs, a hospital bed, a I.V. pole on wheels, pretty much any needs that the hospital doesn't supply they pick up.  She said that her husband travels back and forth monthly, usually spending a week at a time there.  The best part is that she (the woman at the O2 company) said that her insurance and mine are the same and that they have a contract with this medical center and not the University of Washington.  I am kind of put as ease by that because Stanford was my first choice, I just didn't think we could afford to live there.  The cost of living in the Bay area is outrageous.
I would need to go there for about a week and they have hotels that give rates to their transplant families, for testing and getting everything gone over.  Then I would have an interview with the transplant team.  They make the ultimate decision if I am a good candidate and if I am they will list me.  I can COME HOME and wait!!!  Yes, my insurance company will allow me to come home and Stanford is O.K. with that because once my name comes up, I will be Life Flighted directly to the hospital and prepped and into surgery with time to spare.

This had been like a burden sitting on me for a long time.  I talked to Bill and he said that sounds good that once I am stable and doing well he can come home and then just visit once a month.  Maybe even (depending on the time of year) Brittney could come for a visit, and maybe even my brothers.  And, the best part is we don't have to re-locate.

I got a call yesterday from my Gynecologist, they have finally gotten a referral for some more testing in Medford (which is about an hour or so away, but over a mountain pass).  They are supposed to call me to set up an appointment.

I am still doing alright on my weight loss.  I am finding that if I weigh every day my weight will fluctuate, but if I just do it once a week I can see my progress.  Besides that I can feel a difference in my stomach and legs.

I'll blog again soon, and hopefully I will find something wonderful to blog about.  :)