No change

I spent the day on the couch.  I could not get enough energy or breath to do anything.  Well, I take that back.... I got dressed.  I tried to call the nurse.  Left a message with no answer.  I should have kept calling.  I'll try again tomorrow to get ahold of someone.

Until then... I am calling it a night. 

Times, they are a changin

Yesterday was another one of those really difficult breathing days. I just have had too many and with my Primary Care Doctor out until February I had little choice but to call my Pulmomologist.

I spoke with his nurse (whom is SO good to me) and explained that I had been on a week of antibiotics and prednisone.  Usually at least 2 weeks of both so I thought that was noteworthy.  I mentioned that the clinic had taken Ex-Rays and my left lung looked spotted or shadowed or whatever???

I talked to her about a nebulizer.  I had tried one before after a Spirometry test and it didn't seem to do much.  I asked her if I could try one now that I am having big painful breathing issues.

She told me to come on up and she would give me a machine and a breathing treatment there.  So far I have done 3 treatments yesterday and 3 today and I can tell no difference.
She also made an appointment for me Monday to see the Doctor, but told me if this isn't working to call her.  I will do that tomorrow.  I just wanted to give the machine a chance to work.

I tried today to take Layla and Priscilla walking.  I honestly don't know what I was thinking???  I got about 50 steps from the car with Priscilla and stopped, rested and turned around and got back in the car and came home.

Today also I jumped on the trampoline for 10 minutes and used our "shaker" thingy for 10 minutes.

Tonight my chest hurts, my lungs are tight, and I cannot get air in or out.  My medications aren't working and I don't know what to do other than medicate and try and fall asleep.  That is what happens when things get painful.  I medicate and sleep.  Some life huh?!  Sorry, it's just getting very frustrating to try so hard to get into some kind of rhythm only to be knocked down and the only way out is to drug myself.

Yesterday I talked to Bill and told him I didn't want him to judge me..... but..... there are some times when my chest hurts so bad and my breathing is just terrible that instead of taking my anxiety medication, I would just like to go to the hospital.  Even if it means spending 5 or 6 hours in the emergency room.  At least there I am on strong enough I.V. drugs that I have a pain # of about 4 instead of 9 or 10.  Just to have relief for a period of time is such a nice change.
He said he understood.  I try and be tough.  I pride myself in not whining, or complaining about how uncomfortable I am or how much pain I am in.  I always have been like that.  It comes from having two older brothers that used to call me a baby or a girl when I would get hurt and cry... so now I can take a hit like a man.  LOL  So... when I tell Bill I sometimes just want to be hooked up to an I.V. he understands.

I am hoping that there is a reason for this.... the inversion layer, the wood smoke from fireplaces, maybe a virus or infection?  I hope this isn't my new normal... because it really will limit me.

Even walking through the stores (which I never had a problem doing because I was hanging onto a cart) now is work.  Hell, even vacuuming leaves me gasping for air.

It's times like this that I am so pissed at myself for letting my smoking get so out of hand that it left me in this condition.

So... I will hopefully be on tomorrow and let you know what the nurse has to say when I call to tell her the nebulizer is not working and what she has planned next.
Until then.........................

Shopping, Constipation and self pity

I did some Christmas shopping today with Layla.  I just bought a few Wii games for Brittney and Fernando and a couple things for Bill.  Just being out at 2 stores and I am wiped out.

A funny story.  Evidently, Bill told Layla that for every dollar she saves he will match it and then take her shopping for her mom and Fernando and her grandma.  So... (remember I took Layla with me today to buy gifts).... Tonight Britt calls me and says... um mom... "did you get me a Zumba for Christmas?"  I didn't say anything... she says.... "Layla came to me and said... do you like Zumba?  I'll bet you $5.00 that you'll get one for Christmas!"  LoL!!

Britt said it was the funniest thing ever... she said Layla was asking to pick up dog poo for $$, to mop the floors for $$, to rake up pine needles for $$.  She told her mom that whatever she makes her Papa will double it.  So she said... "Mom if you give me $300.00 then Papa will give me $600.00."
I think we have a new C.E.O. for Fannie Mae or Freddy Mac!  lol  The child is 6!  lol  Any way, Britt and I got quite a laugh out of it, and Britt asked if she could use her Zumba.  Ugh... NO, not till Santa brings it to her.

I have blown my diet/healthy eating/weight loss progress.  I need to re-do my entire program.  I won't even write down any excuses, because with each wrong choice I made I knew it.  I could have just as easily eaten something else.

My only defense is... not feeling well, not having enough energy to cook my own meals and make sure they are lean proteins and lots of colorful veggies.
The only good thing I can say is that I have been eating so many fruits that I should be changing colors to pink or purple.  I am having such a difficult time with constipation.  I am now eating about 3 ounces of berries (either blackberries or raspberries) a night, and 2-2.5 ounces of raisins a day.  Just that you would think would work.  Plus taking 4 Dulcolax a day... 2 in the morning and 2 at night.

I have had some bowel movements, but I am just bloated beyond belief.
I feel like everything is so out of control.  My body is just turning against me.  I remember this spring I felt so good.  I was losing weight.  I was exercising regularly.  I was feeling better.

Then I began to have chest pain, quit exercising, my body began to rebel against digestion and my weight loss halted.

Right there tells me my answer.  I know what it is.  I don't want to utter these words......
I just have lost faith that I can do this.  I am afraid to push my body because the fall out pain is getting worse.  
I am comforting myself with food, which I know is a No No!  It just makes all things worse.  It makes my breathing more labored, it makes my self esteem low, it makes my determination go away and my goal of surgery or transplant out of reach.

I feel like I did when I was a smoker.  I know all the right things to do to get to my goal... I am just failing at doing what's right.

It's easy to say.... "I am sick therefore I can't exercise"  It's easy to make valid excuses why I can't do these things, or why they are so hard.

I understand that for me those excuses are crap... I am stronger than that and I CAN do it.  I can reach my goal.  I just have to dig deep and understand that even if I can't exercise then I need to cut my food intake way down.  I will not lay down and die.  And actually by not continuing with my weight loss, that is what I am doing.  I am still at 196.  I am 5'4".  They want my BMI to be at 30%.  I will buy a scale that shows my BMI and work toward that mark.

The thing is... (which may explain why I keep sabotaging myself) I am afraid of surgery.  Yes, my breathing is bad and getting worse.  But I am still alive.  I can still shop, play cards, hug my daughter and granddaughter.  I am afraid of them doing surgery.  This isn't some little procedure they do.  LVRS... the chance of leakage is great.... the chance of infection is high.  Transplant... well, I will save that for the day that I am laying in bed unable to do anything.

I am so frightened of lung surgeries.  So... even if I get thinner and meet their criteria I still don't want to rush to surgery.  I just want to be ready when MY time comes at MY own pace.  Therefore I have to trudge along and keep losing weight.  I just have to... no argument.

P.S.  This may be the wrong thing to do... but December's Weight Watchers is out for now.  I need to talk to myself.... get my self esteem going in the right direction, and decide to be healthy or lay down and give up.

Be careful about statements... they only get worse.

Well, my last blog was on the 19th.  In that blog I mentioned I was about as winded as I had ever been.

I am going to have to be careful about those kind of comments.  It can only get worse from here on out.  Today is 6 days later and I have been in bed since about 2:00 this afternoon.  Terrible pain was crushing my chest, mostly on the right side and my back, neck and arms hurt... ached.  To this point in my life today was the hardest it has been to get breath.  The thing it is... or it seems, is... I can take a breath, but it doesn't seem to make it where it needs to go.  I feel starved of air, actually like I am drowning and can't get back to the surface to draw in a good breath.  Today however even drawing in air was difficult.  Bill mentioned that two of our neighbors are burning and that probably it was the smoke and the inversion layer that got me.

I just took my anxiety medication and a couple pain pills and hoped and prayed things would get better.  It is not hours since then and my chest is still tight and breathing is not easy.  However, laying down sometimes is very difficult.  So, even if I am tired laying down is not an option.  Many nights have been spent in my recliner chair.  Doesn't that sound like a terribly old person?!  Jeeze!  I am not 50 yet (still a few months) and I am talking like my grandmother used to.

I have been telling Bill for a week now that it is seeming like I can't get a good breath in.

I am off the antibiotics and steroids and back on my normal medication.  I have been suffering terribly with constipation.  It seems every one of my medications list that as a side effect.  I have been eating raisins, berries, melon, salads and veggies and nothing is moving.  I will wait a few days then start looking for a enema.  Nice subject matter huh?  Sorry, it's just a reality with this illness.

Thanksgiving was lovely.  Brittney and Fernando had it at their house.  Everything was decorated so pretty, and dinner and the company was excellent.
Layla spent the night with Fernando's mom and the kids went Black Friday midnight shopping.

Layla called me this afternoon wanting to spend the night and I had to tell her no.  I hate that.  I hate my breathing issues coming between me and my grandchild.  I told her Saturday she can come spend the day with me and we will do something special.

And since my last blog... an anniversary has past of my mom's death.  I wish I could forget these types of anniversaries and just remember all good things.  The 21st was 4 years.  Right before Thanksgiving.  I remember like it was yesterday.  We spent Thanksgiving day packing her things to ship home and the neighbors brought all of us over Thanksgiving dinner.

She just loved this time of year.  I have all her decorations (or the ones that I could grab and ship) up.  I finally finished my Christmas tree.  Bill put it up one day.  One day I "fluffed" it, the next day I put ribbons on it and the 3rd day I finally got it decorated.  I had asked Britt for help... just unwrapping the ornaments and handing them to me.  But, I don't think she realized I REALLY needed help.

I won't go in to the "I used to" stories.  It just takes so much time for me to do things anymore.  I am still doing them, so I won't complain too much.  It just is frustrating.  Soon it will be time to make cookies and candies and fudge and sweat breads and it will take me many days or a week to do it, instead of a few days.

It's not just that.  It's my memory issues, it's my eyesight failing me quickly, it's my bowels not working, it's my self esteem dipping because I gave away all my fat clothes and now I left with a very small wardrobe, of which I will not buy anything else because I don't want to be like this.

I am not exercising, I am not bouncing or walking.  I just feel like at every turn I am failing.

Note to self.... Make a New Years Resolution list and FOLLOW IT.

Day 2 on Prednisone

I got up this morning and washed my face, took my morning meds, got into clean pajama's, got my coffee and have been either in my chair or on the computer all day.  I napped for maybe 20 minutes.
I feel wiped out.  My breathing is terrible!  I am the most winded I think I have ever been for extended periods of time.  Not like when I am walking or exercising... but this isn't going away.  I just feel like I am trying to race to catch up to a good deep breath if that makes any sense?

Layla spent the night tonight.  She was the best girl.  Very helpful and caring to me.  I threatened her though maybe that's why!  LOL I explained that I really didn't feel good and she could spend the night, but if she started not minding or getting sassy with me then I was going to call her mom and send her home.
I love her and she really is a good girl, she just has a mouth on her and doesn't mind being punished.  I don't envy Brittney, I never had that experience with little kids.

I have kept my appetite in check today.  Last night I lost it and shared 2 cheese sandwiches with Priscilla.  Yes 2!!!  Isn't that ridiculous.  Today I have eaten mostly fruit, and Bill made me a omelet with turkey sausage crumbles in it, and toast.

I put Priscilla into a photo calender contest in our local newspaper.  I will post a link here and if anyone wouldn't mind helping her get votes.  Evidently the other entrants have extended families who are voting, or many email address's.  LoL  As soon as the voting opened up they already had double digit #'s.

Yes,... I am shamelessly begging for votes for my dog on my blog!!!
You have to register to vote, but the registration process is very easy.  Priscilla's photo is the one in her pink polka dot dress and it's on page 16.
Here is the link.........
http://heraldandnews.upickem.net/

I told Bill if she doesn't make it in... I might just take some photos of her and make calenders for all of our family.  LOL  Layla said... "what about me"  I said she gets to be posted all over my house in frames, Priscilla gets her calender... and maybe we can do a family picture for Christmas so she can wear her pretty Christmas dress.

O.K.  Time to go take my bedtime meds and get ready to try and sleep.  Last night was hit and miss, I am hoping tonight is better.

Geese, Bulldogs and Steroids

Wednesday afternoon Bill and I took Priscilla down to feed the geese and ducks.  I was worried that Priscilla would just run at them and scare them off.... or, they would be too afraid because she was there and not want us to feed them.

Well, they came running at us... dog or not.  At first Priscilla was scared then she just stuck her pug nose up in the air and tried to get some kind of scent.  Evidentally she wasn't worried about them and they her.... however... birds and dog got a little pushy about the bread.  Priscilla wanted to eat it as much as they did, so she kind of pushed the bird/dog boundaries.

She started "talking" to Bill when she saw him throw the bread to the ducks.  lol  The "blue panties" is a diaper because she is in heat.  It has liners and can be washed and dried.  She just walks around like a little kid with a full diaper.  LOL

My girl has quite the pose!

I just love that squishy face and body!!

She was shaking her head.  This is best done outside anyway.  If anyone ever saw that movie Turner and Hooch... she gets those "shoe string" drools sometimes.  

A friend of mine after I posted these on my face book page said about this picture... Nice cleavage!  lol  

She is staring down the Geese.  I am surprised they were all so at ease with each other.

For the last 3 or 4 days I have been telling Bill that I just don't feel very good.  Less good than normal shall I say.  My chest has hurt more than usual, my breathing more labored, and when I do cough (which is not very often since I quit smoking) I have green sputum.  So I called my Pulmonologist's nurse who usually goes to the doctor and he calls in a prescription for steroids and antibiotics without me even coming in.... Unless I ask to see him.  Today I called and the nurse tells me he won't be in today.  My primary care doctor who I adore was leaving this afternoon to begin her maternity leave... so I went to the walk in clinic in the same medical center.  They just rotate doctors so all the patient charts are still there... very convenient and smart if your reg doctor is not available.

So... after ex-rays and an exam she tells me that it seems there is fluid in both lungs, more in the left.  Yep... Prednisone and Zpack antibiotics.  This time only for a week, which I found odd.  Maybe she just wanted to get me through the week and let me call my pulmonologist.  Which... I probably will.

I started the new meds today.  Of course a loading dose of steroids... 3 this afternoon, 1 with dinner, then 2 more tonight... and then 5 tomorrow and one less each day after.
I just never have only been on one week before.  Cross your fingers for me that this will work and I won't need more.  Maybe she is onto something here.

I tried today to just come home and lay around, but I can't.  I played online, took a nap, played online, did dishes, played online, at left overs for dinner.  Now I am blogging and thinking of bed.  I just feel spent.
Of course I doubt with the steroids I will sleep much.  Which means the rest of the week will call for naps.  Some people can take this and not experience too many bad side effects.  I find along with the lack of sleep, this makes dieting really hard.  I have no "full" meter when I am on these.  A few times, but rarely do I have swelling... other than my legs.  I get headaches and my anxiety levels are heightened.  A fun week.  Hopefully I will be feeling better and off of the drugs and effects by Thanksgiving and black Friday.

Here is what google says about Prednisone's side effects......

Trade Names: 

Although available in several branded formulations, prednisone is almost universally referred to by its generic name.  Prednisone is available in numerous orally doses. 

  Prednisone is a commonly used corticosteroid medication that is used primarily because of its potent anti-inflammatory effect by suppression of the immune system.  Corticosteroids get their name because the naturally produced steroid structured hormone in this class c called cortisol is produced in the adrenal cortex.  Another name for this class of medications is glucocorticoids.  

One of the major prednisone side effects, elevation of blood glucose levels, is common to this class of medications.  Typical medical problems treated with prednisone include asthma, severe allergic reactions, and autoimmune disorders like rheumatoid arthritis, systemic lupus erythematosis, and polymyalgia rheumatica.

Common Prednisone Side Effects with short term use:

Prednisone causes at least some side effects in a many patients.  

Many patients notice fluid retention often in the ankles, but sometimes all over.  Appetite tends to be increased, and weight gain is common even with short term use.  Anxiety, agitation and nervousness are also common prednisone side effects.  Insomnia can be a common result of these psychological prednisone side effects. 

Elevation of blood sugar is common, often leading to a diagnosis of diabetes in patients not previously known to have diabetes.   Suppression of the immune system is a nearly universal prednisone side effect, and is related directly to its mechanism of use.  This is usually not of clinical significance, but it can lead to delayed wound healing in postoperative patients.  Acid dyspepsis, gastritis and peptic ulcers are occasionally seen as prednisone side effects.

Here is what google says about Prednisone'sLoL  She kind of demands her time.  At least with me.  So... I am really looking forward to spending some time with her.  I asked the doctor if I was contagious and she said no.  So... I can breath on whom ever I want. 

I am going to do my best and be tough and drink lots of fluids, eat lots of soup and veggies and try to have a good weigh in this coming week.  I need a good weigh in, and these steroids could not have come at a worse time.  

I had a good friend tell me her messages are not showing up.  I hope this is a Google issue (I will look into once I feel better), please... trust me... I cherish every message I get... good, bad or otherwise.... so I would never delete any of you... except for rude or cruel messages.  So... Savannah Hun... hang in there with me and I will find out why your messages are not showing up for you.  I checked a couple blogs and your messages are showing up for me.  I will still look into it.  If anyone else seems to have comments disappear, please let me know.

I lean on my friends here as much as I do anywhere else, probably more because here I pour my heart and soul out.  I appreciate each one of the "looks" or "hits" I get, and always hope that someone took something away from my blog that might have helped them, or that they could relate too.

Have a good weekend.

Weigh in

I have been neglecting this blog lately.  I need to get better.  I need to quit repeating myself over and over again in my blogs.  I am getting sick of myself.

My weigh in today was .2 pounds I gained.  Remember, I did not go last week so considering my total lack of trying that is not bad.

It is by no means acceptable though and I will do better.  I have had enough of my depression and dark moods.  I will pull myself up by my boot straps or bra straps or whatever it takes.

In the mail today came a request for medical information from a doctor whom I had no idea who he was????  So, I called my insurance company wondering if they had put through a referral and as it turned out.. yes.

My appointment is for December 13th and it is to discuss removing my uterus, or putting netting in to hold up my bladder, or just removing the cyst that continues to grow.  I was so busy concentrating on my weight gain and depression that I forgot to mention that.  That and they found a spot on my breast (same one that was biopsied before) that they will watch and see if a chunk needs to be taken off of it, or just removed.

We'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

I am tired again tonight.  Brittney has 2 tests tomorrow and she needed to study, so I picked up Layla after school and fed her and helped her with her homework.  Britt just left with her about a half hour ago.  I have taken medication early tonight.
Priscilla is already sleeping in the doorway to my bedroom just in case I forget to get her.

Bear Claws and Tears

I have been doing better this week (it's only Wednesday!  lol) with my healthy eating.

Well, let me take that back (already) Bill brought home a package of bear claws.  There were 8 in the package, I think I ate 5, maybe 6.  So much for healthy eating.  I am trying to remind him that losing weight for me is not a vanity thing.  It is a have to thing.  In order to have LVRS or transplant I need to be at a healthy weight.  Right now I am not.  So, I asked him nicely if he wants things like that to please feel free... just keep them in his room, or hide them in the back of the frig, at least not right in front for me to see.  I have NO control over things like that.

 I have one day on the trampoline and the other days actively shampooing carpets and unloading boxes of Christmas.

The tree is a goner.  I took my rotating one to Brittney and she has it beautifully decorated in her house.  So, I will be buying a new tree this year.

Layla spent the night last night.  She was such a good girl but it seems she woke up at 4:00 and went and crawled in bed with Papa, so Bill has been up since about 4:30.

Britt called me tonight and told me she got sick this afternoon.  Stomach flu and fever and sore throat.  She was just warning me so I could watch for symptoms and get to the doctor.  Poor thing, I just hate it when she is sick.

Britt told me she is impressed with my immune system.  I really haven't gotten sick often since I was diagnosed.  A few times, but really the doctors are right on top of it.  As soon as I get a sniffle or fever in the blink of an eye I am on anti-biotics and steroids.  Of course I use disinfectant wipes and bleach everywhere.  I am always washing my hands and use a ton of lotion.

I am still struggling to get out of this mood.  I have been spending my nights just heart broken.  I am thinking a lot about mom, anniversaries of death are just terrible.  I always try so hard to forget this, but I can't.  I wonder if it would have be easier if I had gotten to say goodbye?  I just miss her so much.  It took me years to get over the death of my dad.  It was life changing for me.  I got lost for about 3 years.  I didn't know who I was if I wasn't daddy's little "sugar pot".  He always made me feel so special.  It's different with mom.  Maybe because I got sick so soon after her death, that I am dealing with my own mortality too.
It's almost like I am mourning for myself.  I need to snap out of it.  I still am a viable person.  I can do so much.  Sure there are those things that I can't do anymore, but I still have a full life.

I'll work it out.  I think I need to give myself a break, cut Bill some slack and start enjoying Layla more.  That would be an excellent start.

Smiles through tears

The fireplace and mantle in the living room

Boxes still to unpack and the Christmas Tree in the dining room

Even the hallway gets a touch with a couple Santa's and Champagne for Christmas morning's mimosas

Yep, even the bathroom has a touch of Christmas

Priscilla in her polar bear / white hippo sweater 

Yesterday Bill brought up all the tubs and boxes of Christmas.  He brought the tree up and got it put together.  Everything was filling the dining room.   Yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to decorate.  I couldn't get in the mood.  I told myself that today I would shampoo carpets then begin getting things out and sometime later this week I would tackle the tree.

So, I began.  When I got to Santa and Mrs. Clause that are animated and an angel I bought for mom that is also animated.... Priscilla put her face on the floor, her butt up in the air and began to bark... then she charged each one, stopping just before impact and growling then backing away and barking and grumbling some more.  It's not only the animation, but she is confused or intrigued or scared of shadows.  Just doing "hand shadows" on the floor or wall will cause her to charge and smash her face into the floor or wall to try and smell whatever it is.  She also chases the beam coming from the flashlight, but that's another story.
So... between the movement of the 3 animated which each has a "candle" (light bulb) in their hand... which causes shadows constantly moving about... she isn't too impressed with Christmas.

She just today figured out she can eat the snow.  Bill bought her a sweater that he says has a polar bear on it.  I say it has a white hippo on it.  Either way, it's pretty cute on her.
She really doesn't mind clothes.  I think she likes them.  The one things I can't seem to convince her to put up with are hats.  She isn't having it.

So............ today was going to be such a good day.  A little decorating, some cleaning.  Giving me a chance to shake this depression thing I have going on.

Britt came over after school just sobbing.  I won't go into details but she started smoking again today.  Went and bought herself a pack and began smoking.  She had nearly 24 hours of non smoking going on.  I was so sure she had it this time.  My heart just shattered into a gazillion pieces.
First I lectured her on how stress is a poor excuse to smoke.  I asked her if it made things better?  Of course it didn't, it just made her feel worse.  Then I told her she can't give in when things get hard.
That people will die, kids will throw fits, she will fight with Fernando, school will seem impossible.  All these things will not be better as a smoker.

Then I shut up.  I told her gently that I love her, and that I will be here for her in anyway she needs.  If it is just someone to listen to or to babysit... whatever it will take to ease her stress for a while.  I want her to get on her feet, get stable and throw those things away.
So.. she set her new quit date for Wednesday, she is bringing her "sister-in-law" with her.  Maybe it will help to have someone do  this with her?

I just ache for her when she is in pain.  This of course made my day tank.  I would never blame Britt for my depression.  That isn't what I meant.  It's just lately it doesn't take much, and her happiness means the world to me.  I hate a world where she feels like a loser in.  She is my strength, she is anything but weak, so this bothered me as much as her.  Of course, I couldn't show it.  I was strong for her.  I tried with everything in me not to preach, or continue to harp.  I just told her my feelings, warned her about excuses and let it go at that.

So, I spent tonight like a little kid having a fit and ate everything wrong.  Bill even went and got milkshakes tonight.  I don't even like ice cream very much and I ate it!
So.... I will not be attending Weight Watchers tomorrow.  I am hoping to spend the week doing a little preaching to myself.  Reminding myself to exercise, to eat the right foods, to take Priscilla for walks even if it's just 20 minutes.  I HAVE to get back on track.  I just feel like I am failing in every area of my life, and the chances of success is getting farther and farther away.

November is always a little difficult anyway.  It will be 3 years that mom will be gone this month.  She passed away a few days before Thanksgiving.  Not only that but going through Christmas boxes and bringing out her things is always melancholy.  Some smiles through tears.

It just is that kind of time for me now I guess.  And, the ridiculous part about it is if someone says.... "How are you doing?"  I respond with the same... "Great, thank you".  I have become an expert at acting.

Depression and losing weight

So, I had my doctors appointment.  Nothing major to report, except my pain meds were increased.  This pain in my chest is just not leaving. I wish I knew why.  It is not there always, but often enough to say continually.  Does that make sense?

My weight loss this week has gone down the tubes.  When I don't feel good Bill cooks and no matter how many times I tell him I am fine with a chicken breast and a bunch of broccoli he cooks sauces and gravies and bacon and butter.  Of course I am eating it though.

I have not jumped on my trampoline for quite a while, and I have not walked Priscilla in over a week.  If I were a smart woman I would say the lack of exercise is wreaking havoc on my self esteem. I look at myself in the mirror and the person looking back disgusts me.  Last winter I gave away most of my "big" clothes, now I am outgrowing my thinning ones.  That also sets the low self esteem in and feeds my depression.
I need to snap out of this.  I just feel so unfulfilled in every part of my life.  Like I am not giving 100% in any of it.  I am pissy with Bill, Britt and Layla for no reason.  I am not following my weight loss program.

Here is a confession.  I look at those on face book who leave these wonderfully alive and exciting status messages and feel like life is passing me by.  I am jealous of those people.  I want to matter.  I am tired of being damaged.  I am tired of being exhausted, I am just tired.

We had Layla this weekend and I am SO tired.  Britt came and got her this afternoon for a birthday party and while they were gone, I slept.  It is getting so difficult to drag myself from bed in the morning, and when I do get up it takes me hours to get moving.

Wednesday I got up in the morning and colored my hair back to brown.  It had so many different highlights in it that it was turning a washed out blonde with black and gray showing through, not a good look.  This suits me and makes me feel more wintery.  lol
We have had snow the last couple days.  Nothing to measure, it just turned the ground white.  I am hoping that next week I can get some Christmas stuff up.  That always cheers me up.

I am going to give myself a few weeks to get my act together and if I don't see changes in my attitude I am going to talk to whatever doctor is on call (my awesome primary care doctor is out now on maternity leave until Feb) about getting an anti-depressant.  I am not sure how that works since I am already on an anti-anxiety drug?

O.K. enough for tonight.  I am going to play around on face book a while and go to bed.

Dog bites and the stomach flu

The last two days Bill has been showing the symptoms of a cold.  Why is it men can't handle the common cold?  I don't bitch that much when I have surgery!

I am trying to walk around after him and bleach wipe everything.  I the last couple days have had the stomach flu.  Which is really odd for me because usually it is the opposite and my medication leaves me constipated.  This sounds ridiculous to those who aren't on lifetime medications... but even though I have diarrhea I am still taking my doses of laxatives twice a day.  The last time I had the stomach flu I quit taking the laxatives and within 3 days I was suffering from constipation.  So...

I went to Walmart today.  I got my nails done and it's the only store that sells our vacuum bags with Fabreeze in them and the hepa thing.  Now that I have Copd and my breathing is worsening each time I use the vacuum I change the bag.  It lessons the dog hair and dander.  I vacuum about every other day... so you can imagine that I keep the vacuum bag people in business.  Any way... (boy did I get side tracked), I was walking through looking around and my stomach flu "hit" me.  I had about 4 things left on my list, but it was CLEAR across the store.  I began walking as fast as I could and got those 4 items.  Got into the shortest line I could find and prayed!
I made it home and suddenly didn't have to go anymore???!!!!  How does that happen?  Sooner or later it caught up with me though.

We took Priscilla to the Vet this morning and I made the appointment for her to be spayed December 2nd.  I really gave it some thought about letting her have a litter of puppies.  And, I had good homes for them.  But, there was a risk to her and I just felt it wasn't worth it to risk losing her for puppies.

While at the Vet she found a hole in her "haunch" just above her thigh, but not exactly on her side or back.  Seems as though one of our dogs got pissy with her and bit her, which is NOT O.K. with me.
I know having 3 females in the house there has to be a pecking order, and I know the dogs will work out a higher Archy.  I just don't want them fighting.  Neither Bill nor I saw them fight so it had to be quick and no hard feelings, because we saw no difference in the way they react to each other.  We'll just have to keep a close eye.
It wasn't bad enough for stitches.  I am just taking a wash cloth soaked with Epsom's salts water on it and clean it to make sure it won't get infected.

It is almost 10:00 and that is about my bedtime.  By the time I take all my meds and get Priscilla in bed it takes about a half hour.  I have a feeling it won't take me long to drift off tonight.

Weight Gain, and Memory issues

Let me start by explaining my weight loss ticker up there......
I wanted this to be an accurate account of my total weight loss.  I had joined Weight Watchers and then quit for a while, so the weight loss that shows above is my entire weight loss journey from April of 2010.  I actually lost some before that maybe 5 or 10 pounds... but this is just my Weight Watchers and Bodybugg progress.

Today was weigh in and I gained 1.4 pounds.  I know every bite that was wrong.  Too many biscones, I had a fattening blended coffee and then...... Well.... Then I found the Halloween candy.  It was touch and go for a while if those poor little trick-or-treaters would have any for them!  lol

The cold air is definitely here to stay so my walking outside will now be challenging.  I will go to the Steens Park building and walk inside.  I may try walking downtown, even in the snow most sidewalks are cleared and the buildings may block some of the wind.  That is what takes my breath away.. that ice cold wind hitting my face.  With the cannula on when I am exerting any energy I breathe through my mouth... so when it's ice cold that air goes straight to my lungs.

I have a few doctors appointments this month that will hopefully give me some news about new medications, new procedures and new testing they want to do to me.  I'll let you know as I find out.

I am sorry about the lack of blogging... As those of you with a chronic disease knows depression is a huge part of daily life.  I most days/weeks/months have it in check.  Lately I have really struggled with it.  I am having a bigger memory problem, which now is causing issues with Bill.  I get so frustrated and scared that I lash out at him and I am sorry about it.  It just is frightening when you know you are losing ground.  This is something that must be addressed with the doctors.  I am not sure if it is lack of O2? Or, perhaps a side effect of medication... or both?  It would be comforting to know it is temporary.  Heck... it would even be comforting to know if it will continue to get worse... at least I know it's coming and can prepare Bill and Brittney (if that is possible).

So... I have to get back on the weight track.  No more gains!!!